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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Um, how should I tackle this problem

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Author Topic: Um, how should I tackle this problem
CuriousxMe
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Okay well, from the start my bf has always had issues with me and other guys. (It brings a lot of drama into our relationship, especially since I hang out with nothing, but guys) And on top of that I even made him more paranoid by cheating on him. Which was a big mistake so please don't judge or hate me. And I've been trying to gain his trust back.

Now here's the thing, I think he has double standards. He broke up with me two weeks ago. I was devastated and tried to distract myself. So I played online games. And I would be perfectly fine , then have an anxiety attack. (Point here is, the break up really made me crazy) And I had no intentions in finding another guy. I begged for him day and day. As much as I could take it.

Well I was playing this multi-player game and had this guy A and J add me on their friend's list. They are both friends and live in the same state I live in. 3 hours away too. Well something really dramatic happened to me a few days ago. And A was commenting my Facebook to have someone help me. My friend T told my boyfriend about it and showed him, what I posted on Facebook. Well my boyfriend clicked on A's profile and saw that he was of course a guy and lived in the same state as me.

Well once, we started talking about the guys. (He took me back 3 days later after that incident happen) And we had a little argument (Which would've been big, if I didn't stop it) A and J was two guys I met off a game, and talked to me about my troubles. And they never ever flirted with me or anything. I'm sure that they weren't trying to be nice to me to get into my pants either (Which my bf believes, but he thinks ALL guys that approach me online or offline wants that)

He doesn't like it that I was talking to guys. But see that's where his double standards come along. First of all the day he broke up with me he made an account to this website (that we both agreed on was a really stupid website, and most of the people used it to flirt with others) and he spoke to some girls. But he only replied to them 3 times or less. This angered me at first, but of course we weren't together, so I had to accept the face that I can't control his action.

I really want this relationship to work (9 months). Before the break up I'd do whatever he'd want me to do. Like stop talking to a guy. But now I don't want to be controlled and has been trying to compromise. I told him that if any guy crosses the line, I will ignore then and tell him. He said fine. Am I handling this problem right?

And btw A and J has also planned to come and hang out with me and my friends ... they are cool and I know for SURE they are not creeps and they don't want anything else other than to hang out. But I told them it all depended on my boyfriend. I even suggested to my boyfriend that when he was down here (He lives up north) that we should all hang out. He said no. They are guys. He even gets mad when I call J, grandpa. Everyone calls him grandpa. My bf said,"How would you like it if I called a girl I met online sister who lived in Portland (The city is close to his city)?"

Well now let's get to the question, how should I tackle this problem? Him and his jealously? I'm also trying to not make him look like a bad guy either :\

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CuriousxMe
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Anyone?
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Heather
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To say the absolute least, it is beyond appropriate for you to set boundaries which involve you refusing to be controlled by someone else. That absolutely includes someone else deigning who you can and cannot have contact with or talk to, whatever the criteria. And this is an important and healthy boundary for everyone.

Obviously, a lot of people make exclusivity agreements in romantic/sexual relationships. What those agreements are about when they're healthy and sane are about what KIND of relationship people in the agreement can have with others, as in, two people have agreed (for example) only to have sex with each other, however they define and demarcate that.

But talking to people, having friends, etc. is never a healthy place to make those agreements. Healthy relationships allow for people to have other kinds of interpersonal relationships, like relationships with family, friends and acquaintances.

Sometimes people with insecurity/jealously/control issues think the way to deal with those is by trying to avoid the situation. In other words, if you talk to no guys, his issues don't get triggered. But not only is that not interpersonally healthy, it doesn't have him dealing with those issues at all, just avoiding them.

So, is this a relationship you think can be healthy? If so, how about talking about this some more, including asking about healthy ways that don't involve control you two can work to build trust?

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CuriousxMe
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You know what? I agree with you. I actually talked to him about setting up boundaries last night.

Also yes, I don't want to trigger his anger, so I've gone that far to just compromise, instead of being controlled. Honestly, it is fine with me that we are compromising, as long as I don't have to do what he wants me to do.

And I also told him that, I wanted to help him on his jealously. We could get through this together. It's just really hard, because every time I talk to a guy (And by the way, I have nothing but guy friends, and have grown up with being really good friends with guys)he asks me 20 questions. And I've tackled my jealously and believe he could do the same. And yes, I feel like I don't want to argue with him about this because I will lose him. However is his jealously legit, because I have cheated on him once? (However, like I said before he was always like this, even before I cheated).

And do you think he has double standards?

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Heather
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Well, while I wouldn't suggest a setup like this was healthy regardless, if he gets to talk to girls/women in his life but is suggesting you should not have that same privilege with boys/men, that is a double-standard.

You're saying he was like this before you cheated, so I don't see how this is about that. FYI, cheating does more frequently happen in controlling relationships, which is probably of no surprise to anyone.

We should always be able to talk through things like this in relationships: if we can't out of fear of losing someone, unfortunately, that tells us our relationship is in trouble and some changes need to be made.

