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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Here's what's wrong with my relationship:

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Author Topic: Here's what's wrong with my relationship:
Natalie H
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-I've been on and off with him for three years now for various reasons, but he is still the only real serious relationship I've ever had
-We really have NOTHING in common. I'm a liberal, artsy, book smart bisexual, he's a conservative, overly aggressive, shooting gamer.
-The only things we do have in common is our sex drives and sense of humor.
-He's been in love with me pretty much since we met and we never had a period where we would successfully be 'just friends'.
-He is absolutely crazy about sex, like he wants to be doing sexual things about 80% of the time we're together.
-Aside from being crazy about it, he puts his boner before everything else. He asks me again and again to do stuff with him if I don't feel like it, until it gets to the point that I'll just do it to make him shut up.
-We don't share a lot of fundamental beliefs and values. Things that are really important to me (gay civil rights for example) are completely unimportant to him (he actually started saying some pretty ignorant things about gays the other day, I was so mad I couldn't even see straight).
-We fight all the time, and almost every single fight comes down to the fact that he has insecurity issues. We've talked about it tons of times, and since I've done everything I can do to try and help him, we both agree that it's up to him to deal with these problems but he never seems to ever actually get around to DEALING WITH THEM.
-I really can't put my finger on why we work as a couple. I guess because we really don't, we've broken up countless times because of that.

So I'm wondering; is this healthy? Is this a good relationship for me to stay in?
I really don't think there's any saving it, and I've recently told him he has two months to try and fix things the way he's been saying he would for years, or I'm leaving.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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You know, the difficult thing in all of this is ultimately when it comes down to it, the only one that can make a decision about what is and is not right/healthy is you. Often I hate when people answer a question with a question, but I will spare that smack to myself and ask you this, take yourself out of the here and now and put yourself in an outsider's shoes. If someone had come to you with that same list, you knew everything you do about your own relationship, what type of advice would you offer them? Would you say it was healthy, or would you let the person know that they DESERVE to be happy in any relationship and should never stop for less than happiness? How about finding a good time to talk with your bf?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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Ok, well here, to be fair, here's what's right with this relationship:
-He knows me better than anyone else in the world. He knows exactly who I am and still accepts me and loves me. (Maybe that's not enough tho, maybe just because someone loves me isn't enough of a reason to love him back?)
-He's the only person I've ever allowed myself to get close to and open myself up to, and I know he would never hurt me. (I feel like shit for that because I've hurt him countless times and will probably hurt him again.)
-He's very comforting and supportive when I need him to be (the problem is tho that he needs ME to be comforting and supportive ALL THE TIME)
-We have amazing chemistry, he's the Buzz to my Woody. When things are good they're GREAT. (However when things are bad they are DISASTROUS.)

I suppose the fact that I keep feeling the need to add on that what I've listed isn't really that great should tell you something. Maybe I already see this relationship as over?

I took and hour away from my computer then reread what I listed about what's wrong in my relationship. And if I had a friend telling me all this I'd tell her to leave him in a heartbeat, she deserves better. But when I remember it's ME, I dunno. I feel like I shouldn't ask for more. Someone loves me, someone is willing to stick with me through thick and thin. A lot of people don't get that in life. Why am I bitching about having it? So what if he isn't perfect, neither am I, no one is. But then I think, well maybe I could find better. It's pretty frustrating because he's my one and only serious relationship, so I don't really have much perspective.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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If knowing all that you know about this, you would give the advice to someone else that you see a lot more not working than is (and that even the good things have stipulations says it's this but... should be an indication to you as well.) From an outside standpoint, it really seems like more of a friendship that a relationship. For instance, friends can support, love, and not hurt someone, but it doesn't mean it's the same as a relationship.

I want you to consider something also - you're stating not only being uncomfortable with this relationship, but that your current partner isn't what you consider to be a good match for you as a basal level.

I'm going to say something that a best friend told me years ago - "I see what you're describing here as being an attachment to an old shoe. Mind I'm not saying he looks or smells like an old shoe. I'm simply saying don't be afraid to get rid of a shoe that's falling apart because you find it comfortable - you may have to try on a few different pairs, you may find some that are just not right along the way. But eventually you'll find a perfect pair, that makes you SO happy all the time. Don't settle for being comfortable, find what you WANT even if it seems a little scary."

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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Well I talked to him this morning. I couldn't go into all the things I want to tell him about, but I told him we need to stop looking so far ahead into the future. We need to focus on making things work RIGHT NOW, not investing so many plans into a relationship that is still pretty rocky. I'm pretty sure you can both agree that that can lead to unhappy marriages. He's pretty upset, he feels like I'm backing down from something I was sure I wanted to do, like my feelings for him have completely changed. To me it doesn't feel like anything's changed though. He feels like I don't love him anymore, but I DO. I think I do anyway. Is it possible to love someone but still not be sure if you want to be with them?
You know what, if this does end I don't think there'll honestly be any communicating. He wont be listening anyway. I think the more I say the harder it'll be for him in the end, like suddenly all these curtains will come down and seem like I'll be twisting the knife.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, to him it's going to feel like your feelings have changed if you haven't been filling him in as your feelings have been changing. But one can't unring a bell, so there's no sense on dwelling on that too much.

By all means, loving someone not only doesn't mean that being with them is always right for us, it doesn't mean being with them in a certain kind of relationship is. I love my two best friends like nobody's business, but that doesn't mean being in a sexual or romantic relationship would be right with them because I don't have those kinds of feelings for them, nor do I want to be with them in that way, even though I love them.

I'm glad you were able to at least open the door and start talking. Ideally, you'll be able to get to the point where you can be really honest about a big part of WHY you don't want to be looking so far into the future, that this isn't just about changes you want to have him make, but about ways you feel he has no power to change.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Natalie H
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The main reason I wanna end it with him is I don't think this relationship is gonna get any better. How can I tell him 'you aren't gonna change so I need to leave you'? All he'll say is 'no, no, I will, give me a chance'. I've given him SO MANY chances, but a part of me still feels like he deserves one more shot, then another, then another. Really, he isn't, and I should be able to see that.
As his first love, maybe he needs room to grow. Maybe leaving him really will make him stronger and he can get through his issues on his own, then be ready to start a new relationship. Either that, or it'll completely ruin him and he'll never let himself get close to anyone again. It's a gamble with him which way it'll go.

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

Posts: 118 | From: Houston | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can we maybe stick to just one of your threads? Because this, here, is only a part of the picture, and I feel a bit odd about having this presented as JUST being about HIS needing to change when you first came here and first posted about the central issue being that you ideally wanted to be with someone of a different gender/sex than he is, something he can't change.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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