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Author Topic: How should I deal with my unsupportive parents?
AponiKanti
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I'm 18 yrs old with an active sex life. I've only had this sexual relationship with my boyfriend of 11 months for a month and a half. We always use protection for everything, we don't do it in my parents' house and we have to sneak around my grandmother's because no one gives us a safe place to be alone and intimate, even if we're just hanging out. He's also been a close friend for going on four years.

My parents are devout Christians, which is fine, I share their faith, though I'm not as devout as they would like. Many reasons to that, mostly having to do with other humans and not God or my belief in Him. I didn't expect them to like it, I didn't expect them to be nice about it, but they're really grating on my nerves.

I was forced to tell them because they specifically brought up the conversation, with the intent to try and convince us that we were making the worst decisions and being completely irresponsible with it. My mother had my twin sister and I out of wedlock, when she was 21 and still in school like I am, and she just wants to prevent that, but still. My mother and stepfather basically turned my sister and i away from any desire to listen to them with how they spoke to us. They basically ridiculed the love, trust, and commitment that our relationships hold, saying things like "well if they're having sex with you, what makes you think you're the only ones?"

I happen to know my boyfriend is mentally and emotionally incapable of cheating, he's been rather viciously cheated on in three of his past relationships, with all three of those girls taking advantage of him in some way. He would never hurt me like that. I also happen to know that I love him and he loves me, regardless of whether my parents think I really understand what love is all about or not. I know we're committed to each other, my parents have really put our relationship through hellfire since we started dating and he hasn't left me yet. He insists that he's not going to let my parents chase him away. I'm well-inclined to believe him.

My parents don't believe he's committed to me, but simply taking advantage of me. They also think I'm being foolish to trust him, foolish for giving away my most precious gift that's supposed to be for my husband, and foolish for putting myself at the emotional and physical risk associated with sex. My stepdad also insulted me during this "family meeting" where these aforementioned things were said, saying that "besides the fact that i have a hard time believing that you two (referring to my sister and I) are their only ones, I can't make any assumptions about you two. For all I know, you two aren't having it with just one person, maybe you saw this other dude and was like, 'oh he's cute,' or maybe you thought maybe I'll get with this guy and drop the other one."

Basically insinuating that we were almost whore-like, since Christianity insists on monogamy. I firmly believe in monogamy as well, so the fact that he would say something like that really infuriates me. My parents insinuate with how they talk that they no longer have faith in what they taught me about good relationships. I feel as though they think that just because I let go of one aspect of how Christianity views sexuality I must've let go of all of it or that I'm just a foolish child treading in emotionally and spiritually dangerous waters with no clue of how to handle anything.

Then of course they had to pose a trap question. My stepdad leading the way, saying we should ask our boys to marry us, after all it only takes a marriage certificate, he'd even pay for them. If they're really that committed to us and are willing to have sex with us, then they should be willing to marry us. They are willing to marry us, but my stepdad asked that question for no other reason than to take their answers to prove his point.

Of course they said no, my boyfriend absolutely cannot mess up in school, if he messes up he has no second chance since his mother spent her money putting his brother into three schools only for him to repeatedly screw up. That and he wants to be able to take care of me, he doesn't feel he can do that if he can't even move out of his mother's house yet. My parents did exactly what I expected, ridiculed his answer. My stepdad said he needs to stop playing house. He said something else but I stopped listening and walked out the door since I was leaving anyway. My mother even said that plenty of people our age are married and go to school at the same time, but I know for a fact that if my boyfriend and I had suggested such a thing my parents would've gone berserk.

As you can see it's very difficult to talk to my parents. My mother even gets upset with how much I talk to my boyfriend over text, im, and calls; saying that I'm becoming "consumed" with him. Of course, if we got more quality time together we wouldn't talk as much, after all, just by observing my own parents and a lot of other married couples I know, they save all the talking for when they're home since they live together and see each other every day. She thinks we see each other too much, but we actually don't, she just only ever needs to call me when I'm going to see him. She's given me a hard time about my relationship with him for a while, insisting that it's my "obsession" with him that will end up getting me sent to hell since I'm not "focused enough" on God and I haven't been baptized yet.

