Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Stuck.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Stuck.
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 5 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
My situation is screwed up, and I do not want to talk about it with anyone because..well, you'll see.

I went out with my boyfriend for 4 years, we broke up, and now I am dating a girl. We have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. My ex boyfriend does not know about it at all. We did not speak for a while, and we just started to communicate again. I love talking with him, but recently he brought up the topic of getting back together, and I can't help but go along with the discussion with him.

I want to be with him, but I want to be with my girlfriend too. Both of them have my heart, and it kills me to know that I am lying to both of them. I almost want to ditch them both, run away, and be alone for the rest of my life. That's how much it hurts me. I don't deserve either of them.

What do I do? Advice would be nice please.

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
ShortAndSweet: Can I ask why you feel you can't be open with them about who you did and are seeing now? Does your girlfriend know that you've been talking with him recently? Something I'm seeing here is that you seem to feel you can't be who you are around them. You want to be with your ex, but can't tell him you've been seeing your girlfriend - does he know that you have an interest in women as well as men? As well, you're saying that you also want to be with your girlfriend but can't tell her about your ex? Does your ex know that currently you are with someone else?

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
Only close friends know about my girlfriend and I. My family is very against it. My family knows my ex boyfriends' family, therefore if I told him he woudl tell him family and his family would tell mine. Gossip gets around easily.

My girlfriend does know I have been talking to him but not know about the getting back together thing at all.

He does not know I have an interest in women, adn he does not know I am wil anyone else at this time.

I feel like a terrible person, and I am either settling to make 1 party happy, hurting another, and not doing what I want. TOO HARD.

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Britster
Activist
Member # 48970

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Britster     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Don't blame yourself for this situation. You are definitely not a horrible person because two people want to be in a relationship with you. This decision is about your future happiness too, and you should not sacrifice that just to please someone else whom you have no obligation to.
It is fine to tell him that while you like talking to him, you do not want a relationship with him and that you like someone else (so it wouldn't matter if he told other people because your folks might wonder if they learned you are in a relationship they don't know about), and if he asks for details, you can tell him that it is none of his business.

You also could, with your girlfriend's blessing of course, pursue having a relationship with both of them, but I would advise against that because your ex would not be aware of the whole situation.

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
I have to pick one or none. I jsut feel like I don't deserve either one of them. By ex boyfreind is terrified of being hurt again (bc i broke up with him), and my girlfriend is very needy and she woudl fall apart if I broke it off.

I just dont know what to do.

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stephanie_1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, how a partner deals with a break-up differs person to person and experience to experience, but you should never stay with another person because of how they will react to it. You have to do what's best for you.

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
I know I shouldbe be with someone just becuase, but I cant help that. I am always one to help everyone else and do whats best for them...

plus my girlfriend's family would be pissed too...they expect a lot out of me.

Its easier said than done pretty much. I just wish it was easier or it was a dream an dI would wake up and my life woudl be set up already.

*sigh*

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Britster
Activist
Member # 48970

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Britster     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The thing is that while you may enjoy feeling that you are helping someone in a relationship with them, you could be empowering their dependency.
And really you aren't helping someone by being in a relationship that you aren't happy in because that relationship cannot be fulfilling or healthy.

The best things in life generally have to be struggled for. Your life will not be fulfilling to you if you just always went with the flow. Instead of bowing to pressure, why not think about what you want? What you want is relevant and you can't try to avoid making tough decisions because it could hurt someone. We can't make this decision for you. You have to face your desires in this situation to determine what to choose.

And finally, I'm getting the sense that you have some trouble with self-esteem. You feel like you don't deserve to be in a relationship with either person, and you want to be needed in a relationship, perhaps as self-validation? Also low self-esteem could be related to your reluctance to make decisions. Just something to think about.

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3