I have a twin sister and a sister 5 years younger than me (16). I have never gotten along with my younger sister. My twin and I used to fight when we were little. Then we started getting along really well for the most part and became really close. Now we're worse than ever.
I don't know what's happened. For 3+ years things have gotten really bad. We're not close anymore. We can't talk about things. I've lost a lot of trust in her because she has a habit of telling people things I tell her and ask her not to. She acts so childish. If something happens between us she has to run to our mom. She won't help me with school if I need it (but I help her). It has to be a competition to her. If she helps me I could do better than her. And that's not acceptable. Sure, I want to do better than her, but if she needs help I'm not gonna let her fall behind. And if that means she does better, then good for her.
We fight over stupid things. I've really been working on not over reacting and ignoring things. I know I'm not perfect and cause problems sometimes too. But she and my parents think she does nothing wrong; it's always me.
She and my younger sister get along pretty well. They'll plan a movie date or something and not even invite me. I'm only invited if I ask why I wasn't invited in the first place. Or they'll wait til last minute and not let me help plan anything. They'll borrow each others clothes but not let me.
They both treat me like crap. Like I said,I'm trying to ignore things and not fight back. Trying to be the bigger person,but it's so hard sometimes. I feel like I have lost my sisters. I feel like I don't have any.
All I want is for the 3 of us to get along. My parents are no help. They favor the 2 of them (my grandparents have noticed since we were really small and have tried to talk to them about it but they deny it). Anytime I try to talk about how this makes me feel, the blame is put on me. It's my fault they don't include me.
It's not my fault completely. I know I've contributed to things. I know what I do wrong, and I'm trying to fix them. I'm so discouraged because I can't do it myself. I've been told my younger sister is this way because of her age and she will get over it. She keeps getting worse.
It's so hard thinking back to when my younger sister told me I'm the worst sister anybody could ever have. And my twin currently tells me to stay out of her life.
I don't know what to do.. or if I can do anything at all.
[ 10-13-2010, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Sara ]
Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: Oct 2010
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While this type of relationship is outside of my area of training, I didnít want to leave you without some kind of response. I can only go by personal experience for my suggestion. I too have had family issues in my past and the main thing that helped me was counseling! I canít say everything was able to be resolved, but I have learned what was best for me and how to live with the parts that werenít.
I am having some of those issues with my own sister. She's a year younger than me so we were best friends growing up. Then I got my first boyfriend when I was 18 and things changed. She stopped wanting to be around me (she hated him) and because of this, I spent more time with him... I would invite her to things one on one, she would refuse and then her friends would ask her to do the same thing and she would agree. It really hurt me, but things didn't get better. I'm 20 now, and it's been almost three years and our relationship is still strained. It's a slow process and sometimes I don't think we will ever be able to get it back to where it was. With that said, sometimes you do have to "let go" of some relationships and focus on just being kind to one another as oppose to being really close. Even if it is family. You can only ask that people consider your point of view, but we can't force them and that's hard. Your post made me want to cry because I know how hard it can be to see people everyday and be made to feel like you are the problem. You definitely are showing strength by trying keep to your own convictions of trying to help your sister even though she just wants to compete, etc.
My best friend has a more similar situation to yours than I do though. She's the middle child and has always been treated poorly. Her parents and her grandmother (who live with them) treat her as less than her sisters. She's grown up being called stupid or a waste every day by her sisters and sometimes her parents. She's always trying to help them so that they see her as an asset to the family and not just someone to ignore. To not go crazy in her own house as she's told me, she puts more of her time, etc. into her friendships and we've become her family.
It is even more difficult because your sisters are allowed to say such horrible things to you which is verbally and emotionally abusive. And your younger sister might be young, but that does not mean her behavior should be excused because of her age. We have these ideals in society "that's what siblings/kids do" and we except these things instead of showing people that kindness is a virtue we could all use a bit more of.
Sorry, my post was long, I just wanted to show that you aren't alone and I somewhat understand. It is hard and there really isn't anything you can do other than talking to them (you said you have, but no one listens). You can try to get others to vouch for you as well (like your grandparents might talk to your parents, maybe). Others will see the best in you even if your family may not right now, so try to form other relationships as well with mentors, cousins, friends, etc. These are just suggestions. Anyway, I hope this helped and I'm sorry if something I said was irrelevant or unhelpful!! I wish you the best with this!!
And I agree with the other poster that counseling may help. I am in counseling and it has helped me to see my family issues in a different way. I am become a less angry and a more helpful person and while my sister may not be getting closer to me or appreciating me, I am glad to have somewhere I can talk about these things.
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