It really has more to do with the fact that my mother and several people in my church, with their caustic and/or infuriating statements that is making me avoid the topic of my baptism and becoming a full-fledged Christian. These comments are well meant statements, with the goal of trying to protect me, but still, I'm sure you can see how this would keep me from wanting to have much to do with the topic. We're not going to go into that topic too much, but I'm sure you can understand why I have a hard time talking to my parents. With their strong beliefs, lack of faith that I can have the deep meaningful relationship that adults get married for, and the insinuation that I must be foolish to think I can have sex outside of wedlock in a beautiful, meaningful, relationship worthy of the trust and vulnerability that usually leads to marriage anyway, makes it impossible to assert myself.

I want my parents to know that I am a young lady, with a real relationship that is genuine, means something, has deep emotions and beautifully blossoming love at it's core. I want them to know that I have a right to my sexuality, that even if they don't like my choice, they don't have to be so obviously aggressive and oppositional towards it. They don't have to say or insinuate that I'm foolish or that my relationship means nothing. I stopped talking to certain people in my church because they insisted so much that my boyfriend probably wasn't who God wants me to be with, that he's so much in the way of my relationship with God and the potential blessings, that those ideas are in my head. I hate thinking such things because I know he loves me with all his heart and I love him.

My mother has outright told me things like "you're almost idolizing him. You know God can and will remove something from your life that's in His place, permanently. I hope he's worth going to hell, I hope he's worth your soul." like, that is so unnecessary. I have no idea how to assert my right to life and defend myself against them when I know all they'll do is get angry, blow me off and downplay what I say, or both. Like I need my mom thinking I'm being disrespectful and getting furious. When she's upset she doesn't say very nice things, often saying more than necessary to get her point across and it usually isn't nice or encouraging.

Just, I need someone to talk to about this because it's really wedging apart my relationship with my mother. As far as my stepdad goes, he's always saying something that has these disrespectful, dismissive, and/or arrogant undertones. He's outright told me or my boyfriend that he doesn't trust me, doesn't believe in me, or thinks I'm doing something stupid. We rarely get along. My biological father is much more open about the whole subject. He would prefer I not be having sex, but to him it's still my choice. I'm 18. He only insists that I use protection, respect myself and make sure my boyfriend and any boy respects me. And he asks that I try my best to deal with my mother.

I'm just so frustrated, it's really annoying. I desire an intimate relationship with my boyfriend. All I want is to be able to see him freely and have someplace where we can have some privacy, even if we're not necessarily having sex. The best place for that is his dorm, which he just moved back into, but my mother doesn't want me up there, for obvious reasons. However, i don't feel like dealing with the stress of sneaking or the potential backlash of insisting on my privacy and alone time. To be honest my father wouldn't really like it either, but I could at least negotiate with him. He can stay reasonable without getting upset. Part of the reason my mother and I have a hard time is because we're both highly emotional and stubborn, with disagreeing interests. We could have a calm convo if my father was here, but he currently lives in Florida.

Bah, I just needed to rant, no one has to respond to this.

[ 08-23-2010, 02:59 AM: Message edited by: AponiKanti ]

Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Johann7
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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation; it doesn't sound like there are any easy solutions. Nothing you're asking for sounds unreasonable to me: agency and self-determination with respect to your relationships with people, how you understand your religion and worship, how you spend your free time, and what you do with your own body. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem likely that you're going to simply win an argument and have your parents change their minds. They're arguing from a position of foregone conclusions without any consideration of what you, or perhaps even they, think is best. It always astounds me when people believe that God created us and gave us free will but expects us to not use our free will and judgment.

(Full disclosure: I'm an atheist of a variety that might be called Secular Humanism. It is not my intent to dissuade you from your faith, or even your parents from theirs. I'm going to minimize my discussion of theology, but given that your post and situation are heavily involved with both your beliefs and your parents', I will have to delve into it a little. Because you're approaching things from a Christian perspective, I will do the same; any statements I make regarding theological/spiritual matters will draw on extant Christian doctrines. Of course, I encourage you to make your own determinations, so I want you to be aware of my own theological perspective when reading my advice. Take it for what you will.)

Anyway, your parents are being unreasonable and attempting to force values onto you that you, an adult, do not agree with. There's not going to be a quick solution, and you have no way of directly changing their behavior any more than they can change yours. So let's look at your options from here forward. Your situation is actually very similar to what gay kids face when they come out to fundamentalist parents (you're both being judged badly/told you're going to hell/etc. because of your sexualities), so you might want to check out resources aimed at gay teens living in socially-conservative households, as you may find the advice useful for you as well.

