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Author Topic: relationship whirlwind
mesopotamia
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Hey, many thanks to anyone who reads this post! =)


I had a long-term boyfriend on and off for about 4 years in high school. I recently moved into college and we broke up.

Late last week I found a new guy. He was really into me, and I liked him as well. We got together. He began to get emotional to the point of being creepy, such as telling me that he loved me, and that he was obsessed with me. We went as far as making out, after only like three days together. That was Saturday. On Sunday morning, we talked and he essentially took it all back, saying that we needed to move slower, which I was ok with because I was getting uncomfortable with the pace at which we moved as well. Sunday and Monday passed with little conflict. Yesterday evening, he essentially dumped me, saying that he needed a week alone to think whether or not he was ready for a relationship. He told me that he really regretted going so far with me (the furthest he's ever gone with a girl).

I now emerged super confused and angry from that week. We had known each other for less than a week, during which he gets really sentimental and then proceeds to break up with me. Yes, I realize that at the end of his week alone, he may decide to reunite with me, but after the BS he's put me through, I'm not sure I should really take him back.

I also know that we come from very different backgrounds in terms of relationships. I just came from a very close relationship, where I essentially did everything with my ex and we were best friends. He does not have any experience with a serious relationship, so I feel like I overwhelmed him. He said that he was uncomfortable with the physicality of the relationship, but I feel that saying that he doubts he wants a relationship at all is a completely different level.

So from here, I don't know where to proceed. I sort of think that I shouldn't allot him the entire week. Although I think that generally a week apart is not a problem, we knew each other for less than a week in the first place. It doesn't make proportional sense to me. So, should I wait a couple/few days and then try and contact him for an update? should I wait the week out? or should I just try and not communicate with him period?

Let me know if clarification is needed, and I would be happy to elaborate (if this wasn't long enough already, lol).

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Heather
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I guess I'm not sure why this is a relationship you'd still consider, honestly.

It sounds to me like in just one week of dating, you got a lot of cues that this would probably not be someone to pursue a relationship with, both because it sounds like he's just not ready for that, because his behaviour creeped you out (validly, IMO), and because it sounds like you want something more physical that he does not. Also, you sound pretty annoyed here already: if in only one week, you're already feeling annoyed, that's a pretty strong indication that this probably isn't a good match.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Well, he seems so conflicted that it's been hard to me to understand what he really wants. A lot of the physicality began with him cause he was apparently really attracted to me, but then he backtracks because he says it's against his beliefs to be so physical (he thinks it's disrespectful to me; he feels guilty because he thinks he's using me).

I guess I gave him leeway because we've just moved into college and thus everything's kind of all over the place. That's his justification for taking time off, because he feels so stressed out/overwhelmed that he just needs time off to think.

I consider this relationship because I just came off a long term relationship and don't really know what to expect. I'm in this interim period where I don't exactly have any sense of what I want. He's also the closest friend I have right now. I know I can always find new, perhaps less confusing friends, but I don't feel like I should completely cut off communication with him. I mean, I would like to believe that there is a legitimate reason why we hooked up so quickly: because we were strongly attracted to each other and because conversation was so easy with him.

I didn't mean to come off as annoyed, I guess I'm more confused than anything.

Thanks for the reply!

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Heather
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I'm perplexed: you say you've only known this guy a for a week, right?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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yes
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Heather
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Okay, then he can't be THAT close of a friend, you know?

OR, if you can make friends THAT close in a week, surely he's not the only person you have met and could become friends with in very short order.

If you still want to talk to this guy, I don't see any reason not to do that. But per pursuing a dating relationship, if you're asking our advice, based on what you posted, it doesn't seem like a sound move to me, and seems likely to wind up with one or both of you not being comfortable or happy, and pretty quickly, too. For the most part, if a relationship starts with big issues and problems, it's a good indication they'll probably get worse. Usually things are easiest and at the start, not hardest.

One thing I'd also say is that you just had a breakup of an LTR. So, stepping right back into a relationship that seems awfully complicated and with conflict from the start sure seems like a crummy way -- to me -- to get back into your single life and dating. Why not focus on dates and dating relationships that do NOT start with conflict and people having a hard time right at the gate?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Thanks a lot for the advice. Typically when it comes to relationships I am a big pushover, which I guess is why I'm still willing to pursue this one. I will do my best to listen to your voice of rationality! =)
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Heather
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One thing I like to do after I'm out of a relationship is to sit down and make a list of all the things where my needs and wants were met in it, and then another list of where they were not. Then I also like to make a list of what I'd like in any new relationships moving forward.

