This may take a bit of explaining so please bear with me!
Six months ago I began a sexual relationship with my best and oldest friend, and at the beginning nothing in our relationship felt wrong or out of place just a sort of 'well lets see where this goes' feeling between us. As I know she has had trouble with relationships I have tried as hard as I can to not put any pressure on the relationship. Even when we were not in a sexual relationship every now and then we would meet up and she would be very much unlike her usual self; resentful, distant, saying things that are slightly hurtful in the middle of a seemingly innocuous conversation. We all have bad days so this was never a problem and was quickly forgotten. But even in the first few weeks after we had sex this behavior began to appear more and now has intensified greatly. I have tried talking about it; ' what's wrong, are you ok? 'please tell me what's wrong? Is there anything I can do help?. but attempts to talk about it only make her more angry. It has got to the point were I feel like some kind of superfluous 'chore' that can be treated callously and then latter, when on a change of mood when she returns to the person I feel i know can be placated by tenderness and sex (I understand that this may only be and unreasonable emotional reaction on my part). But it has got to the point where, during small talk with a mutual friend she tells me to 'shut up because I have nothing to say', loudly, the friend was shocked but after an awkward silence conversation resumed as normal with me sparsely interacting for the rest of the evening because as I felt so humiliated, this sort of thing is happening more regularly. Is this normal? Am i being over sensitive and reading into this behavior too much!! sometimes we will meet in and as i put my arm on her shoulder as a greeting she will say 'don't touch me' and later want to hold hands and have me hug her. On one day after trying to ask her what what making her behavior so frigid, she stopped walking, said 'will you shut up you make me sick. This doesn't happen every time we see each other sometimes she is just the way i picture her, friendly and warm. Please, I don't know what to do! Is it me that is causing\imaging these issues, if it is an issue of my own personality I would appreciate any advice. All I can say is that I have never considered myself a sensitive person but the things that have been said and also inferred have caused me genuine distress. What can I do to change these problems?
Posts: 3 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jul 2010
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Gosh, that sounds really difficult! I'm sorry things are so unpleasant for you right now. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change your friend's behavior. The only one who can change her behavior is her.
Do you know if she sees a counselor/therapist?
You yourself could try talking to a counselor, too. I know I would certainly benefit from that if I had a friend who was being repeatedly hurtful like that. And I can't tell you how you should lead your life, but if it was me, I wouldn't be having a sexual relationship with someone who humiliated me publicly and said hurtful things.
Wow, I'm sorry. I wouldn't say you're reading into it--that's really strange! I do know that for a little while after I started having sex with my boyfriend I probably acted a little weird at times, only because I wasn't a hundred percent sure how I felt about it. But he always told me that if I ever wanted to stop for any reason it was fine--it was whatever I felt like I should do as far as that went. And knowing that really helped a lot. Like you, we were really good friends before we started dating (and we were dating for almost a year before sex, which was the first time for both of us) and still consider each other our best friends. It might just be that your friend regrets having sex. Was it her (or your) first time? She could be feeling really confused about the whole thing, either because it was her first time or because of your friendship or both. I don't know how possible it is to talk to her about it, but it might help to back off for a little while. Not that you shouldn't see each other, but maybe hold off on sex for a bit and try a relationship that's a little less serious, just so you're used to being together that way. And if you let her know that you're okay with whatever she wants as far as sex goes, that may help too. I hope this works out!