First off, I would recommend that you stop having this discussion/debate/argument/fight. Completely. Don't stop talking to your parents, but if they bring the subject up, say something like, "We've talked about this a lot; I'm not going to change my opinion and neither are you. We just wind up fighting and don't get anywhere. I love you, and I know you love me and you're trying to protect me, but the fighting isn't doing anyone any good, and I'm not going to do this anymore." And then walk out of the room: don't let them bait you, don't respond to anything they say, don't get dragged into a fight, just walk away.

That won't be easy, of course, and they WILL try to drag you into a fight, but you absolutely need to not respond. The only thing they have to lose is their relationship with you, and they're trying damn hard to destroy it. You need to make it clear, through your actions, that this is exactly what they're doing. You also need to acknowledge, if you haven't already, that what your parents are doing is emotional abuse: repeatedly implying that you or your boyfriend are untrustworthy as sexual/romantic partners because you like sex (i.e. that you're both cheating on each other because you're having sex) and saying that your going to hell for disagreeing with a few tenets of their religious faith is abusive. As much as it hurts to have your relationship with parents ruined like this, you'll be better off if you stop indulging them. You're giving them what they want when you fight with them; they won't change their behavior until they stop getting what they want.

Second, move out. Again, not easy, and I don't mean you should simply pick up and go tomorrow, but start taking stock of the steps you need to take to become financially independent, and start taking them. See what studio apartments cost in different areas (or dorms, if you're at a college/university; you say you're 18 and in school, so I'm not sure if you're in high school or college). Plan out a food budget. Look for jobs that you can work around your school schedule (obviously this is going to be harder today than it was 10 years ago, but there's some stuff out there), and try to find one that will let you afford housing and food.

Look to your family for support. Obviously you don't want to move in with your biological dad, as he's not in the area, but might he be able/willing to give you some financial assistance if you move out? Are there any aunts, uncles, older cousins, or grandparents in the area who might be able to give you a temporary place to stay or financial assistance until you can find a job? You said your sister is getting the same sort of treatment; does she still live with you and your parents? Might she be looking to move out? If you get along with her, she might make a good roommate, allowing you to reduce your living costs and still avoid the sort of pressure that moving in with an older relative might cause. You might also look to your church for help. You've said that your parents and at least a few of your fellow parishioners are pretty conservative in their interpretations of Christianity: how about your priest/pastor/preacher? Might s/he be able to mediate a discussion, perhaps reminding your parents that loving and supporting family is a virtue and that Christianity offers forgiveness (so even if you ARE making a mistake, you're not going straight to hell) in a way that they'll listen? Are there other members of your congregation who can help you find a job or a cheap place to stay?

Finally, until you're ready to move out, you may want to scale things back with the boyfriend - not entirely, but enough that your parents have fewer excuses to pick a fight. You ARE dependent on them, and so you're going to need to try to minimize conflict until that's no longer the case. You don't say that they're threatening to kick you out, so that may not be a danger, but if it is, you don't want to be kicked out until you have a support system in place. I'm not saying stop seeing him or even stop having sex with him, but keep it to an hour or two a day, and not every single day. Relationships can be exciting and a bit consuming, particularly when there's something new (as with sex for you guys). For all I know, you ARE obsessing over him a bit (though it's okay if you are; you're allowed to be a LITTLE irrational). It's healthy to keep a bit of personal space. Of course, there's really nothing wrong with chatting with someone for an hour or two every day, just as long as it's perfectly okay if it doesn't necessarily happen EVERY day. You do want to make sure that you're not completely neglecting other areas of your life. Romantic relationships are important, very important to many people, but they're also not all there is. Despite the fact that you're clearly exasperated and upset, you sound like you've got your head on straight, so I'm not getting the sense that you're being unhealthily obsessive, but I always want to be sure I properly qualify my advice. :-)

Who knows, your parents may back off a bit once they become more used to the idea of you having sex; you started a month and a half ago, and I get the sense that they found out really recently. That can be a big change for parents in how they see and relate to their children (devoutly religious or not), and they may just need some time to adapt. Again, I'm not saying you should move out tomorrow; I just think you should be ready to do so if things aren't any better six months or a year from now.

That's it for my advice; I'm going to directly respond to a few things you said.

quote:
Then of course they had to pose a trap question. My stepdad leading the way, saying we should ask our boys to marry us, after all it only takes a marriage certificate, he'd even pay for them. If they're really that committed to us and are willing to have sex with us, then they should be willing to marry us. They are willing to marry us, but my stepdad asked that question for no other reason than to take their answers to prove his point.