I have found that doing that helps me tangibly clarify what I really want, and makes it a lot tougher to just fall back into old patterns with new relationships.

So, not sure if that might help you, too, but thought I'd put it out there.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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thanks a lot heather! actually the situation was resolved and we're now just friends. I think we're going to continue to be really close. I'll try out your list once I get settled into college =)
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mesopotamia
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Heather, I'm sorry to reawaken this post. I said the situation was resolved but it really isn't. And I'm having a lot of trouble with it right now.

He was the one that broke it off and said that we should just be friends because he wasn't ready for a relationship. That confused me so much and hurt me a little, because he was the one who was chasing me, and then he all of a sudden dumps me. But I was pretty chill with his decision; although I was confused by it, I just sort of went with it and accepted it for what it was.

So the next day (last thursday) I try and initiate contact with him and just ask him if he wants to eat a meal together. he says that we can eat dinner together. I ask him later in the day if he's still up for it, since we never set up a time+place to meet, and he replies to tell me that he has to meet with his sister and go to an event in the evening. Now, I'm the kind of person that likes to stick to plans and feels a strong sense of responsibility to act upon my word. So although I was a little irked that he had alternate plans and didn't bother to tell me until I prompted him, I was only mildly irritated, since it was just a casual meal. ALso that afternoon I showed up at his room to just to say hi and hang with him for a bit. When we parted, I gave him a hug, like I would to my friends, and he was SO uncomfortable about it.

Now I hoped that his awkwardness around me would fade over time, so I kept trying to talk with him and maintain a relationship with him to make him more comfortable around me. On Friday, we planned to eat dinner together. He told me that he was going to eat with him dormmates and invited me to come. I had nothing to do at the time before dinner, so I decide to just go to his room and hang there until dinnertime (i had about half an hour to kill). I txted him to ask him if i could come over, but no reply, so I just headed over there. But he refused to let me come in his room! I was so perplexed, considering that when we were "together" I spent entire days+nights in his room. He said that his room was his private area and its his rule that he can't let girls in his room. And I was like "since when?" and he said its always been his rule, even in high school. I was thinking, WTF? I also found it inconsiderate, because he told me to go back to my room and he'd txt me when his dormmates were heading out, which would be in about half an hour or so. Essentially, I'd walk to my room and walk right back.

I just headed up to a friend's room on another floor to hang there instead of going back to my own dorm. Then, he calls me and says that the dinner is for dormmates to bond, thus implies that I'm not invited. So he ditches me, again, though with somewhat of a reason.

I also planned this weekend to go out and visit some museums in the area. He said before when we were together that he'd take me to one of the area's sites that he likes, so I asked him if he could spare time this weekend to come with me. He said that we should invite other ppl. So I talk it through with him on friday, and he says flat out to me that he is not comfortable with going out with just me (he needs a wall of other ppl between us). i found that so weird, another clear example of how he was making things awkward for us. but the friend he was inviting wanted to visit a specific museum that I hadn't planned to hit this weekend. However, to compromise I agreed to go to that one. Since that was only going to be in the evening, I asked to go to another museum in the daytime. He was unwilling to go, since he said his friend wouldn't want to do that and thus he didn't want it to be just with me. However, he ultimately caved and we arranged to do that as well. we set up times and finalized the details.

Now I wake up on saturday morning and i got a text from him saying that he's supposed to go home and visit his family that day. He didn't even say that he couldn't go out with me, he just implied it with his text. and that was it. one text and suddenly my plans for the entire day were gone. I know that his family is really important to him, but he had just seen his family. He sees them at least 3 times a week it seems. I didn't understand at all why he absolutely needed to return home and why plans with other ppl didn't stand a chance next to impromptu trips home.

So I text him a couple of angry texts saying a short version of what I just ranted above. THen he gets mad at me, saying that I forced him to come with me. He apologizes for how the situation between us turned out. I ask him if he still wants to be friends, because he's always acting like spending time with me is painful. he says it'll be cool and then starts normal, fluff conversational texts with me.