So, one place to start, sounds like, is setting a boundary on any interrogation you're getting about every guy you talk to. Maybe change the script some, like by making clear this happens and isn't okay, so you two need to come up with a different way of approaching this. For sure, someone being curious about other people or how you spend your time is fine, but if it's about grilling you, that's not cool. Has your boyfriend done any work on his own -- like with a counselor -- around jealousy and insecurity? If not, that'd be a good start.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CuriousxMe
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I actually considered couples counseling. We just had an argument again. And again, the topic was on a guy friend.

Can you please tell me what would you do if this happened to you?

I have a guy friend who has been inappropriate with me a few times. But it was like rubbing up against me. However, he calls me his sister. I spoke to my counselor about this: I was at a party (My current bf was broken up) and my friend laid in bed with me. And I asked if he does this to any other girls (Just to make sure, because we had this sister and brother bond, or so I thought) and he said not really (he usually does other things with those girls). All he did was hugged me. (I was feeling really bad and he was trying to comfort me)

Well my boyfriend hates his guts and my friend hates his guts too. My bf had this issue about how I was making plans to go to a water park, and that I invited him. (We are in a LDR by the way)And the only reason why I invited him, was because he could give us a ride. (Lately, my relationship with my "brother" has been going downhill)

And I tried assuring my bf that he wouldn't try anything funny, that he likes a girl that is a very close friend of mine. He has liked her for years. And they are friends with benefits too. But my bf said he will try something again with me. And I said no don't worry about it (etc etc) But he said I was defending him or making excuses with him. Which I guess I was? But all for the right reasons of course!

And you know how I was talking about A and J? Well, he told me that it wasn't right for me to talk to other guys about my problems. And I said but you wouldn't say that if I talked to a girl about it. And he said TWO BIG F'ING DIFFERENCES. And I even told him that we were broken up at that time and I was really really down on our break up. So why couldn't I talk to ANYONE I want to?

He got mad at me because I did not agree with his views which was girls should not be talking to guys about their feelings. He said I was wrong. And I didn't think this was a contest at all! So I told him that I didn't believe that it was wrong. And again, I've grown up with guys and is really comfortable with talking to guys ... especially when it comes to guy problems, they tell me a guy's point of view stuff. So I like that.

He has a gender issue and believes that guys and girls can not be friends. And I told him that we should work on his jealousy. Also on top of that, the reason why I am starting to think he is right is because I cheated on him and feel like he has the right to feel that way. What do you think? Is my boyfriend's view right? Should he be feeling the way he is feeling?

He also told me that, his feelings wasn't going to go away, if my friend wasn't out of the picture. I told him he wasn't allowing himself to try to work on his issues with my friend.

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CuriousxMe
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Also, I am aware that it maybe an insult to my boyfriend's pride. So I feel bad.
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CuriousxMe
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I'm so frustrated that I think I need to apologize to him and that he is right. His sister was telling me how I needed to respect him. I guess she pretty much defended him. And honestly deep deep down inside. I think he is wrong. I'm trying to not make this a competition of who is right. I just believe he is wrong and keeps generalizing.
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mma
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The fact that his pride is hurt does not mean he gets to scourge you for the rest of your life about it.

I'd just like to call some things to your attention.
quote:
Originally posted by UHHHHHH:
He has a gender issue

That's HIS issue, not yours.
quote:
Originally posted by UHHHHHH:
we should work on his jealousy.

Again, HE should work on his jealousy. That's not your problem to fix. In fact, even if you COULD fix it, which you can't, it's not YOUR responsibility, it's HIS.

quote:
Originally posted by UHHHHHH:
the reason why I am starting to think he is right is because I cheated on him and feel like he has the right to feel that way.

He has the right to feel whatever way he feels. What he does NOT have the right to do is treat you like you are his property to put under lock and key when he is not around unless he lets you out under his pre-approved circumstances and only in the company that he pre-approved. You're starting to think he is right because you are letting him have all the power in this relationship, so in a way, you have to think he is right. Otherwise, you would be retaining some control, and you seem to be trying to give it all up because of some mistake you made in the past. Two wrongs don't make a right, and you having cheated on him does not give him carte blanche to be manipulative and controlling.

quote:
Originally posted by UHHHHHH:
He also told me that, his feelings wasn't going to go away, if my friend wasn't out of the picture.

I misread this at first as "even if my friend was out of the picture." I think I did that because I was reading what was really there. His feelings are not going to go away even if you did not have any friends in the world besides him. He's still going to be jealous and controlling, even absent his "triggers" of the existence of other male people in this world. Today it's all your guy friends that are the problem. Tomorrow, it's going to be that one "opinionated" girl that he doesn't like (because she calls it like it is when it comes to his behavior), and pretty soon, you're never going to be allowed to leave the house.

Obviously this is not my relationship, but if it was, I would be seriously considering giving him a break from the relationship so that he could work on his issues in solo counseling until he can exhibit healthy behavior in a relationship, and I'd be going to solo counseling myself for working through my part in everything that transpired. When that was done, if it still felt right to pick the relationship back up, we could revisit it at that time.

In the meantime, I hope you won't continue to let him dictate the other relationships in your life.

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Heather
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mma totally nailed it, here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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