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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How do you break up with someone you still love?

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Author Topic: How do you break up with someone you still love?
Love to love
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This is so hard for me to even say I want to break up with him. I love my boyfriend so much, but lately things haven't been so well. I've been really upset that he just doesn't treat me right. Well one night we got into a fight about it while he was really drunk. Well at the end of the fight he said we were done. I was so upset about it, I wanted him back so bad. Well the next day he didn't remember it at all and we got back together. I was still really hurting, but I loved him and wanted to make it work. But I know deep down he doesn't treat me right, he doesn't try to make me happy like he did, he doesn't say sweet things and were always fighting.

I gave him my everything, and in the beginning he gave me his. But things changed after I did everything for him, and I did things just to make him happy. And yet it wasn't ever enough. He didn't try to do anything special for me, or even go out of his way to make things better between us.

When we fight I say how I feel, and he just yells and cusses, then I forgive him and say sorry and then he acts like nothing happened and were back together. Or sometimes he doesn't even say anything when I'm upset and telling him about my feelings, then the next day he acts like nothing ever happened.

I just don't know what to do, I know I deserve better, and I know people out there will treat me better. I have a constant reminder everyday from my friend how much he likes me and how much better he could treat me. I'm also gaining a little crush on him. Its not fair to my boyfriend for me to have someone tell me how beautiful and amazing I am, its not fair to my friend because I'm still with my boyfriend, and its not fair to me because I don't know what to feel, or think. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and when my boyfriend was gone for a week, I realized how much happier I am without all our relationship drama.

sorry I'm rambling, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to end things, but things are so much smoother when I'm not worrying about a boyfriend. :/

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desmadroza10
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I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I know how it feels to be in the same place that you are in now, but you have to think about YOURSELF and not him. If you know that he isn't reating you right (which from what I am reading he isn't) then you need to get out of that relationship. Yes it will hurt because you love him, but at the same time you have to think about your sanity and your well being. If he treats you like that now, think about how is going to be further down the road? You are going to be even more unhappy and you will regret not leaving sooner.

And you're right, you will find someone that will treat you better and love you for who you are. Someone that will take your feelings into consideration and communicated well with you.

I hope that my advise helps you and I wish you good luck.

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Heather
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I hear you being very clear on what you strongly suspect will be best for you, and I'd suggest you trust yourself.

Loving someone doesn't mean any one ind of relationship, or a relationship at a given time, is what we or the other person needs or is the right choice. And most of the time relationships are good when they first get started: it's a lot easier in many ways to have things be and feel great when they're new and we're still getting to know each other. Over time, as a relationship deepens we tend to find out where more of our incompatibilities are.

It sounds to me like your current boyfriend also has some of his own issues he needs to work on before he can have a healthy relationship with anyone. You're describing verbal abuse, for instance, as well as withholding behaviour.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kmarieee
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Wow, I know exactly where you're coming from!
My ex never once called me beautiful or complimented me, we never saw each other, he always made me upset and I always ended up forgiving him. He would buy me things to make things better instead of trying to work them out with me. I gave him all that I had and was trying to make us work, but he never tried to see me and always put school and work ahead of me. I know that in the real world, school and work are important, but he had it to the point where I didn't even exist. I started feeling bad when I told him I loved him, because I really didn't.

After a while of me being fed up with the problems and him not caring, I broke it off. He would just sit like a sad little boy who got his toy taken away whenever I tried to talk to him, and I only saw him shortly during the morning before school, afternoons we'd talk on the phone.

It hurt to leave him, I'd been with him for so long and felt that I had invested so much with him. But I knew in my heart that I deserved better. I admitted to myself and to him that we'd never get married and our futures just weren't going in the same directions. Breaking up with him was one of the best things I ever did for myself, and while it may hurt for you now, you will feel a lot better when you find that person who makes all the pain go away.

At the time of my ex and I's breakup, I even had a guy who used to like me help me through it, and now ironically we're together and have been for almost a year and five months. Maybe this new guy will be your Prince Charming.

All in all, no one deserves to be mistreated and you deserve to be happy. And you even mentioned that when your boyfriend was gone for a week, you were happy without that drama. Trust me, all boyfriends don't create drama and maybe doing away with this one will bring you a lot more happiness [Smile]

I'm kind of rambling, but I hope this helped [Smile]

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Love to love
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Its just hard. I tried talking to him today because once again he hurt me and broke a huge promise. I allowed him to still talk/hang with his exes but on two conditions. He was with other people, and he was texting me the whole time. He didn't even tell me he was hanging out with her till he had already left her place but her 'mother and sister were there & hes texting me now so thats what mattered' but I asked him if he was happy with me, with us and he said he was and that nothing was wrong and he didn't mean to break up with me.