I haven't talked to him since. I am trying really hard not to talk to him, because i want to see if its not me instigating the communication, if he'll actually ever try to reach me.

so my dilemma is this. I am still attracted to this guy, unfortunately. I had a great couple of days with him, but then he all of a sudden cuts it off. And now he's acting like I'm an irritant. So I'm confused. I actually don't understand how he can just drop me off and not have any qualms about it, especially considering how "strong" his feelings were for me in the first place. I'm angry too. I feel its been so rude to just ditch me on multiple occasions. He's always had a reason, but I don't think they were strong enough to justify doing it consecutively. But I guess the biggest part is that I miss what we had, however short that might have been. I just want to be close to him again, but it seems like he's trying to push me away. I was trying really hard to hold a friendship with him, but he doesn't respond at all. ultimately, I miss him as my boyfriend (i know it sounds so lame considering how short our relationship was), that's why I keep trying to hold on when I honestly think he's being a jerk to me now.

What's wrong with him? what's wrong with me? am i just crazy? or crazy stupid?

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Heather
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I do think this is a LOT of investment for something that lasted only a week long, and doesn't seem like it was all that awesome even in only a week, when we'd expect nothing BUT awesome, since it was so brand-shiny-new.

That given, I'm wondering if you think it's possible you're rebounding here. How much time did you take after your breakup from your 4-year-relationship? Did you give yourself enough time to grieve and adjust? Have you thought about if maybe at least some of the attachment to this guy or the possibility of this new relationship may be about being so used to being in a relationship, and kind of not knowing how to be outside of one?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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You are right; it is way too much investment for something that lasted such a short time. He insisted before that he wanted us to be friends, and I guess I'm trying to hold him to his word. However, I guess I'm just hurting myself because its obvious that this guy's priorities lie elsewhere.

One thing that haunts me with guilt (with good reason) is that I essentially dumped my old boyfriend to be with this guy; i thought we'd last a long time...yeah right. That makes me a huge jerk and I feel terrible about it, especially since this thing that we had between us turned out to be just a fling. I seemed to have completely misjudged this new guy and deeply hurt my ex, who I still care about deeply.

So I don't think I would necessarily call this a rebound but it is true that I am used to being in a relationship; in fact, for pretty much the entirety of high school I always had a boyfriend. I guess I should learn how to not be in one right about now, but its definitely a new thing for me. I'm a parasitic creature: i'm horribly needy and that's probably what scared him away.

I guess what I would like an answer to most is why he's acting so weird; but I'll have to just ask him myself, that is, if he ever bothers talking to me again.

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Heather
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I have a feeling that if you ended a four-year-relationship yu probably had WAY more reasons to do so than to be with this guy you had JUST met, right?

But am I also understanding that you also only ended your 4-year-LTR AFTER you met this guy? In other words, that you haven't even yet had the time to deal with the end of that other relationship, or to be outside of any relationships at all since your breakup?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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heather, I am a huge jerk, but essentially I dumped my wonderful, albeit not perfect boyfriend for the excitement of something new. I definitely deserved what I got. I'll just not contact this guy anymore unless he reaches out to me and move on with my life. Thanks for all your advice and help.
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Heather
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I don't mean to second-guess you, but I have a hard time believing that you left a TOTALLY PERFECT four-year relationship you were satisfied with just because you liked some new guy right away. No one is perfect, but even if your boyfriend was super-awesome, that doesn't mean you felt happy in the relationship or felt like you wanted to stay in it. For instance, if you have spent your whole high school life in a relationship, and in it with one person, despite changing a lot the way folks tend to do in those years, that alone is a common reason some folks express feeling like they need to move on in that kind of situation.

If you did earnestly just drop a relationship you had for that long that you really liked, felt satisfied with and wanted to be in, that's maybe something we should talk about, because it could potentially suggests some possible big issues with making choices or with something going on with your judgment or mental health (for instance, in a manic phase, someone bipolar might find themselves doing something like that), but... well, again, that just strikes me as pretty hard to swallow.

That said, if you only ended that long relationship once you started this, this is most likely big-time rebound city. You still need to process your breakup from the LTR, probably over at least a few months, before you could possibly expect yourself to make sound choices with new relationships, okay?

I'd strongly suggest you make sure you really give yourself time to be single, especially since you make clear that you feel like you just don't even know how to do that. That given, it's likely a lot of your feelings and the way you've managed this have been about fear, which is never a place that any of us makes our best choices from.

