I've been struggling with this for a year and some change now and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. I can't get a completely objective opinion from my friends and family because they are just looking out for me, which is great but, it doesn't really help my situation. But, anyway - I'll get to it.
About a year ago, I had a friend. We will call him "Patrick". We met through a mutual friend (he dated her briefly) and for about three months, our friendship had been strictly over Facebook, blah blah blah. One day, he proposed we hang out in real life and I agreed. We started hanging out regularly and it was fun. He was a cool dude, we were like twins we had so much in common. But... during the summer, Patrick and I kind of realized that we had feelings for each other - feelings not necessarily platonic. One night, he kissed me and our friendship hadn't been the same. Speed up through the drama - our not-quite-friends/not-quite-GF|BF relationship - it ended up putting quite a strain on our friendships with said mutual friend and things were getting too complicated. Last November, I was going to tell him that I was falling for him and I thought he and I should really consider making it official but...he had other plans. Instead, he very vaguely told me he thought he and I should just stay friends. Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I couldn't handle being Patrick's friend because he was treating me like "one of the guys" and since Facebook is almost like a window into a person's life, I saw that he was already getting a head start on the moving on process. After weeks of tears and sadness, I made the decision to delete/block him off my friends list, delete him from my phone and tell him that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. He was pissed! We had a verbal UFC match over it and that was the last time I ever spoke to him. He went off into the Air Force, entered boot camp and met someone else. I, on the other hand, was the lucky one to battle a few months of very visible depression that almost cost me my job in customer service and seriously damaged my GPA at school. I never thought I was would be that girl, the girl that is crippled by heartache but, you never really know how you're going to react until it happens to you... Skip to 2010, he living it up in Texas while I was back in the dirty Jerz, attempting to reesmble my life, I just couldn't seem to get Patrick out of my head. He was on it, day and night - trying to understand what I had done wrong to have him want to cast me aside, if there was a possibility that I might ever see him again, yadda yadda. It was obvious that what I felt for him was no case of summer love, it was the real deal, and I wasn't handling it well. In August, he came home from Texas (I only know that because his best friend/my good friend told me about it. I'm fairly certain either Patrick didn't care enough to tell our friend about what happened with us or our friend knows and didn't care.) While he was gone, I've been trying to move on; meeting new people, going on dates and the like but, nothing has stuck yet. But, I can't seem to get him from the back of my mind and, though I hate that I'm saying this - I miss him very much. Before all the complications, Patrick had become my best friend. I had told him things that I have never told anyone because I felt that whatever I told him was safe with him. I never felt that before. It has been hard to just let that feeling go. And, despite everything; despite the fact that he's met someone else and is happy with her (again, I heard through the grapevine, nothing more), the fact that he hurt me deeply and I have yet to let it go 100% (I'm about 53% over it), I truly miss my best friend. But, the scorned side of me wants nothing to do with him.
From time to time, our words will cross paths on our friends' Facebook wall but, we don't talk to each other directly. I'm just not sure what I should do. I want to talk to him (especially now that it's Christmas and all, around the time our friendship ended last year), see how he's doing and get to know him again - as friends - but, on the same token, I know that there is a part of me that is still in love with him and hurt by what he did to me. I'm just not really sure what I should do...
Yeah, I know....
Posts: 14 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Dec 2010
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The thing is, more is going on than heartache. You are having a difficult time and are more affected by what happened than he is because you feel rejected and cast aside.
Break-ups tend to do this to people. One starts wondering why a person would end the relationship especially if it was going well or if the couple really seemed to click. Such thoughts are practically inevitable and tend to lead to low self-esteem, depression, and self-poisonous thoughts.
It's natural to wonder about exes and as the person broken up with, to want to either regain acceptance to deal with the rejection or to prove that one is really worth it.
So I'd suggest that in order to really move on with your life, you need to address those issues created by this relationship: you need to boost your self-esteem so you won't feel so worthless. The truth is that you are a valuable, wonderful person who is perfectly capable of healthy relationships (and you demonstrated this by caring about someone else and were also bold enough to express your feelings- kudos to you). Just because one guy did not want to pursue a romantic relationship with you does not make you any less of a worthwhile person. You don't need to pursue this relationship to prove anything.
Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010
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I know it's been some time since I wrote this but, first; I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and advice, Britster. =)
Secondly, I have been taking steps to get over the relationship (yes, I'm still battling the pain that I've been feeling from this, unfortunately.) I just started talking with a therapist about my depression but, it's definitely hard to talk about without feeling absolutely low at the end of the day. Everyday is a struggle. I never thought going through a break-up (or whatever you want to call it) would be easy but, I never thought it would be this hard. There are times when I just start crying and sometimes be unfortunate enough to have an emotional breakdown at school (in front of everyone.) It was then that I realized that it was more than just a broken heart so I sought out help.
Another issue of mine is that "Patrick" is slowly but steadily trying to creep back into my life (I think.) And I'm not sure whether or not its a good idea. This summer, there is a music festival that our mutual friend wants us both to attend and Patrick has been using our mutual friend to pass along messages to me (i.e.; how I can commute to the venue, when and where I can meet up with them, etc). I don't like that our mutual friend is being used as the messenger but what I don't like even more is Patrick trying to connect with me without connecting with me, you know what I mean? It will be 2 years since the falling out so, to some degree I think I'm over the initial pain. On the one hand, it would be okay with me to start anew (considering how good of a friend he was before all that happened) and I would like to see our mutual friend again, too - and you can't have one without the other when it comes to Patrick and his best friend. But, on the other hand, things between us were left unsaid, unaddressed and I don't want to go and have Patrick trying to pretend nothing happened (of which he has a tendency to do.) Hell, he broke it off with me over the phone! You can't help but still be sore about something like that. I've tried talking to the people around me about it but they don't seem to have an opinion. I haven't talked to my therapist about it yet so... I figured I would talk it out with people that might not know me but are genuinely concerned (like the nice people at Scarleteen.) Perhaps even assuming he's trying to reconnect is just masochistic wishful thinking or a semi-accurate reading of intention - but, I just want to have some peace of mind on the issue.
Posts: 14 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Dec 2010
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