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Author Topic: Compliment Denied
kmarieee
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Hello, I was hoping I could get some advice about a problem I've been having for a very, very long time.

I've never had that much self-esteem/confidence to begin with; I've always wanted to be "that girl" that all the guys want and all the girls envy. Instead, I was the girl who just wanted to fit in; I wore the latest trends, but I still had that sense that I wasn't good enough, like Cinderella trying to play dress up.

When I was 15, I started dating my first boyfriend. To say the least, I was very, very naive. He was two years older than me and I feel as if he'd lied to me about things before we even began dating. We started getting physical within our first two months of dating and started doing things that I didn't realize until long after we had broken up that I wasn't comfortable with. Throughout our relationship, I can only remember being called "pretty" once. We dated for almost two years. I never recall being called beautiful, sexy or any nice word, just pretty. Once. To add to that, he was gaga for models and physical scenes in movies/TV. He would stop and stare at posters of girls at the mall or have a look in his eyes when people started having sex in a movie. This made things very awkward for me, since I didn't want sex and couldn't understand why he couldn't think of me like he did of those poster girls.

After almost two years, I broke up with him and a few months later started dating the guy I'm with now and I have to say he is the complete opposite of my ex. He's always complimenting me, loving me and we took our relationship slow and built trust with one another. The only problem is, I can't accept his compliments.

Hearing him call me beautiful feels like an outward lie to me. It feels like someone is telling me the sky is green; there is no way the sky could be green. He drills into my head that I'm beautiful, perfect and all that he wants, but it is so, so hard for me to hear and painful sometimes. I know that he doesn't look at girls when he's at school or do things he shouldn't do, but I can't help but feel that he does because of my last relationship. I recently saw a Sports Illustrated magazine in his living room(his parents get lots of magazines) and I scanned through it quick, suddenly burning with jealously of the girls in the centerfold and I wondered if he had looked at them.

To make matters worse, this past semester, he lied to me when I asked him if he had cheated on one of his exes during his freshman year. He told me he hadn't, PROMISED that he didn't and knew he never would. Personally, I despise people who cheat on their partners, it just hits a nerve with me. Turns out he had kissed another girl while dating his ex, but immediately called up his then girlfriend to apologize. Even though it was just a kiss, it still worries me through the roof. He goes to school four hours away, which doesn't help. So not only did he cheat, but he lied about cheating..

So I guess my questions are:
-How do I get past my insecurities about other girls/women and learn to appreciate myself for who I am?
-How do I get my boyfriend to understand my feelings for myself since he truly doesn't get where I'm coming from.
-Where do I begin to start trusting my boyfriend that he won't cheat on me? How do I bring up talking to him about it without hurting his feelings?

I'm terribly sorry for this long paragraph, but I truly need some help.
Thank you!

Posts: 22 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Love to love
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I'm no expert on any of this, but I can say I know exactly where you're coming from. It's sometime really hard to take a compliment when you think it's a complete lie. But some times you have to realize, just because you see yourseld this way - doesn't mean others do. The best thing you can do with a compliment is just say thank you. Even if you agree or not. You can't always get your bf to understand where you're coming from, but you can let him know that it's hard for you to accept compliments because of your ex, and how he rarely did it. Tell him it means a lot to you, but sometimes its just hard to grasp, or understand why he would think that, because for so long you were neglected in that area.

I've learned a lot from being with my boyfriend now. I always worried he would go out and ceat on me, sometimes I think oh no he's out at a party, is he cheating on me? I didn't get the gut feeling that he was, and nor do I think he would ever, I would just over think it, and worry about it. I've learned that you can't stop someone from cheating on you, or not cheating on you. I've learned that I have to have fun and not worry about it because although yes it would be horrible to be cheated on, but there is no way from stopping it. So why worry about something if that may or may not happen? And honestly your bf told his ex that he kissed a girl right away, he was honest about it, and that says a lot. Yes cheating is cheating, but at least he was honest with her, most people can't just do that.

The best thing to do is just relax, and have fun. Talk to him about how you feel and explain that its only for youto get a better understanding, for the both of you.

Hope this helped a little!

Posts: 115 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kmarieee
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Member # 46162

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Wow, thank you, this definitely did help. It's nice to hear things like that from a different point of view and know I'm not the only one who feels/felt that way.
Posts: 22 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Love to love
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I'm glad to hear it! Today actually I had a really hard time accepting the fact that someone thought I was beautiful, they kept asking why I didn't think I was and it was just really hard to explain. So I definitely know where you're coming from! I hope things get better for you, or you see things in a better light. <3
Posts: 115 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Yakri
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Maybe you should talk to him about why he lied to you, and about why he cheated on his ex. Even though I have the same opinion of cheaters as you do (I dislike them intensely on principle, I would never cheat on my partner), I can see why he might have lied to you.

He's probably gotten negative reactions from people before about the time he cheated, and if he really likes you, he probably lied about it because he didn't want you to think badly of him. Sure, lying about it wasn't smart, but since when does anyone do smart things all the time? I certainly don't.


As for taking compliments, that can be tough. I used to have major insecurity issues, I thought no one actually liked me, and everyone simply tolerated my existence. Short version, I got over it, it took a lot of heart felt compliments, and some pretty awesome people to eventually convince me that I deserved compliments, but I did get over it.

I've also had a lot of experience from the point of someone honestly complimenting someone else who didn't believe it. One thing I can say is that it's frustrating as hell.

The only real advice I can give you, aside from my experiences, is to talk to him about it. Talk about everything. The best thing you can do for a relationship is to talk. And try to allow yourself to believe him when he compliments you, innocent until proven guilty right? Plus, I think my girlfriend is the most wonderful person in the world, and I damn well mean it every time I compliment her. I'm sure there are some other people out there that think the same way. ^_^

--------------------
Chin up and face the future, wonders beyond your wildest dreams await us!

Posts: 47 | From: Crescent city, CA. | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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