[ 09-13-2010, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Yeah, of course our relationship wasn't perfect, we definitely had our ups and downs. However, I think the bigger problem is me. I feel like I am obsessed with the chase. That's why I just threw away my relationship with my ex for something new. Even when I was with my ex, I would always look for other guys whereever i went. I can't seem to stay loyal in a committed relationship. Thankfully, I'm not a popular figure, so its not like any guys are looking at me. I'm a horrible person, with like no conscience. I don't make good or considerate decisions.
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Heather
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I'm actually running off for the day, but I didn't want to let this sit.

I am sure -- seriously, I'm positive -- that you are not a horrible person.

As I understand it, you were in a committed relationship for four years, spanning from when you were what -- 14 to 18? I don't hear you having been disloyal in any way.

It sounds to me like it's possible that you may have stayed in that relationship much longer than you wanted to, and maybe didn't even WANT an LTR during some of that time. It may be that going to college gave you a window of opportunity to separate from that relationship, which is does a lot of people.

Given you were in one relationship that whole time, I feel like the statement "I'm obsessed with the chase" is probably pushing it, don't you think? After all, unless it was an open relationship, I'm not sure where chasing would have even happened.

That really is a long time during those years of a person's life to be in one relationship. Being curious about others sexually, interpersonally, doesn't make anyone a bad person. It makes you curious.

I'm happy to talk more with you tomorrow, but I just didn't feel okay leaving you with being so hard on yourself here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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There were a couple of instances in high school where I would meet a guy and lead him on, consciously not telling him about my boyfriend. My ex knows about all of these -- in fact, in one instance my boyfriend got so jealous that he told the other guy off; the other guy never talked to me again.

I don't know what I want. I was happy with the relationship I had, but I guess I'm a hopeless romantic at heart, and the relationship i had was getting a little too real? I don't know, my boyfriend was my best friend for sure, we talked everyday, we were comfortable with PDA, we went out everywhere together. Like in high school, we were essentially operated as a complete duo; the first question on someone's lips when they see one of us alone is to ask where the other person is. I can't really justify the split with anything more than just that the thought of a new relationship was too tempting for me.

right now, I'm dying to talk to the guy who dumped me. I still don't understand at all how he one day tells me that he loves me (like 5 times in a row, with kisses to reaffirm it) and then breaks up a couple days later and never feels compelled to talk to me again. I just want to know where that attraction went. I was perfectly willing to take it down a couple notches and progress as a low-key relationship, but that wasn't enough for him obviously. My feelings still linger, especially with the way he cut it off.

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Heather
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I still find it pretty hard to talk about some of this the way you are because you're only talking about history with one relationship here, a relationship you started when you were so young, and stayed within throughout pretty much the total of your teen years.

In other words, since very, very few people stay in one relationship throughout all these years (since we've left Biblical times, anyway), I'm just not surprised that you felt the way you did, nor do I consider feeling restless in one relationship during those years unusual.

With this new guy, I think you have to understand that someone who says they love you right off the bat doesn't love you. You have to know someone, and know them well, to love them. We can SHOW love to people we barely know, treat them with love, and love them in a universal way (like, we love all people, we love the planet, etc.), but we can't really love them interpersonally. Do you get my drift?

That given, I'm also not surprised this came and went and flip-flopped like this, particularly with all of what went on in a week, from this guy's flippy-floppy to you having a breakup, etc.

I really think you need to let this go and give yourself some space and time without being focused on a relationship. I think that it would be wise to pay attention to the feelings of restlessness you had in your last relationship, and also think it would be wise to start to learn how to live outside a romantic relationship. If you don't know how to do that, it's just exceptionally hard to make good choices about relationships, or even know when they're what you really want or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mesopotamia
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Yeah, I totally agree that he didn't love me, now that I actually think about it. I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that I need to move on. Obviously he has, judging from the absence of any form of contact.

A few days ago, I began to regret dumping my ex, because I guess I missed being in a relationship. But I have come to terms with that decision as well. The more I think about it, the more I think that I was tethered to that relationship simply because of its familiarity.

So, I think I'm on my way! Thanks a lot for your advice!

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Heather
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Glad to be of help. I won't be around tomorrow, but if you need or want to talk more about any of this at another time this week, just give a shout. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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