I'm just so confused, because the times we spent together after he broke up with me he's tried so hard to make me feel better. I don't know if I should wait and see that things might get better or not.

Thank you desmadroza10, your advise has helped a lot, I just don't want to do it ya know? It just hurts so bad and I love him. But I don't know if I should stick with it or not. I'm just so confused and hurt.

Heather, I've began to realize he is verbally abusing me. But its usually when he's drunk. and other than that hes the best. I don't know what to do.

Kmariee thank you for the encouraging words. Its not that my boyfriend doesn't call me beautiful ever, its just that he hasn't in a while. I sometimes feel like hes the best boyfriend and sometimes I feel like hes a really bad one, I just don't know what I want right now. And I don't think this guy will be my prince charming for a while.. if ever. I met him at my work and he goes into my work a lot so I know I can't even give him my number, let alone hang with him. So right now he's just a friend that comes into my work :/ and I still unfortunately want to be with my boyfriend but yet so confused.

EDIT: So I called him and we talked about a lot of things. I basicall layed it out there for him. I told him if he continued to cuss and yell when we're arguing I wasn't going to put up with it. He also was trying to say he was being honest by telling me after he hung out with his ex that they just got done hangnig out, and as I do appreciate him telling me this and being honest. He promised me that he would tell me hes hanging out with them, and that he would text me the whole time they hung out. So I made him realize that wasn't okay for him to break promises, especially one so big as that. I told him I wasn't going to stick around if he was just going to continue to treat me the way he does and he said he would work on things. Though I've told him two other times he needs to work on things and he hasn't.. so this is the last straw. Then he was angry with me for all that I said, because he thought I was acusing him of cheating and that I was 'overreacting' so he was like Im just going to go. So we hung up and after about an hour he text me saying "I'm sorry this is all happening. That convo was stupid on both our parts. I want to move on from this and continue with us, not dumb arguments. I love you." And I know this may not seem like very much to anyone, but when you're dating someone who never says sorry, or who has to sleep on his feelings, its saying a lot. Usually after a fight I make the first move, but he did. So yes hes on very thin ice, but hopefully he will change because if he doesn't he knows I'm going to leave him. And I have to for the betterment of myself, my happiness, my friends, and all of you guys who help me with all this drama [Razz] Which I appreciate it all, so thank you. <3

[ 07-30-2010, 03:39 AM: Message edited by: Love to love ]

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atm1
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I'm glad you feel like you are making progress, but do realize that it's likely things will develop into a patter of him being nice for a while and then reverting back to his old ways, followed by an apologetic period, followed by reverting back, and so on and so forth.

I'm definitely with Heather in that it sounds like *he* has issues he needs to work on. If he's unwilling to do that, he likely can't participate in a healthy relationship.

Too, not to rain on your parade, but "I'm sorry all of this is happening" isn't really an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge that *he* has done anything wrong. It implies that bad things are just "happening" and that he's got no part in it. Too? In that text, he's blaming you as much as himself for what do seem like *his* problems. A better apology would be "I'm sorry I have hurt you. I will take steps to make things better." He would take responsibility for his behavior and commit to changing it. I don't see that he's done that.

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Love to love
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I know thats why this is the last straw for me.

I see where you're coming from, I also noticed that, but I'm not thinking too much into it just because I never get texts an hour after a big fight from him.. Or even a day. So I think he realized he did mess up and he is on thin ice. He did say he was sorry a lot when we were on the phone. So I'm just going to have to wait and see because he has one more chance.

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Heather
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By all means, if and when we have not voiced our issues with someone's behavior before, unless our safety is at risk, I think it's fine to voice them, set some boundaries and limits, and then see if that person does or does not make real effort to make changes.

My lone piece of advice on that is to set some kind of timeline, even if it's only in your head. Figuring that you'll give this person a week or two to start both taking some steps to work on their own stuff and to change the way they are behaving with you seems pretty reasonable to me. It's just that leaving things very open-ended can make it hard to stick to our OWN limits and needs.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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You're completely right. And I will. <3
He was actually very helpful and sweet to me today. I got fired at work for a really messed up reason and I called him and he told me to come see him and he took care of me whiel I cried, and gave me options of what I should do. and was just there for me, so it was nice.

Thank you for all your time, effort and help.

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Heather
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I'm so sorry you got fired! But I'm glad your boyfriend was supportive of you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Love to love
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Me too.. its really messed up why they fired me. All because a lie a kid told them about me? My boyfriend was actually very supportive and protective of me when he found out, so I hope things start to get better.. but we'll see.
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