Posts: 15 | From: New York | Registered: Jul 2010
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aaaa259, thanks for the help but unfortunately I have tried all of those things!!!!!! It was difficult for me but when we first started having sex and even now I say that we can go back to being normal friends and that 'you don't have to have sex with me if you dont want to'. Neither of us were virgins before this. I think I may hold of on the sex, I don't know if its a justified feeling but I am starting to feel the she feels she had control over me through it ( Terrible thing to say, I know!!!) Mma, under any other circumstances i.e if it was anyone else, I would merely stop socializing with that person, but this girl had been my best friend for over five years, I cannot just discard that amount of history, I used to say that she was like my little sister (even though she is six months older than me) thats how it felt. She is not seeing a therapist but I am afraid there is no way I have the back bone to bring that sort of thing up I am open to seeing a councilor but I feel that the message may be lost in translation and misunderstood as 'you're crazy, everything is your fault, nothing to do with me' which is certainly not what I think. It would also be difficult as the only response I have got to date on trying to talk to her about this behavior is that i am being over sensitive and over reeding. I know I have faults in my own personality and recently have been more conscious than ever of them. If anyone has any advice or questions about me (or her) that might shed light or improve things please don't hesitate to ask!!!
quote:Originally posted by sprezzatura: Mma, under any other circumstances i.e if it was anyone else, I would merely stop socializing with that person, but this girl had been my best friend for over five years, I cannot just discard that amount of history
I understand you’re not ready to let go of the relationship entirely, and that’s OK. I like what you said about holding off on the sex and that’s probably a good idea. However, sometimes we have to be able to walk away from something to keep ourselves safe. My sister has been my sister her whole life but I had to cut off nearly all communication with her a few years ago because she just is not capable of treating me in a way that is healthy. It doesn’t mean I don’t still love her like the dickens; I just know I can’t be around her because she drives me up the wall to the point I cannot function.
quote:Originally posted by sprezzatura: She is not seeing a therapist but I am afraid there is no way I have the back bone to bring that sort of thing up I am open to seeing a councilor but I feel that the message may be lost in translation and misunderstood as 'you're crazy, everything is your fault, nothing to do with me' which is certainly not what I think
That’s cool; I was just asking for information, because if she was already, that would change things a little bit. I certainly wouldn’t recommend you trying to urge her into counseling, because I just don’t think that’s a conversation that would go well at the moment.
quote:Originally posted by sprezzatura: I am open to seeing a councilor
Then I would suggest giving that a try. Maybe you thought I meant that you should see one together, but I meant that you might try one alone. A lot of times when somebody’s in a relationship of whatever sort with a person, and for whatever reason they cannot or won’t end the relationship (alcoholic parent is the commonest example that springs to mind), the best thing that person can do is to get into counseling themselves. They can’t change the other person’s behavior, but they can learn coping skills and change their own behavior so that they are protecting themselves. I came from very unhealthy environments (plural) myself. I can’t change the fact that I grew up with “war zones” all around me and that sometimes I got caught in the “blast radius,” but what I *can* do is learn how to take off the broken and heavy armor that I don’t need anymore, isn’t effective anymore and is just weighing me down, and learn how to make my own lightweight and flexible armor that is more suitable for the “hazards” that I encounter in my current life. Does that make sense?
Moreover, sometimes just having a sympathetic, non-judging professional ear to bend who can help you see things in a new light is enough help that it allows you to soldier on. So please try looking at it less like going to a counselor means that you’re the one who’s crazy and you’re at fault and more like boot camp training or a personal trainer to help make you stronger and better able to tackle your own life’s obstacle course. What do you think about that?
I think you may be right, this seems like very sound advice. I am also from a household like you described and although living there taught me that the world does not revolve around myself it also leaves baggage! I feel better for simply getting these feelings off my chest. I am still open to any suggestions but this should be enough to get on with. Thank you very much Mma. Best Benjamin
Posts: 3 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jul 2010
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How can I get my family and friends and supporting case to believe in me again without trying to prove them wrong so fast. I was in a relationship with a boyfriend who I loved very much we just broke up and we didn't trust each other. And I didn't have the support of his family and having a hard time of my family supporting me. Even though they still are supporting me. Its still pretty hard going through what I have gone through. I just want our families to love and support each other but its hard any suggestions. We have tried going to counseling but my boyfriend that I had he didn't like the counslor or something.
Posts: 1 | From: Fremont NE | Registered: Aug 2010
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