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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend's fantasy

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Author Topic: Boyfriend's fantasy
Member # 36972

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My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 months. We were introduced by our parents (as odd as that sounds) and we have lot of things in common, including our cultural background. Even though we havenít been seeing each other that long, and the long distance thing is a real bummer, we both feel like this relationship has the potential to turn into a lifelong commitment.

Heís coming to visit me next weekend, and Iím assuming weíll have sex for our first time. I have somewhat more sexual experience than him, and while he found that confronting at first, we have been open in our communication and have managed to put that issue to bed.

Iíve recently become aware of another issue. While talking about what weíll get up to next weekend, he mentioned that heíd like me to wear cultural dress for our first time, because he fantasises about this a lot. Normally, this wouldnít be an issue, but I donít feel that it is representative of me holistically (it only represents one facet of me as an individual) and I donít want to be reduced to this one thing.

I think part of the reason Iím feeling like this is because my ex-boyfriend dumped me for someone of the same cultural background as him, and he was quite open about the reason. My current boyfriend has also been quite open about the fact that he loves that we have our cultural background in common. Given my past relationship, Iím wary of feeling like that is the only reason why he is with me. I also feel like our first time should be more about exploring and getting to know each other as we are (although Iím quite happy to dress up further down the track). My boyfriend thinks Iím being unreasonable. Am I?

Posts: 19 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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He thinks you're being unreasonable about.... not dressing the way he wants you to, but that you're (validly) uncomfortable with?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carpe Diem
Member # 47124

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I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all. And the fact that he thinks that you are being unreasonable concerns me.

I hear you saying that the first time you two have sex you want it to be about discovering each other and that is totally fine.

You have also indicated to him that you are willing to fulfill his fantasy by dressing up later on in the relationship, just not the first time you're together, and I think that he should respect that.

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

Posts: 210 | From: Canada | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 49766

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I would be careful. Maybe you guys should hold off on having sex for a little while, sex isnt the only way to discover eachother. You never know if cultural background is his reason for liking you. you have only been together for two months and you still have alot of discovering to do.

but NO you are not being unreasonable at all. never do anything that you are uncomfertable doing, if he loves and respects you he will respect your boundries.


Posts: 19 | From: U.S | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50403

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Did you explain to him your reasons? Because if so, there's no reason he should think of it as unreasonable...otherwise, it should help.

the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead

Posts: 26 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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