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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I need advice.

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Author Topic: I need advice.
Member # 47402

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Over the summer, my ex boyfriend and I began seeing each other again. We weren't dating, we just sort of kept our 'rekindled' affection for each other a secret (not that it ever really burnt out to begin with). We are the couple that is continuously on and off. The couple that seemingly never really breaks up. And anybody that really steps onto our cloud gets bounced off :/

Before that, I had began 'talking' to my friend's neighbor. He and I have very much in common and he found that he was very attracted to me. I had always thought he was cute. So, since I wasn't dating my ex, I started getting closer to this new guy. One morning, I told my ex that I obviously couldn't see the both of them, so I chose the newer boy instead. He was upset but that was that.

Eventually, that guy and I began dating in September and he's great, but I find myself not particularly attracted to him as I am to my ex. Not just physically, my ex and I get along and I just feel very comfortable with him. As if I could just do whatever I want around him and not feel the slightest bit embarrassed.

Anywho, my ex and I were always texting here and there. Not really about anything, but we still spoke nonetheless.

This week, my ex was house sitting in the next town over and I decided to drive by and visit. We began sitting and talking and I had so much fun. It just felt comfortable. Next thing I know, we fall into a kiss and then we fall under the covers. Heh.

And at first, I didn't feel so guilty. But now, I do.
I also feel guilty that I love my current boyfriend in a very different way than he does me. At least, I think.

And anybody who knows me could tell you that I'm straight-laced and always a good girl. I've never done anything like this but my ex and I are still in love and it's very hard.

Now my ex is asking me to make my choice; him or my boyfriend. And it's hard. I just need some advice. I don't want to be looked upon as a horrible monster because I cheated. I just still love my ex boyfriend, no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I need to move on. I can't. And neither can my ex. We're always drawn back to each other. I don't know if it's fate or just...something else. Help ):

[ 12-03-2010, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: jbraid. ]

Posts: 25 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, so I just want to check in with something first I;m not clear on.

The person you have been dating: what agreements do you have about sexual exclusivity? Is it agreed to be a monogamous relationship or one which is open in some way?

If it is agreed to be monogamous, before we get to what your ex is asking, have you told your current partner you went outside your agreement?

This ex, this is the same person in the past who you have said is very emotionally stressful for you, and you put you through a lot of pain (I don't think you ever talked about what that involved, you just put it that way)?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 38162

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I would just say if you say you can't move on, you have something to take care of with this ex-boyfriend. You say you are attracted to him and feel very comfortable with him, but why did he become an ex-boyfriend in the first place?

And if you can't move on, I really don't think it is fair to the new boyfriend for you to be in a relationship with him, especially if it is having this kind of effect. This is of course under the assumption of a monogamous relationship

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

Posts: 18 | From: Atlanta, GA | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48970

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I think part of the problem is that you are used to being in a long-term relationship and knowing the person really well. In this newer relationship, you aren't at that point yet. It takes a while for people to become really comfortable around each other.

What you need to decide is whether you really like your ex or if you like being comfortable and having that long history with a person. Then you should really talk to your current boyfriend about what happened. A relationship is based on mutual trust, so either way, you need to tell him what happened.

And remember, this isn't an either-or decision because other people are involved and they have decisions to make as well, and also because you can choose neither option.

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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