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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » can't find the words

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Author Topic: can't find the words
smalltowngirl
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Member # 46811

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how do i tell my mom that I'm still with my boyfriend that she doesn't really like? I would just like her to see that although all things he has put me through I still love him. I could talk to her before. I hate lying to her about stuff like this, but she makes me feel as if I talk to her about this she isn't going to compromise and understand what I feel. I understand she doesn't want me to go through things she went through, but he makes me happy. So how can I talk to her?

[ 11-09-2010, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: smalltowngirl ]

Posts: 28 | From: mississippi | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Are you asking about this relationship: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/010675/p/1.html

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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smalltowngirl
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no i'm with a new guy
Posts: 28 | From: mississippi | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Do you know what it is about him she doesn't like and is worried about? When you say "all the things he has put me through," can I ask what kinds of things you're talking about?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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smalltowngirl
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she just thinks that i don't know what i want. he can be jealous sometimes because I hang around mostly guys. I understand it makes him upset, so I sometimes get stressed out and this usually make me stop eating some. I know it isn't such a good idea for me to hang around these guys since most of them like me, but i don't really have that many girl friends to talk to. so idk
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Heather
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When he gets upset, how does he deal with that and express it?

Is your mother upset because of how he behaves at these times, and/or is this mostly about her worries on how you react by going without food?

When she voices her concerns, what does she typically tell you?

Do you feel like you can ask your mother to be supportive of you, and let you be honest, even if she is not supportive of a given relationship that you're in? In other words, can you try and find middle ground with her where you ask her for a little more latitude, so you can be honest, but where you also try and hear her concerns more so she feels more able to have that information but still be supportive of you -- you, by yourself, not you as whomever's girlfriend?

[ 11-09-2010, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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smalltowngirl
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like he doesn't yell at me or hit me or anything like that. he just feels like i don't care and can be distant sometimes. my mom just gets upset because I'm not wanting to eat and she tells me that it hurts her to see me like that and if he is treating me bad to tell her.
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Heather
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Withholding attention or affection to express anger actually isn't emotionally healthy in a relationship. Mind, if he's not doing that, but is just asking for some space and time, and making clear it's about managing his own feelings, that's something else.

At the same time, disordered eating is also a pretty smart thing for your Mom to be concerned about, and if it's all in reaction to this relationship, then she also has cause for concern about it or your own ability to manage yourself well in the relationship.

It sounds like you've got a Mom who cares about you, and that's a really good thing. So, how about this: how about you tel her that you really want to talk with her, and want to feel able to tell her things, but are worried she won't support you. You can make clear that you're not asking her to approve or okay of all of your choices (because that's not always the best way TO support someone, and not something we can ask of people who care about us fairly), and that you're up for talking with her about them, but that you also want to have a balance where you really feel supported by her as a person.

Can you try that out?

[ 11-09-2010, 07:32 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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smalltowngirl
Neophyte
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yeah thanks
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Heather
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You got it. Good luck!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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