Of course they said no, my boyfriend absolutely cannot mess up in school, if he messes up he has no second chance since his mother spent her money putting his brother into three schools only for him to repeatedly screw up. That and he wants to be able to take care of me, he doesn't feel he can do that if he can't even move out of his mother's house yet. My parents did exactly what I expected, ridiculed his answer. My stepdad said he needs to stop playing house. He said something else but I stopped listening and walked out the door since I was leaving anyway. My mother even said that plenty of people our age are married and go to school at the same time, but I know for a fact that if my boyfriend and I had suggested such a thing my parents would've gone berserk.

Getting married because someone else thinks you should is not a good plan. Your mother is quite right that people your age (in school or not) get married; most of them get divorced by age 30. (Civil) Marriage creates all sorts of legal and financial entanglements and dependencies; these aren't necessarily good or bad, but they are not something to be entered into lightly. The spiritual side varies more between individuals, but to be as flippant about it as your stepfather seems pretty cynical and disrespectful to the institution (particularly if you're simultaneously claiming that same-sex marriage will somehow destroy the sanctity of marriage, but I digress). At the very least, a long period of cohabitation is in order before marriage (if you're planning on living with your spouse): just because you love and get along well with someone doesn't mean living together is going to work. I've lived with a number of friends of 10+ years, and some of those situations were disastrous. There's just no way to tell without trying it. I also think a period of sexual activity is important if you're going to be sexually exclusive in your marriage, as sexual comparability is important for two people who will only be having sex with each other. You seem to be taking a reasonable, responsible, measured approach to your relationship; I wish your parents were able to see that (and perhaps they will with time).

quote:
I want my parents to know that I am a young lady, with a real relationship that is genuine, means something, has deep emotions and beautifully blossoming love at it's core. I want them to know that I have a right to my sexuality, that even if they don't like my choice, they don't have to be so obviously aggressive and oppositional towards it. They don't have to say or insinuate that I'm foolish or that my relationship means nothing. I stopped talking to certain people in my church because they insisted so much that my boyfriend probably wasn't who God wants me to be with, that he's so much in the way of my relationship with God and the potential blessings, that those ideas are in my head. I hate thinking such things because I know he loves me with all his heart and I love him.
Anyone claiming to definitively know what God wants is being unforgivably arrogant. The truly humble person in the Christian tradition knows that they might be wrong; humans are fallible, so one might have the wrong interpretation of God's will, which is why God forgives people. You're right to ignore these people: they're taking what THEY think and claiming that it's what God thinks. All anyone, God included, can reasonably expect from you is that you make an honest appraisal of what's true and what's best for you and others and act accordingly. Just because you love your boyfriend doesn't mean you love God any less, and vice versa. In fact, there are plenty of Christian theological writings that claim ALL love comes from God, so the love you have for your boyfriend and your family is all a manifestation of the divine, and it would be bad for you to not pursue it. Again, these are all different interpretations, and you have to make your determinations about what's right and what isn't: that's what free will is for. What it comes down to is whether YOU truly think you're acting in a way that God would disapprove. No one knows your particular situation better than you do, so no one's view of whether it's right in the eyes of God is going to be better than yours (and even if it was, no one can FORCE you to believe or not believe something, so it's ultimately up to you anyway).

I hope this helps. I know how difficult ideological conflicts with family can be, especially when someone is trying to force someone else to behave in a way s/he doesn't agree with. Best wishes.

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Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
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Thank you very much for responding so thoroughly Johann. I also appreciate your "disclaimer" about your particular view of faith and how it would relate to the advice. That's very respectful, so I dig it. To respond to your post in a linear way, first, you said it right when you said that would be hard to just ignore them and state that the fighting needs to stop. I'm an emotional person myself, I tend to be reactive rather than proactive, and I'm sure they will try and drag it out. I am in college, second year actually (I started school early lol) but I don't have the money to live on campus. I've been searching for a job for a year now, still no luck. As far as relatives go, I currently spend the majority of my time at my grandmother's house. I don't really want to fully move in, besides that would just make my mother suspicious. As far as other relatives go, I'm not too close with the others who live in my city, and the rest of my family also lives out of state. My father can't really offer any financial assistance, my twin sister and I aren't his only children and we're the oldest, so he's got to put up money for the younger ones first.

My sister was actually the one who started getting the problems with my parents first. She's been active for 10 months, they've known about it for five, so I can't say that they didn't expect it from me or that they haven't had time to adapt to her. I don't know if she's looking to move out, but I have a couple friends who would be willing to be roommates as soon as I can get my hands on a steady job.

