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Author Topic: girlfriend blocking me out?
scottie
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Member # 43043

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this is the same person as referred to in my previous post's.

we've slowly been working on things, and have been "dating" now for around 3 weeks, however we've been quite close for a fair while longer.

last time we dated she broke it off after she'd opened up to me about her past, on the Wednesday just gone i spoke to her about my concerns that because she's been hurt and abused by so many people before that i was worried that she wouldn't trust me enough to "let me in" if ya know what i mean, and that if she did that she'd just close her self off again, however she assured me that she was serious about the relationship and i just had to give her some time.

i live about an hour and a half drive from where she lives, i knew this week that she'd been having a bad week due to wor, so i thought i'd buy her some flower's and surprise her after she finished work on Thursday night, so i went to her place (well her grandma's house who she lives with), spoke with her grandma for about an hour then we picked her up from work.

she didn't even say hi to me when she seen me, wouldn't hug me when i went to hug her, so i confronted her and said she didn't seem very happy to see me, i was expecting her to say she'd had a long day and was just tired or something, but instead she said that she didn't want to see anyone, so i just politely said that i think i should go and drove home, really quite upset, i feel like a dickhead for even making the effort.

so really i'm just wondering what i should do here? i feel like i need to talk to her about ti and find out what's going on, i really need some help her, i'm just doing my head in here [Frown]

[ 10-08-2010, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: scottie ]

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"The hard way is the easy way."

Posts: 36 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Was this just a one-time occurrence, or something that has happened before? Has she called you or otherwise contacted you since to apologize?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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scottie
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up until today she hadn't contacted me at all, i drove down there today to talk with her, i hate talking about things lie this on the phone, i called her when i was about an hour away from her house and she sounded as though she didn't want to speak with me at all, but i went anyway.

when i got there everything seemed fairly fine, i spoke to her, told her why i was upset, and that i feel like she's blocking me out abit.

now i'm still fairly upset with her, i think at the moment we're on fairly good terms, but me and her had planned to go camping for two nights this weekend, she changed her mind and is staying at one of her friends places tonight (she asked me to give her a lift there) and staying home tomorrow night, first i've heard of our change of plans, and it happens all the time, i can't ever trust that if she say's we're going to go somewhere or do something that it will even happen, 90% of the time she end's up doing something else instead.

i think the problem go's abit deeper then that for me though, almost all of her close friends are guy's, which i have no problem with at all, what bothers me is that when she greets me when i havn't seen her for a while, i rarely even get a hug, when she see's then she pretty much jump's into they're arm's i get the feeling she'd rather be with them then me, and it makes me feel insecure, i don't care if she does hug them but she does it in front of me, and never greets me with the same enthusiasm, i rarely even get a smile.

i suppose i should also say that she doesn't seem at all interested in anything intimate, i personally feel things like cuddling on the couch and a kiss every now and then are very important, but she's not interested in anything lie that, she treat's the relationship as a friendship, but say's it's a relationship if i mention anything.

[ 10-09-2010, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: scottie ]

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"The hard way is the easy way."

Posts: 36 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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The thing is, unless this was somethung unusual for her, it sounds like she may not be a big fan of the drop-in, so while I get not wanting to talk about things like this on the phone, at the very least, perhaps you can call her first and ask to come over to talk in person?

I hear you saying that this very much feels like a platonic relationship to you, and that it also feels like the other people she has platonic relationships with appear to get more physical affection from her. Have you asked her about this? Have you two talked together about what each of you ideally wants in this relationship, including things like physical affection?

As well, have you talked to her about her frequently cancelling and changing plans, and made clear that it's important to you that with some flexibility for the fact that sometimes plans will change, you need her to honor plans she makes with you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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scottie
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thank you for all of the advice heather, i managed to get her to sit down with me yesterday and tal about all of this, which really is a big thing for her, because of her past normally when she's upset she'll just block everything and everyone out.

but that said the reason she was upset with me is i think completely stupid, i posted a few status updates on my facebook page about how upset i was, but in them i was referring to my brother (who died 5 years ago in a car accident), she read them and assumed they were about her, and that i was upset with her, and so just did what she always does, went quite and wouldn't talk, i've spoken with her and told her from this point on if she's upset with me, or if she thinks i'm upset with her, especially because of something she's read on facebook or heard from anyone other then myself that she's to call me and find out from me, just a complete lack of communication has caused me and her so much stress this past week, to think one phone call would have prevented it all makes me just sit back and go wow, weather or not she actually does call me next time is something i'm keen to see..

now we just need to work through everything else..

[ 10-10-2010, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: scottie ]

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"The hard way is the easy way."

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lucidkitty
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To be honest your gf sounds bit selfish, and i certainly. Very little physical affection, and her breaking plans with you 90 percent of the time make me wonder.It sounds almost as like she is just using you for a personal car service to be honest. Next time she does that i would tell her no, you will get a clue on how serious she takes things then.
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Heather
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I'm glad you were able to advocate for yourself. I agree, her leaping to the idea that you talking about your brother was about her was pretty self-absorbed on her part, and also was something she should have just called you about. One'd also hope, too, that if she's reading about you feeling upset, the first thing she'd want to do is call you up and see if you're okay out of concern, rather than going to the place where her primary though is if you're talking about her.

I agree, I think given this talk, it's important to see if she tries making the change in approach the two of you discussed.

How did the rest of your talk go about the other issues?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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scottie
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quote:
Originally posted by lucidkitty:
To be honest your gf sounds bit selfish, and i certainly. Very little physical affection, and her breaking plans with you 90 percent of the time make me wonder.It sounds almost as like she is just using you for a personal car service to be honest. Next time she does that i would tell her no, you will get a clue on how serious she takes things then.

honestly 've had that thought myself a few times, but i feel as if i don't do everything i can to help this work, and there is something there, then i dont wanna have her be "the one that got away" but right now it's causing me alot of stressing and sucking alot of my energy..

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"The hard way is the easy way."

Posts: 36 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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