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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » We have only been going out for a week, is doing sexual things 'okay'?

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Author Topic: We have only been going out for a week, is doing sexual things 'okay'?
Member # 50259

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We have dated for a month, and now it has been a week and he has already tried to finger me. I have been fingered before from a boyfriend who I went out with for a year, but we never moved as fast as this. I really like him and I don't want to lose him, but everytime he has tried I say no and make him stop. I am worried it will ruin our relationship if we just hop on and start doing sexual things (besides sex.) I already feel like we are already really emotionally connected because we get along pretty well and have a fun time, I am just hesitant about sexual things because I know he is not a virgin and has had plenty of experience and I do not have that much.

We are 16 by the way.
What is your opinion on this?


Posts: 1 | From: USA | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 49692

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If you are uncomfortable with doing anything this fast, then tell him. If he really cares about you, then he will respect your boundaries. Communication is the key advice i can give you right now. You need to open up with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. If he breaks uo with you over this, then he doesn't really care about you, just the sexual activity.
Posts: 42 | From: va | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48970

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You probably know this already, but I just wanted to emphasize it. You said, "I really like him and I don't want to lose him", and I would just like to point out that it's not a great idea to use sex as a way of keeping a guy around.

Your preferences and desires are important. If you don't feel ready to have sex yet and want to have a longer history before having sex, then by all means voice this rather than just follow his lead even though you're not entirely comfortable. If he has a problem with that, then likely he wouldn't respect you in other ways, and guys like that aren't worth keeping around.

And I don't think you need to be worried about inexperience. In my (albeit inexperienced) opinion, people pretty much instinctively know how to have sex (good thing too!), but everyone has a unique style of sex and quirks when it comes to pleasure. Good sex comes when a couple figures out how to give each other pleasure in ways they enjoy, and that takes empathy, sensitivity, and a desire to please the other. So experience does not mean universally better at sex.

Posts: 89 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50299

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I noticed that you didn't say that you loved him or he you. So I would say slow down.

I myself had sex only after 5 weeks when I was starting my relationship. But We were/are in love and very ready and I wasn't a virgin at the time (he was) and we were both in our late 20's

The fact that you are
1) hesitant
2) are asking if it ok

I honestly think you shouldn't be doing this because it seems like your not really ready for this. Sex should be a thing you are 100% positive about with absolutely NO regrets about.

When I wasn't ready I just told him ' no below the belt". Just don't put yourself in a situation where saying no is hard. Keep his & your pants on when you make out. If he is worth your time and is a wonderful guy then he WILL wait. And sweetie if he doesn't then its better you didn't do anything in the first place.

Some things you see with your eyes, others you see with your heart. - Land Before Time

Posts: 6 | From: Perth | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carpe Diem
Member # 47124

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cyberbat: I really don't think that any of us should be telling anyone else here what they SHOULD or SHOULD NOT do, but rather help them decipher for themselves what is best for them.

Too? Love does not need to be a prerequisite for sex to occur for everyone and in every situation. What is right for one person is not necessarily what is appropriate for someone else.

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

Posts: 210 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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EllenRose: Communication is absolutely key here - and also being able to set boundaries. In any relationship, sexual or not, there needs to be boundaries and a respect for the other person including that when boundaries are set they're not broken. We have a great article about communication here at the site that may help you with having this conversation with him. Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner and even have some Some sample conversations to go with it.

cyberbat: Just adding a bit to Happybunny's reply - we never want to make assumptions about other people and their relationships. For instance, we don't want to assume that any person must feel love before any type of sex will occur - and vise-versely that any person who is in love then would feel ready because they're in love. Readiness is a personal thing based around a LOT of aspects, and those differ some person to person and experience to experience.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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