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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » how long is too long for a break?

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Author Topic: how long is too long for a break?
SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Ok here goes....on tuesday june 29th I text my bf jokingly that I was coming over. Now I really wasn't but he told me that tonight wasn't good to come over thursday night like I usually do when I get off work to spend my days off with him. Now for 2 week I had been coming over more then I know I should but he was fine with it from what I got. The thing is on wed the 30th I called him and we had a arguement and somethings were said. One in particular was that I been coming over very frequent and that he needed time to miss me. I argree that we do spend a lot of time together but I just wasn't expecting him to say because I was kinda already planning to do a week long disappearing act so he could start missing me. Now even though we had the arguement he still thought I was coming over for our usual thurday. On thursday I text him saying I wasn't coming over that I had some things to do. He said he admired the fact that I took his advice into concideration which I didn't what I did was decide to do the long break. Now we didn't speak no more after that but he did call me to see if I had got home and I quickly got off the phone saying I was bizzy ill call back. I did though but didn't speak to him long. Since then I had been ignoring his phone calls and letting it go to voicemail but retuning them when I felt like it. He called me yesterday but I had music blasting and told him I would call him back without even hearing his voice and hung up. Then when I felt like it I called him back spoke a little bit and said ill call him back. Now I called him only to let him know I was home. Then today I said to him that I won't be seeing him for a while that I was gonna be bizzy for the next 2 weeks and he he said doing what. I told him that I made some dates that im going on with my girlfriends and he said ok after I had to clarafy that it would be with females. Do you think im hurting the relationship by not seeing him for 3 weeks straight,that he will break up with me..how long is too long? And do you think this will break us because he doesent know that its a break he just thinks im hanging with the girls...plus do u think this will make him miss me and want me back around since he did state that I need to give him some time to miss him?
Posts: 56 | From: NYC | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loveyoumake
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Hi SumThinMeanAndSweet,

So you two haven't actually established that you're on a "break," correct? However if this is the case, I think it might be a good idea to establish that you two are in fact on a break. Your boyfriend knows you'll be going out with your girlfriends, but are you planning to date other guys?

As for space between you and your boyfriend, it's a really important thing. I had a boyfriend (now an ex-boyfriend) who I'd been together in a relationship with for 3 years and we spent way too much time together. It completely killed our relationship. The two of you obviously have a relationship together, but it is normal and healthy to spend time with other friends and do things you enjoy by yourself, apart from your boyfriend. The same thing goes for him too.

If you make it clear to your boyfriend that you two are on a break to try and give each other space, your boyfriend should be okay with it if he wants a break too. But I'd definitely make sure that you two are on the same page in the first place.

As the common saying goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Hope this helps [Smile]

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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Thanks for the advice I like it but the thing is we both established that we needed time apart but what happened was he told me to come over on my usually thursday and when we had the lil arguement he said we need some time apart to give him time to miss me...I totally got that and understood it but the thing is..how long should we be apart from each other?.plus he thought I was coming back last weekend to spend the 4th with him but I canceled that and I don't plan on seeing him til the 23 of july...last time we were together was june 27th...do u think that is too long? Plus we don't plan on seeing other people but like I mentioned I said I was going on dates with my girlfriends and he got a little touchy and thought I was saying dates as in going out with guys..I miss him a lot but I know we need space but its the feeling of what if he realize he doesn't want to get back together while were apart is what's bothering me...
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loveyoumake
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Yeah, I understand how that could scare you- the possibility of him not wanting to get back together, but why don't you call him or send him a text and ask him how is feeling about everything now? See if he still wants some time, because for all you know he could be seeing how much he misses you. I think the both of you will need to figure out the right amount of time to be apart, maybe a trial and error kind of thing, you know? Because I would tell you x amount of time will fix things, but in reality you could need more or less time. It really depends on the person/couple. Feel free to keep updating me, I'm usually on here a lot [Smile]
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September
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Well, it might help if he knew that you were taking time apart, if you know what I mean.

That is, you are seeing this as time apart that this relationship needs, but what he is seeing is his girlfriend being flaky, ignoring his phone calls, and telling him that she only wants to hang with her girlfriends for the next two weeks.

You've made a conscious decision to take some time from this relationship, but you haven't shared this with him. Your decision to take some time apart is a perfectly valid one, especially given that you apparently both feel that you were spending too much time together. But a break, to be healthy and beneficial, is usually something that both partners in the relationship need to agree on together.

So, my suggestion is that you call him up, or meet up with him, and talk to him about this break.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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@loveyoumake will do...I read post sometimes and they never update there situations and ill be eager to know how it went down lol@ september...he know that we are apart the thing is we didn't agree on how long because he still thinks im coming over next week even if im hanging with friends he said it was a good thing...so I was asking how long should I give him or we give each other...he knows that were on a lil break but he doesn't know how long its for beause I don't want to see him til im ready...yea I said my days off are gonna be spent with my friends but at anything day of the week I can go to his house and operate from his house..ie work and come back to his house and do that for a few days..he did say to me a while ago that "you act like you don't live here" I took that as a good sign. He is also supposed to be making me keys and when I was having problems with my apt I asked if I could stay with him a while til I find me my own and he said yes and that can allow us to save money to move into another apt..we are or were looking for an apt together. So all in all he knows that were on a break.
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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Well I called to the babe and he answered the phone and made a little joke about the heat and I joked back with him. Then I said something to the effect about this break and he was like don't be like that it aint like were breaking up but this break is gonna be good for us and its healthy for relationships. That put a smile on my face!!Then somehow we did a little flirt thing for a little while and I asked him if it was still ok to call him when I got home and when I got to work because we would do that when we were going strong. He said yes he actually likes when I call him to let him know im home...now this is not a controlling thing I work late and get off @12am so he wants to make sure I make it home safe which is cute. Now as for when we will see eachother I honestly can not say because I miss him but its not a strong miss. I love him a lot but as for missing him the urge to hop in the cab and zoom over to his house with him anticipating my arrival by waiting outside to pay for the cab isn't there yet. But from the convo I can tell its gonna come back real quick.
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loveyoumake
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Hey SumThinMeanAndSweet!

I'm so glad everything is working out for you! I bet you're glad you made that call lol. So it's good to know where both of you stand right now. And I agree that distance is a good thing for a relationship. Sometimes when two people are constantly together, it came become smothering (like my ex and I were) but just giving some space and time can do wonders for a relationship.

I hope everything keeps going well! [Smile]

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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Yea me too because when we do see each other we need to talk a lot! I came to some realizations about us that before we can move on and get back to being one again we have to clear some issues that we have. But he's an aries and sometimes its hard to talk to him only because he's an interupter lol. I say something and b4 I finish my point he already on defensive or putting in his advice b4 he hears the situation so im thinking if I should write him a letter and send it to his house maybe a day b4 I come or what would be better is if it can come in the daytime and by the time I get there he would have read it and ill be coming over...or just write the letter give it to him go to the store while he's reading it and by the time I come back he would have read it and see where im coming from...nothing bad just things to make us better..what do u think?
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loveyoumake
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I think that would be a good idea seeing as though he interrupts you sometimes, so it can be hard to thoroughly get your point across. I think maybe giving it to him in person and then you going out or going to another part of the house would be good. You will want to make it clear before he reads the letter, that it isn't anything bad and that the reason you wrote it was so that you could get all your thoughts down to make sure you didn't forget anything [Smile]
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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Yes exactly...im gonna hand it to him personally and then leave. I miss him so much lol I just look at the pics of me and him this is so pathetic
Posts: 56 | From: NYC | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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