As far as getting help from church goes, I think that's a viable option, I'm just not sure who would be good to talk to. I know that whoever I talk to will express dislike of my choice, though I know there are some people who would be nice about it. I don't know if I really want them to mediate though, I can't make a good judgment about how that would turn out. There are too many variables and possibilities of response. At the very least they'd ask why I decided to have sex, and try to convince me to stop. No one is really going to accept my explanations, they'll either say something about marriage or somehow downplay it. I'm sure there are people I could ask for help in finding a job though.

About scaling back with my boyfriend, there isn't too much to scale back. We really don't see each other that often, maybe three or four times a week. We do talk often, texting mostly and on the computer. As far as sex goes, we're lucky if we can plan it even once for a given week. Just genuine alone time is also rare, we have to sneak that too since we're not allowed in the house without an adult home. He now has a job and school just started for him so I'm going to see him even less. Once school starts for me the main way we'll have any contact is through our electronics, not actual visiting. I don't feel I'm being obsessive, "healthily" or otherwise. I still take plenty of time to talk to and hang out with other people and to do other things. For instance, it's not unusual for me to get off the phone so he can play his video games or go play tennis. I like video games, but I don't play too often and I'm not athletic. He's also gotten off the phone to let me read, that's something I take great pleasure in that he isn't a huge fan of. Like my interest in video games, he does like reading, just not that much. My boyfriend also takes great stock in education, both his own and mine. That's the main reason I'm going back to school, he believes in me and would like me to finish. I've lost interest in school, for a variety of reasons, but that's a little off topic.

I agree with you that getting married to please someone outside of the relationship is bad. It infuriates me how they handled that every time i think of it. It was just really unnecessary and done for no other reason than to try and add fuel to their side of the argument. The reasons for no are completely reasonable and hardly imply a lack of love and commitment, and quite frankly I'd have said no to him even if he had agreed with my parent's plan. He's in school, I'm in school, he only just got a job and neither of us have a place to live. It's a foolish decision to get married with nothing while everything is at stake, all for what to get my parents to shut up? which they wouldn't have anyway, then they'd point out all the problems with the yes. It's a circle of epic fail. No matter how I would explain my reasoning, my love for him, or his love for me, they'd never accept it anyway. After all, you can see how an answer of "i can't take care of her yet" would be a reasonable and responsible answer, but it's just seen as an excuse to avoid commitment in my parents eyes. And trust me, this isn't the first time my stepfather has said something so irritating, insulting, and ridiculous to me, not necessarily about this subject.

Anyway, thanks bunches for the advice and ideas. I'll work on ways that I can get a mediator to have a calm discussion with my parents so that we can get this settled as reasonably as possible and try harder to get a job.

Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
aloneteen2012
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hi my name is nadia. um i would like to say that your life is my life. granted i'm 16 years old but still i'm going through the exact same thing you're going through. it almost makes me wanna cry because i thought that i was the only one going through this. plus i'm the oldest child so my mom and step dad don't know how to deal with these situations. my boyfriend and i are planning to have sex (i know it seems a little soon but we are in so much love and we've been dating for a long time.) and ever since we've planned this my parents have been blunt hard asses on him and myself. and talking to my parents about sex pretty much just turns into huge amounts of arguement and anger. or even talking about my boyfriend it's the same way. they just get angry and don't want to talk about it and change the subject. finally i asked them why they were so blunt and rude about my relationship with him and my step dad just said to me "it's becuase i'm so over protective of you and i don't want to see you get hurt....blah blah blah." but really all i hear is "i don't trust you i don't trust you i don't trust you" i can't ever get happiness out of them or the family since i was in the relationship with him. and he's even starting to get so sad because my mom won't ever let me leave the house to go and see him for a couple of hours!! and i can drive myself now but she still says no to me. before she would just say no because she would have to drive me everywhere but now she doesn't have to and she still says no!! and he and i go to different schools so its so much harder to see eachother and my parents just dont let me see him!!! so they pretty much ruin our relatiopnship. i think u and i need to talk more about this situation like in private bc i don't know how to deal with this either. if u do want to contact me just tell me

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We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.

If you want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy

Posts: 1 | From: somewhere, minnesota | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AponiKanti
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hey, nadia, I would love to talk with you more. I'm sorry it took two days for me to see your response, i forgot I didn't have this thread set up to notify me of new posts. Go ahead and private message me, we can talk plenty there ok? My name is Rachael, that way we both have names
Posts: 95 | From: Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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(Private messages are disallowed to protect user safety. But you can continue talking here!)

