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Author Topic: In a Heart-Breaking Pickle!
DiatomBomb
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So I told myself I'd hold off calling this a full-fledged Problem until a year passed. If it did, and I felt the same, I would have a problem.

Turns out, Scarleteen, I have a problem. :c

Starting November last year I started liking a friend of mine. Realizing that it was wrong to be in a relationship and have feelings for someone else simultaneously, I broke it off with my then-boyfriend over one of our breaks. There were more issues at hand, of course, but this was a catalyst for ending my relationship. Since my friend and I live in the same area, we drive to and from college together. I told him I broke up with my boyfriend, he said he started dating someone. It felt bad, but hadn't expected him to ask me out right then and there, and even if he did, I'd need a few months to get over my break up. (I was with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years.) So I shrugged it off and tried to move on.

We got closer through doing theater together and hanging out, and during the second semester we became best friends. People always asked me if we were dating since we were always together and seemed "couply". Once a drunk girl referred to me as his girlfriend and neither of us corrected her.

Our mutual friends make/made snide remarks about our flirtatiousness. All of my friends know I'm head-over-heels for this guy, but I don't know if he knows. I feel if he did, he wouldn't act the way he does around me, which gives me all sorts of mixed messages. On the other hand, I'm so obvious, he has to know. Since we've never really talked about it, I'd like to tell him, but I feel like it's inappropriate since he has a girlfriend. He is still dating her, and I really do not want to interfere in any way.

I really do think I love him, though.

I feel a lot of pressure to tell him, from everyone, since they all seem to think he and I would just fall into a beautiful relationship, when I know it wouldn't be that way at all. I know that in the end it is my decision, but when everyone encourages you and tells you that he obviously has reciprocated feelings, it gives you a sense of false hope.

What should I do? Should I say something? How can I tell whether it is worth it? I don't want to ruin a relationship; mine with him OR his with his girlfriend.

Thanks a lot for listening, guys. I really needed this.

Posts: 3 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lucidkitty
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I mean you can tell him, but don't have any expectations he will say it back. The problem is you don't know his motivations behind the flirting. Is he a flirty person by nature? Is he in a LDR with that girl because he might just be using his friendship with you to get what he misses from her. He might also be a typical college boy and hoping he can have his cake and eat it too i.e. sleep with you and still date her. And then again he could be having issues with her and is bonding to you because of it. You should proceed with some caution here, and i advise that you tell him you like him a lot, but not confess your love to him. Because if he doesn't feel the same way that might makes things very awkward. Also put yourself in this girls shoes and think how you would feel if your bf acted the same with a close friend of his? Anyway good luck to you [Smile] .
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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I think you should gently broach the subject. It seems like you've been holding on to this crush for a long long time, and maybe you guys are on completely different pages. And if he does reject you, you see how hard it would be for you to accept that? Because you've fallen so deep into it, it could be completely one sided. And if he doesn't reject you, you need to accept that he might not be in love with you like you are with him. That's the tricky thing about unspoken feelings, you never know exactly where the other person is on the matter.

Be wary trying to be romantically involved with your best friend: sometimes when you go into a relationship everything changes because of that. You might lose the person he was when he's your friend when he becomes your boyfriend. I've seen it happen. However, maybe nothing will change at all except now you guys will call yourself something else and be more physical... you need to figure out exactly what you define as a relationship, what you want out of it. Because maybe you two already have that, so why muck it up?

Basically, it's up to you to decide. This kind of thing has everything to do with the context of the problem and the people involved, so I really don't think you can find good, clear advice from the internet. Perhaps you should try talking to one of your mutual friends (specifically one that ISN'T pressuring you to go out, preferably someone neutral) and get advice from them. Someone that knows both of you well can tell you more than any stranger can.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Before you decide whether or not you want to tell him about your feelings, you might want to think what sort of outcome you're hoping for.

If you just want to be honest with him about the way you feel, because you think that the secrecy and the repressed feelings is affecting your relationship, then talking to him might be a good idea.

If you're hoping that he'll confess mutual feelings, or break up with his girlfriend to be with you, I'd re-think it again.

Another factor would be just how close you are. You say your best friends. Do you usually talk about emotions, crushes, etc? If so, it might not be such a big deal to tell him. But if you two don't usually talk about these things and you'd be broaching entirely new territory, again, I'd re-think it.

Ultimately, though, it's your call. You know your relationship best, and you know yourself best. Only you can decide whether it's worth it to tell him.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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DiatomBomb
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To lucid kitty, I have no expectations about what will happen if I tell him, and that is the frightening part. He is not really flirtatious by nature, but I've been told by people that aren't really close to either of us that we act as if we're exclusive; that makes me a feel a whole slew of things. I feel guilty, because it's not fair to his girlfriend, but it also feels nice since I do like him. And he's not the type of guy to cheat, so not only would I not want that ever, but he wouldn't do it in the first place. And I know what you mean about putting myself in her shoes. That's what makes this so painful. I feel like I should pull away from him and not be so close, but... I can't.

