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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not as perfect as I think?

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Author Topic: Not as perfect as I think?
Natalie H
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Hey, everyone. I have some pretty awesome news. I met this chick, this AMAZING chick, recently and we've really hit it off. We like all the same movies and music, and we're both very artistic. We have the same sense of humor and I think pretty good chemistry. She's so cool and I'm really into her, and she's told me she likes me. We've been talking (mostly through exchanging long, like three page, notes) for about two weeks now. But we've shared so much, and she's confided some things in me that she's never told anyone before(like that she was raped repeatedly by a family friend when she was a kid, and her issues with her parents). I feel like I know her really well.

But there's some things that I really don't like about her. Like, she doesn't really give me much attention when we see each other at school. It's not like she ignores me or anything, but she acts like she wouldn't care either way, and gives a lot more attention to her friends. This seems strange, because I thought if you like someone you definitely give them at least SOME attention, especially since we don't see each other that often.
She also hates planning. Even just making weekend plans, she can't stand it, she thinks that things will more than likely go awry if you plan ahead. That really doesn't work for me, one because I can't DO anything unless I plan ahead, my family needs notice beforehand, and two because I just like to do that, I like to have something to look forward to and a sure thing that I'll be doing something with someone. I also think that it's her issues with making plans that we aren't actually dating. And also a lot of times she's canceled plans that we've made, or been flaky about them.

I think this might lead to a relationship in the future. I know for sure she likes me, and I've told her I like her, and we hold hands sometimes, and we flirt just a bit. But I'm worried she wont commit, and I'm worried that maybe these issues are just the start of even more issues in the future.

I guess I'm just wondering if these are signs of something I should be wary of? Or any advice on how to address these issues with her? Or anything you guys wanna chime in?

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Personally, I think concerns about commitment two weeks into talking is putting the cart before the horse in a big way. I understand that you feel like you know her pretty well, but you two-weeks-know-her, you know? For sure, some connections can have a lot of velocity, so it can feel like more, but the fact remains that that's how much you know her.

Per the attention at school: is she out? If not, that all by itself may be what's going on. Also, have you asked HER about this?

With the planning, this to me sounds like a personality difference, mostly. Have you talked about trying to meet in the middle on it, where she tries to plan a little, and you try to need planning a bit less?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67063 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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Yeah, I know it's a little silly to be worrying about that, but I just think that since I like her and she likes me, we'd, you know, actually work toward the point of being in a relationship? It's not a pressing concern, I was just wondering if anything she's done is like a sign of that.

She's very much out, and I mentioned it to her and she just laughed it off. She was like, 'Awww, you just want some attention, huh?'

I'll talk to her about the middle ground for planning, but the main problem I have with it is that if I don't make plans than my family wont let me go anywhere. I have to tell them a day or two beforehand. If it were up to me I wouldn't even think about it, she could call me up ten minutes before and it'd be fine. I'm trying to be more ok with this, like I haven't made her canceling on me an issue (she's under a lot of stress right now and I don't want my neediness to be just something else to pile on) and I've been really chill about us getting together like 'maybe, maybe not, it's cool, whatever.'

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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A lot of this feels like to me she really isn't that interested. Or she's messing with me. I mean, I think it's really incredible that I met someone that even KNOWS some of the bands I love, let alone be a girl that just so happens to be a lesbian and goes to my school. So I really think this is a special occurrence, at least for me, but the way she acts makes me think that I might be a dime a dozen to her.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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One thing I think is important to say is that you JUST came out of a long-term relationship. So, I wound just make sure you're not rushing here, and that you really feel ready for dating and have given yourself the time between you need. It sounds to me like it might be that some of this is a little too soon, all things given.

I'd also say that the dynamics of your last relationship seemed to have elements of dysfunction and control, which means you probably ARE used to more attention that one gets in healthy relationships. Mind, I'm not saying your perception that she pays her friends more attention than you is wrong, I'm just wondering if maybe what she asked you was apt in this way. Get what I'm asking?

Sometimes, when we just start dating -- whatever gender we're dating, but I think this happens more when we're queer and want to date same-sex -- it can be easy to light on the first opportunity we see as Our Perfect Person. Like, we're so amazed there IS someone we can date, given the smallness of queer dating pools most of the time, and someone we actually like and who likes us that we rush or the velocity is a bit faster in our hearts and heads than it would be otherwise.

So, who knows her level of interest: it's really early in all of this, and you're in the period of time with this where that's something you're just starting to find out. If you're already feeling very attached to this before you have really had the time to know that, I'd suggest dialing your own stuff back and trying to keep that perspective in mind.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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lucidkitty
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Perhaps telling her that you do like her....but that you can't ever let that develop because you need time to work plans with your parents? If she really is digging you chicka then she will alter herself a bit for you. And awww @ the handholding, that's my favorite part of a relationship =D.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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