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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AponiKanti
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oh lol thank you for telling me. well I guess we'll be talking here then.

see, I totally understand you. There's no easy way to approach the subject of sex, because (once my mom calmed down) she told me that if I had any questions, to ask her. About anything related to sex and relationships, not just about preventing pregnancy, but it's like, i know that she really does not want me to ask. She would rather I just stop and it go away, for my hormones and emotions to "settle down" as though that's going to magically make me not desire sex until I'm married. Or maybe she wants me to go back to being the innocent naive child who was all right with doing what she wanted rather than trying to have my own life, whether she agrees with it or not. I do have questions, but I highly doubt she'd want to hear those questions much less answer them.

My boyfriend also goes to a different school, we're both in college, so she doesn't want me visiting him on his campus. I don't live on campus and he's not allowed in the house without adult supervision (we can't even be upstairs at the same time for too long). My mom is so uptight and insecure about our relationship and my growing up (imagine that, insecure because I'm growing up, insecure for herself, because I'm doing something natural! that she expects from me no less -_- and insecure for herself about my relationship) that she doesn't want me to kiss him in front of her. Of course, with him on campus at his school and me living at home and attending another school, we can't make a lot of legit time to be together, especially since he works too. I have to sneak up there to his campus to see him and I know my mother would lose her mind if she knew. The main way to shut the craziness down is to move out (and in my case move out and get married). Obviously that isn't an option for either of us, not right now at least.

Perhaps the best bet we have is to continue to seek advice from people and try to communicate with our parents and have people to vent to. Something my boyfriend said to me, "this is not your fault. Your mom is the one with the problem, not you. You've been trying and are still trying so hard to please her and make her happy with you, but she's being unreasonable. Her requests themselves aren't unreasonable, but how she's going about it is pushing you away and that's her fault. For some reason she's trying really hard to break up your relationship with her, maybe not on purpose, maybe not consciously, but she's doing it. You have to stop trying to please her and focus on you. You have to finish school first and then you can get on with your life. Maybe she'll calm down eventually, but you're just driving yourself into depression with this."

I'll admit probably only half of that is verbatim (word for word), but that's the gist of it. And it's true, we are trying hard to please them, our parents, but we're also trying to create our own lives separate from them, and obviously they don't like it or how we're doing it. But that's their problem, although they have the capability to make us miserable. Now if only I could get my brain to take what I'm saying and apply it >.> as you can see I understand this very well intellectually, but I'm a highly emotional person, intellect doesn't always act first, especially when I have a strong emotional investment in a situation. Also, Johann7's advice to me is probably at least a little relevant to you as well, perhaps you could read that too if you haven't already.

and btw, I don't think 16 is too young. I think there's a difference in maturity between 16 and 18 that could play a big or a small part in your relationship, but it sounds like your current relationship is probably mature. As long as you're mature enough to take responsibility of yourself and your partner, to be respectful of each other and yourselves, to make every effort to find safe sex practices that are useful and work for you and have a full understanding and comprehension of possible consequences, then you're probably old enough for sex. If the two of you are able to do all that, especially understanding the implications and complications that will show up if you were to get pregnant as well as the maturity to deal with all that's necessary to take care of such a consequence, then you'd be fine. For instance, if you were to get pregnant you'd have several choices: abort, keep, or adopt. Then, you'd have to consider the implications of each, both positives and negatives, deal with parents of course (I can imagine that would be dreadful for both of us, but probably in different ways) and go from there. If you keep the baby, you'd have to take care of it. That's so much responsibility it's crazy. You have to be prepared to deal with all that stuff, safe sex, consequences, caring for yourself, caring for your boyfriend, and he has to consider those things too.

Also, as a sufferer of depression (with a mother in denial, but that's partly my fault because I don't iterate all of what's going in my head, though who can be sure if she'd still be in denial or not, probably would be, she keeps telling me parts of how I'm feeling are just due to my age, like, no, i do have normal friends, they don't think like this. the friends i have who are formally diagnosed with problems think like this) I can say it's wise to never think you're alone, because you never are. Six and a half billion people on this planet, you're bound to find someone who understands your suffering, I believe God leaves no one to suffer alone, because He doesn't want us to suffer. It's just between ourselves and all the other imperfect humans in our lives we make ourselves suffer with our free will. Feel free to ask me anything ok?

[ 09-15-2010, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: AponiKanti ]

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