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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » what is love?

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Author Topic: what is love?
violin09
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I have been going out with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We were separated for 3 months over summer break. Over the summer, I started wondering whether I was in love with him or not and questioning the relationship when I was so sure before we left. When we got back together everything was okay but that nagging feeling was in the back of my mind. But now all I do is wonder whether I love him, he is my first boyfriend so I don't have much to compare to. There are times where I am like yeah I do love him and then an hour later I will be analyzing my feelings and wondering. I wish there was a check list on how you know you are in love but I know there is no such thing. I am one of those people who will not let feelings go until they make me nuts. Could you give me advice on what I should do or why I feel like this?
Posts: 71 | From: United States | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Britster
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It may help to write down all the reasons supporting the idea of you being in love with him, and then in another column write all the reasons why you are doubting the relationship.

If you feel you need some quiz to draw out how you feel about this relationship- this website has some quizzes (just scroll down): http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/
But the thing about these is that there won't be any questions about particular behaviors or dynamics, but these quizzes are supposed to help people evaluate their feelings on their relationships.

And as someone who has been there, doubts that can't be settled may well be a warning sign. If you have to push down feelings in order to feel good about the relationship, there is probably something wrong.

Oh, and this website does have a bunch of good articles on the subject too:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/does_your_relationship_need_a_checkup

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/hello_sailor_how_to_build_board_and_navigate_a_healthy_relationship

I hope this helps.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, love and being in love aren't the same thing.

Being "in love" is a term usually used to express that someone has romantic feelings.

Love is something bigger, that can be part of all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

Have you seen this yet: Love Letter?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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violin09
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thank you both so much for your help! Reading the Love Letter made me feel a lot better and give me hope because I always thought love was always supposed to feel intense when it is natural for it to mellow out after a while, but that does not mean I don't love him. I never knew how much you have to work on relationships until now. Also the quizzes are nice also, I answered truthfully and the results came out well. I will still watch my feelings but I think I will be able to work this out, if not... I will wait until finals are done in college before doing anything big. Thanks again you guys! Thank you for all the advice you give to everyone.
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cyberbat
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I think that if you were truly in love with him you wouldn't question it.

1) do you think about him all the time/or at least every day.

2) do you bring up his name in conversation (even when you're not doing it deliberately)

3) does your heart feel 'tight' like its going to explode or overflow with intense emotional feelings for him. This doesn't have to happen all the time, just sometimes.

4) you want to spend lots of time with them

5) you can talk for hours about nothing/everything (this was one big one for me, my 1st boyfriend was unable to do this.

6) you both say 'I love you' with no hesitation or difficulty.

7) you love them because of their negative points not in spite of them. In other words it just adds to their personality.
These are some of the things that effect me. I hope they may be helpful to you in some way.

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Some things you see with your eyes, others you see with your heart. - Land Before Time

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Devanie
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Cyberbat, I hate to disagree with you and be the cynic, but I think that sometimes you do question it. While I meet all of your checklist except number 7, I sometimes do have doubts. Not because I don't love my partner, but because some days our love isn't the heart pounding, swooning love you see in movies. It's the simple, trusting sort of love that you see in a friendship.

That's just how it goes some days.

As for you, Violin09, I had a similar thing happen in my relationship with my second boyfriend. We didn't see each other for about six weeks, maybe a little longer, and it gave me some clarity about the relationship that I didn't have when interacting with him. Our separation allowed me to see that in certain ways we were not compatible at all, and they were very important issues to me at the time. So, yes, space can give you some thoughts from a different perspective.

But, it seems that you worked things out. =)

Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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