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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I don't know what I want!

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Author Topic: I don't know what I want!
Member # 39705

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Long time no post! Last time I posted here it was about my long distance girlfriend. We've since broken up after five or so months of no communication. So now I'm stuck in another rut.

I don't know what I want to do with my love life, or even just with friendships.
Most days I'm happy being single. I have no plans to ever date, and I'm already looking into what organizations to use when I'm ready to adopt some kids and raise on my own. I have absolutely no regrets about spending my life as a virgin.
And then there are other days, where I feel horribly alone and depressed, and search every free dating site I know to see what men are nearby that I can date. After a few days of finding only duds I go back to my "I don't need men!" attitude and life is good again.
Now I'm in another "I don't want to die a virgin!" sulk. Even though I'm absolutely terrified of anyone seeing me naked, even myself, I started thinking about starting up casual sex. I have no idea where that thought came from! I wouldn't even have the bravery to have sex in the first year of a relationship, let alone with a stranger, so why would I start thinking that?
I also haven't had a friend to call my own in years, which I think is helping with making my loneliness worse. I've left the house twice since May, and always with my family. I'd love to have an actual friend again, but I have no idea how to make one!
I think the main thing I'm trying to ask here is, what exactly do I want? Do I want to be in a relationship, or is it just overall loneliness from not having friends? 90% of the time I'm happy being single.

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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I often feel like it's really tough to answer questions about what we might want with another person when we have no idea who that person is. [Smile]

In other words, are we talking about someone in particular?

because if we're not, I'm not sure how any of us would answer questions like "Do I want a relationship?" or "Do I want casual sex?" without first asking "With who?"

Know what I mean?

That said, most fields of study in human psychology and behavior tend to agree that people don't do very well without any kind of social relationships, and ideally, at least some close relationships, regardless of what kind. I also feel like until we can learn to make friends, it's going to be mighty hard to have other kinds of relationships.

So, why not start with putting effort on friendships, eh? Obviously, this situation also warrants a "with who?"

So, what's up in your life in terms of all your possible social opportunities? Where are you meeting or seeing people in general, regardless of what kind of relationships you may or may not want with them? If the answer is that you're not, how about we ruminate on what you can get out to do without your family, like some kind of classes, volunteer work, or even just taking walks outside?

[ 07-12-2010, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Shea,

I'm sorry that you're not doing so well right now. Have you ever looked into counseling? If not, I'd strongly encourage it.

In terms of meeting new friends, there are a lot of ways to go about that. Are you in school? If so, join a club or activity. If you're not in school, try to find a volunteer gig that interests you. If you're working, do you have any friendly coworkers?

Finally, there are a lot of events and group meetups that you can find online with a bit of googling. You could hang out with like minded folks and do an activity that you're interested in and hopefully meet some new people.

I've looked over your history a bit, and I notice you working to support friends in this thread as well as this one. Those were from 2009, so while it may seem like it's been a long time since you've had friends, it seems to me like you've been a good and caring friend within the last year and a half.

I know things seem lonely now, but you can definitely take steps to change that. One of the first I suggest, as I said before, is looking into counseling.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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