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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » What a Mess

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Author Topic: What a Mess
Banana Pancakes
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Hello, everyone. Well, I have been engaged since this time last year to a guy I am very much in love with. Here's the thing: my parents dislike him, and I don't know why.

I always suspected they disliked him. They always make rude and unnecessary comments, especially my dad, and they try to find ways to make him look bad. He is a great guy. They say he is a low life, but he is going to college. He is getting good grades. They complain that he doesn't have a job yet. Well, he's had many jobs in the past few years. He's never been fired or marked for doing something wrong. The last job he was at, especially, loved him. The only reason he left was because he had to go to school in another town. He is not a loser in the slightest, yet they view him as one. He is very smart. He did excellent on things like his SAT's. He is working on getting a job very hard, but in this economy (I know because I just recently got a job after trying for 2 years--I am also in college) it is hard. I cannot understand why. He is respectful to them and me.

Sometimes, but not all the time, we argue (like any other couple). During these arguments, I am the one who is usually very emotional. He never calls me names, physically abuses me, etc. I am not saying I do either, but I just wanted to point that out. Yet, they dwell on the occasional arguments we have and try to emphasize the fact that we argue sometimes. He and I both love each other a lot. I can tell he loves me with all of his heart, and I definitely know I am in love with him. He was never disrespectful to them, as mentioned previously. So, why the drama with them?

Sometimes I think maybe they are jealous. I was always very close to my parents because I was an only child. We did everything together. After I started dating my boyfriend (who is now my fiance), they just seemed to start acting resentful. Maybe I am wrong/imagining this.

Well, here comes the even more complicated part of the story. I have a male friend who has been my very close friend for years (even before I was with my fiance). Our friendship is great. He used to like me when I first met him years ago, but he has since moved on. He has been in and out of relationships. He recently got involved in a relationship with a girl for about a week or so. He told me one day when I was upset over an argument my fiance and I had that he thinks he (my fiance) doesn't love me. He said other very crude things about him. My parents, for a long time now, have thought this friend likes me. I keep telling them no, especially because he has a girlfriend, and beside that fact, he has moved on. He is typically honest with me, and he told me he thinks of me as a friend. But the way he acts sometimes is confusing. I keep telling myself he is just genuinely caring for me as a friend. The other day, he told me that my father told him (he is a friend of the family, as well) that he dislikes my fiance. He also told me some other degrading things my father supposedly said about my fiance. While my father admitted he dislikes my fiance, he said the other stuff was made up. I don't know what to think about any of this because sometimes my father lies. Then again, this friend has been known to sometimes exaggerate as well.

I guess what I am asking is:

Why do my parents dislike my fiance? Based on the above information, can you deduce any reason? Because I honestly cannot. Like I said, he's a great guy. He never did anything wrong to me, outside of the occasional typical small arguments that couples have.

What should I do? I love my parents a lot, and I absolutely love and adore my fiance. I want to spend my life with him. How am I supposed to function with the people I love being torn like this?

Why is my friend getting involved and possibly making things up? I love my friend (as a friend), but I can honestly only see us as being firends. I am with the one I love and want to marry.

Thank you in advance.

P.S. I am sorry my post is so long! I just needed to get a lot of info. out there/vent. Thank you for taking time to read this.

[ 12-06-2010, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Banana Pancakes ]

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Britster
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In my experience, parents can dislike a guy for reasons that we might not think of. Usually we think of parents disliking someone as a partner to their daughter for mainly practical reasons to do with work or education or lifestyle. However, some of these reasons can be misapplied simply because parents don't like the person in question, and the reason for that could really boil down to personality clash or maybe they had a type of person in mind that this person just isn't. What parents look for in future spouses for their children is not necessarily what their children look for.

Maybe you should talk to your parents about this choice you have made, and make it clear that while you love them and value their opinions, you need them also to trust you and accept the choice you have made in a future spouse, because ultimately in this culture, you're the one who is going to live with him and potentially spend the rest of your life with him, not them. They just have to maybe put up with him on the holidays.

And as for your friend, he probably does not respect your relationship because he knows your parents' attitude to it. You probably need to talk to him as well about accepting and respecting your decision.

I'm in a similar situation myself, although my parents do like the guy in question, just apparently not for me. It's been about a year for us, and my parents still refer to him as my "friend." So I can really empathize.

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Banana Pancakes
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Thank you so much for the advice/feedback. I am sorry you are going through a similar situation, and I totally understand what you mean about the "friend" thing. My parents do the same. I find it to be very irritating and disrespectful to my relationship. Maybe we should both explain this to our parents? I never tried, mainly to avoid drama.

Also, I am not sure what is going on with my friend. To add on to my confusion here (without creating a new post), sometimes I get these weird "vibes" that seem to signal he likes me, but I cannot figure out why. In the past, when my parents insisted he liked me, I ignored them. Lately, however, I seem to be noticing something different about him. He's been much more touchy/finding excuses to have physical contact, often in a playful way. I cannot tell if he's just a touchy person, or if he's trying to drop hints. He always used to poke me and such, but it seems the touching has increased. He also looks at me very differently than he used to. There's almost a twinkle in his eyes I never saw before. He has this girlfriend, though, so I try to put it out of my mind that he has feelings for me and just play it off as he's just an affectionate friend. Not that I want him to have feelings for me. I am happy with my fiance. I just would very much like to know if he does have feelings for me so I know what's going on with him and his actions. That is why I am paying attention to his body language a lot lately. That and I can't help but notice the change.

Do these "vibes" mean anything? Could I just be imagining this? And if I should ever find out he does have feelings for me, how should I continue our friendship? I do not want to give off the wrong signals. He knows I am engaged, but I still do not want to accidentally give the wrong impression. I also do not want to lose him as a friend. Thanks.

By the way, I have decided to take your advice, so again, thank you very much.

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Britster
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It's very likely that if you are getting vibes about it and noticing certain behavior, that you are not just imagining things. It could be that you really noticed it before because you would not have considered that possibility unless your parents hadn't mentioned it or because you are paying closer attention than in the past.

Personally, I don't think you should put yourself through the awkwardness and stress of having to fend off all those cues and pretend everything is normal, waiting around for him to lose interest. If you feel that he is being too touchy, it's fine to tell him outright not to do that. If he does not respect that, it might be better to downgrade the relationship for a while (e.g. spend less time around him, hang out with him only while in a group, etc.) then to have it erupt in a huge drama. But honestly, I'm not sure if that is the best way to deal with it.

Anyways, I really hope that everything works out for you!

(And yeah, I've tried to talk to my mom about the "friend" issue, but all she said was that it was less complicated to explain. I think that was just a cop-out answer, but I didn't push it.)

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