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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Too soon for sex?

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Author Topic: Too soon for sex?
Member # 46935

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To start off with, I have grown up with a religious background. Sex is something I am waiting for until I am married. Up until this year, my best friend has been a Christian for years. I feel like she has skewed views on sex, and it's difficult for me to try to set my opinions apart from our discussion on sex.

She has been seeing this guy for about a month now, and has made their relationship official 4 days ago. A few nights ago, she had sex with him.

I feel like she is rushing into things with him. I've accepted that she no longer wants to wait until she is married to have sex, but I still feel that after seeing a guy for 1 month and then having sex with him is too soon.

She said that she feels like sex isn't really an important thing; it's just something you do. She also thinks that you don't have to be in love to have sex.

I feel like she is going to just be putting herself out there to easily. I'm afraid she'll be taken advantage of at some point, or maybe even have to face the consequences of sex.

Even though she said she feels ready for sex, I feel like she is a bit immature, especially since she doesn't think it's a big deal to have sex. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that having sex with a guy after 1 month is too soon? How can I talk to her about this? She just got upset today when I talked to her about it. She said that we have different views on sex, so I wouldn't understand. :/

Posts: 32 | From: Santa Monica, CA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46095

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Unfortunately for you, it's not your choice whether she has sex or not.

Some people don't think love need be present, some do. Your friend is of the former sort.

While I personally wouldn't have sex within the first month of dating someone, I have friends who would and do have sex very early on in the relationship. It's a personal choice that comes from our beliefs and morals and each individual relationship.

If you're really, honestly worried about her, why don't you have her go through this checklist and see if she's ready?

In all honesty, unless the relationship is abusive and the sex is coerced, your friend choosing to have sex early in a relationship is healthy enough... as long as SHE thinks she wants to be having sex and she is taking appropriate steps to lower her risks of STIs and pregnancy.

If you're uncomfortable with that idea, I'd just suggest asking her to not share her sexual adventures with you.

Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

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You know, given that you have such different feelings on this, I really do not encourage you to talk to her about how you disapprove of her having sex.

It'd be fine to send her links here, such as the checklist, but really, trying to shame her for a decision she's already made and seems to feel fine about isn't something a good friend should do. Sex isn't a big deal to everyone, and it doesn't have to be. Just because it is for you doesn't mean that it is for her.

She's right that the two of you just have very different attitudes. You may want to simply come to an agreement to not talk about sex so that this doesn't come between the two of you.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If you want some more input on this, happy to give it. But figured I'd ask first sine you've got some already. [Smile]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46935

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Atm1, to be clear, I was not shaming her for her decision; I'm just concerned for her because her view on sex has changed drastically in such a short amount of time--less than 4 months.

Sure, Heather, I would love more input. I don't understand how sex can be dismissed as something that is not of great significance.

Posts: 32 | From: Santa Monica, CA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46935

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I mean, if everyone treated sex as if it isn't a big deal, then why bother considering safe sex--screening for STD's, birth control, etc. After all, sex isn't a big deal.
Posts: 32 | From: Santa Monica, CA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Well, there is a difference between not considering sex a big deal, and not considering your own and your partners health a big deal. The two don't necessarily need to be connected.

Ideally, everyone who engages in partnered sex is invested in making sure that the sex that happens is as safe as possible: using barriers like condoms or dental dams for all contact, getting regular STI screens, being honest with partners about sexual history, etc.

And unfortunately, there's a lot of people who don't do that, regardless of how often and with how many partners they have sex.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 48555

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I have a friend who is the same way. At one time, he said he wanted to wait until marriage, but now he has the same scewed view as your friend. He's really big into casual sex. You're right that your friend is being irresponsible, but I think she might have to learn that on her own.
If she asks your opinion, be blunt and tell her the truth. Also, let her know every now and again that you worry about her. But really it's her life and there isn't much you can do unless she comes to you first. I'm sure she'll learn from her mistakes. Maybe not today or tommorow, maybe not for a few years, but the time will come.

Posts: 11 | From: Richmond | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 41699

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Hey Vickie, I'd just like to point out that not everyone who has "casual" relationships/sex outside of romantic or monogamous relationships considers it to be a mistake. There is no one relationship model that suits everyone, and that is totally fine. For some people, casual sex is a very positive thing for them that suits their wants and needs very well. So with that in mind, we shouldn't make assumptions or claims about other people we don't even know, and we shouldn't expect other people to think/feel/be exactly the same way as us [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

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Vickie, she didn't mention whether he friend used protection or not... I think if she did she's not being "irresponsible".

I also don't even think she's having "casual sex", she IS in a relationship with the guy. The only time I've waited longer than a month is with the first guy I slept with, after that I tended to have sex at about 3-5 dates. I've never felt any of it was a mistake.

Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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