It makes me feel horrible to type this; to describe this... But I know I want answers. My boyfriend and I will have been together 1 year and 1 month at the end of this month. But.... He lies. A lot. I can't stand smoking, people that smoke, cigarettes and cigars in general. He lied to me for 4 months at the beginning of our relationship, saying he quit smoking and why he always smells like it is because his mum is a heavy smoker (and she is). I believed him until I found cigarettes in his room. Over and over again. It was terrible, nightmarish cycle because I've had extremely abusive and unstable relationships in the past. Now, almost a year later, he's STILL lying about it. He finally admitted to smoking 3 weeks ago and people are telling me he may or may not be buying tobacco products from his "friends" at school, flirting with a girl, etc. It's hard to trust him with a lot of things due to this. On top of that, he drags me around, smacks me if I comment on my weight, etc. We are sexually active, but that's not why I'm just breaking it off. I actually do think I love him. He's agreed that he lies a lot, but he insists I trust him and goes into a rage if I accuse him or ask him something that I've heard from a close friend. He grew up with an abusive older brother and a mum who could care less, and everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) around him smokes and drinks. On his 18th birthday, he broke a promise to me by getting a tattoo because his brother said he'd pay for it. He promised me that our first tattoos would be together, and symbolic of our relationship. I feel broken. He excludes me from his daily life, and almost rushes to get away from me sometimes. _I'M_ always the one asking him to stay longer or to cuddle, or something as simple as a peck on the lips. Advice? :/
[anata wo dakishime nemuritai♥] Posts: 48 | From: Somewhere | Registered: Dec 2009
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I have to tell you, communication is the key to any healthy relationship. The fact that he's lied so many, many, MANY times to you about these things, especially because they seem to be things that mean a lot to you, shows that he isn't someone you can trust. He isn't someone that respects your feelings, and by the sound of things, he isn't someone that respects YOU.
I really don't think you should stay with this guy. It seems to me that if someone lies about something, and not just once but over and over for a long period of time, then they aren't trustworthy people.
Also keep in mind that people that grow up in abusive environments can often become abusive people themselves. This sounds a lot like emotional abuse coming from him, but you mentioned him smacking you when you talk about your weight? Even if he's *not* physically abusive, or not so much in a way that seems to be an issue to you, he doesn't seem like a person that's healthy for you to be with.
[ 09-25-2010, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Natalie H ]
-------------------- Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle. Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010
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That might also help you figure out whether this relationship is a good one for you.
And an even simpler tool is just to try and make a list of the positive and negative sides of this relationship. What are the ways in which it makes you feel awesome and loved? And what are the ways in which it makes you feel crappy? No relationship is perfect, and there are always going to be some issues to work out, but overall, a healthy, happy relationship should make you feel good most of the time. If you're feeling crappy most of the time, the relationship is likely to be unhealthy.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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Well the lying would be bad enough, but the fact he smacks you should be enough to let you know you need to leave. You deserve a nice person who is honest and takes care of you, and you shouldn't believe that being with an abusive person is all you ever deserve. I might add because you seem to have a cycle of abusive relationships that you speak to a therapist, as you might have some problems that need to be worked out.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010
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I think we're working through it... I don't believe he's abusive. I love him a lot, and I told him he needs to respect me more... I yell at him often but I need to find away around these trust issues..
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