At Natalie: I'm expecting him to not have feelings back. That's what I tell myself every day. The only reason I'd want to tell him is because it's been going on for so long and we're so close, that it kills me to keep it inside of me. I don't expect a relationship out of telling him at all, but it's one of those things that nags at me to just tell him already and get it over with. And you're right about the advice; I've asked so many people, and they tell me that from an outsiders perspective, it doesn't look one-sided, which doesn't help me at all.

At September: If you read the responses earlier in this post, you'll see that I really just want to get it out there and I have no expectations of him. I wouldn't want him to break up with his girlfriend because of me. That would feel terrible. And yeah, we've always talked about our relationships and crushes and the like, but I feel wary of telling him.

We are so compatible and he is one of the best people I've ever met. I really don't want him to find out from someone else, but I don't want to ruin what we have. It's a classic issue, but him being in a relationship makes this a bit more complicated. Like I said, I tried to let this go, I even had a bit of a fling with someone, but it didn't feel right considering how strongly I feel about him. I hoped that after a year, I'd get over it, but it's still here and as frustrating as ever.

Thanks for the advice, guys. I guess I'll just wait until the time is right, whenever that is! For now, I am happy to have him in my life as one of the best friends I've ever had.

Posts: 3 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lucidkitty
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You never do know what their relationship is like..things might not be that great between them and he wants to find someone before he breaks up with her. I would tell him how you feel and see what he says.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nessa13
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But lucidkitty, you can't really assume things, either. Jumping into this and thinking only of possibilities of how he is *actually* not happy with his girlfriend may just only be fooling yourself. I'm not saying these things are never true, but I think we need to be respectful of other people and their relationships and not to jump to any assumption.
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Tashi
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I know your situation is different than mine was, but I'll offer my two cents, DiatomBomb. I had a major crush on a childhood friend of mine for literally, a decade. Long story short, during middle school and high school, we grew apart, but I still thought about him all the time. In 11th grade, kinda on the spur of the moment, I wrote him an email telling him that I had liked him for forever, and still kinda did and thought about him every now and then. Obviously, he didn't return the feelings. We had grown too far apart over the years. But I don't regret it one bit. It would have eaten away at me for years if I had never told him how I felt. Even if there wasn't a chance of anything happening. It was sort of a "unless you do it, you'll never know" kind of thing.

I see that your situation is way more complex and involved than mine was, but if there's anyway that you can express your feelings to him without compromising your friendship, or his relationship with his girlfriend or anything, I would personally say "go for it." When I told my childhood crush my feelings, my only regret was that I hadn't done it sooner. But it felt good to tell him.

I hope your situation works out in the end. I can empathize, most certainly. Here are some hugs from someone that totally understands. *hugs*

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DiatomBomb
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To Nessa and lucidkitty, he does have some issues with his girlfriend atm, but that doesn't say anything about the strength of their bond. Every relationship has ups and downs, and they may just be at a rough spot right now. Also, lucidkitty, if he's seeing me as a "back up", I'm not quite so sure I'd want to date him in the first place.

Tashi, thanks so much for sharing. That's the kind of attitude I have right now: I'm itching to let him know, lest I never get the chance. Then again, I see him everyday, so it is a rather different situation, like you said.

It's just a very difficult position to be in, as I want the best for him and I want him to be happy, and if that's not with me, yeah, it sucks. But it'll be okay.

What makes this really hard is how ambiguous he acts. If I really felt like there was nothing between us, I feel like reality would have let me move on at this point. I don't know if he feels anything for me emotionally, but there is definite sexual tension.

Is it wrong for me to let this continue, for his girlfriend's sake? I feel so guilty. Maybe he doesn't realize how flirtatious he is, or maybe he does and refuses to acknowledge. I feel torn between distancing myself from him, letting things stay the same, and bringing it up. But I am so afraid of losing him. He is the best friend I've ever had and has supported me and challenged me and made me a better person, and I feel like I've done the same for him. I don't know if it's worth putting these things at risk.

:[ Again, no advice necessary, but it really does help. Even sharing other similar stories is very comforting.

Thanks.

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lucidkitty
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Not as a backup, nut sometimes people don't feel comfortable out of a relationship....they would rather be with someone then no one,unhappy or not. It might be he is unhappy but likes you too...and wants to see how you 2 gel together before he makes that leap. Look just let him know how you feel...and if he gives a cryptic answer tell him you feel you 2 need to stop.

[ 09-29-2010, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: lucidkitty ]

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nessa13
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I don't know if you should be feeling guilty unless you are aware that you are actually intending to be flirtatious, and if his girlfriend specifically says she feels uncomfortable about it.

They way you speak about this, it seems to me like it's either heading towards a conflict or breaking off entirely, which I'm sure you do not want. My best advice would be to approach him in a mature, calm manner and say something like "I have strong feelings for you, but I tell you this with no expectations from you and with no want whatsoever to damage your current relationship." And just tell him that it would eat you up inside if you kept it to yourself, and how you wouldn't want to change your friendship if he does not reciprocate your feelings. I'm sure he would understand. Unless you do decide to keep this to yourself, that is. It is your decision.

You said there is 'definite sexual tension'. Could you elaborate on that?

Posts: 7 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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