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Author Topic: Time
Lilerse
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I'm sure there have been other posts like this but I just don't know what to do..it's been almost 7 months since I broke up with my boyfriend but I'm still crying almost every day. I've seen him several times since then but I've still gone months without seeing or speaking to him too and nothing seems to help. And yes I've seen counselors and therapists. But again nothing seems to help. I've also read a zillion psychology books and tried all this different stuff to get over him. Nothing seems to be working.
I'm still, overall, enjoying my life, but I want the crying to stop. At the same time I feel like subconsciously I don't want it to stop because I'll really be letting go of him and I still don't feel ready to break that emotional bond. I like feeling something. I don't want to stop caring. But I also really want the pain to stop.

I've been trying to keep myself busy and when I do I'm usually fine. But when I'm alone and have time to think about things, especially when I'm going to bed, I can't stop thinking about him - and thinking about him usually leads to crying. I know time is different for everyone but I've been crying for 8 months straight (I started the crying before we broke up) and I'm impatient and just want it to stop already.

Do I just have to keep on waiting? People keep saying time heals but I'm starting to believe that less and less.
Any help would be appreciated

(also, this whole "first love" thing..I know it very much varies for people, but some say they never fully got over their first love even decades later after they've fallen in love with someone else and all that - but they don't seem to think this is a bad thing. How can you not be fully over someone and yet not feel pain? I want to be able to do that)

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
loveyoumake
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Hi Lilerse,

I totally know where you are coming from. My ex and I had been together almost 3 years when he broke up with me. I was in high school at the time, and he was my first love (but looking back now, I didn't love him, I was just infatuated with him and the idea that I loved him).

It was so hard for me because he was all I ever knew. I didn't think, and was convinced, that things could never be better than what I had with him. It took me years to get over him. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it did. I didn't get over him until I got into a relationship with a man I met at college.

In between the time that my ex broke up with me, and the time I met my new boyfriend, which happened to be about 2 years, I dated a few other guys, but never was in another relationship until I met my current boyfriend at college.

I also cried like you did, but the crying, for me, got less and less as time went on. One thing that made getting over my ex harder for me was having contact with him. We constantly went back to each other over the couple years after he broke up with me, but he never wanted to be in a relationship again with me, he just wanted to hook up, which hurt me a lot at the time because when he broke up with me he never even gave me a reason as to WHY we were breaking up.

Relationships are really tough. There's no doubt about it. I don't know any background about you or your relationship with your ex, but do you mind if I ask why the two of you broke up?

Also, the last thing you wrote in your post
quote:
this whole "first love" thing..I know it very much varies for people, but some say they never fully got over their first love even decades later after they've fallen in love with someone else and all that - but they don't seem to think this is a bad thing. How can you not be fully over someone and yet not feel pain? I want to be able to do that
The way to have this happen is to realize that while the time you had together was great, and even though you might want it back, everything happens for a reason and in the end everything will turn out OK. I know that someone telling you this is so much easier than actually making it happen, because I thought the same thing when I was struggling to get over my ex too, but it is completely true. You get over someone because you realize that life goes on and better things will come along/happen to you. Also, you find comfort in knowing that you were once a part of a relationship that meant a lot to you, and that not everyone gets to experience that; but you can also find comfort in knowing that something better than you thought was the best will also come along too. [Smile] Keep your chin up. I know it's so hard. If you need anymore help, feel free to write back, I'm sure there are more things I could say pertaining to this topic [Razz] I hope this helps, good luck.
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Lilerse
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Thanks for the response.

There also wasn't a clear reason we broke up which is part of why it's so hard. I guess it was probably a combination of problems communicating, being on different levels in commitment/feelings (I was in love with him but he didn't love me), and distance. And a bunch of other complicated stuff.

He also keeps saying he isn't sure he wants a relationship but hasn't explained why or what that means to him. Cuz we were only "officially" in a relationship for 2 months - the first 9 months we were seeing each other but due to distance it was not official. But it certainly seemed like a relationship to me, but he keeps arguing we were fuckbuddies (claiming that fuckbuddies doesn't mean absence of feelings, even though that's how I've always viewed it, but that fuckbuddies just means not in a relationship - again, whatever the hell "relationship" means!)

Anyway. Mostly I'm worried now because I just found out it's pretty damn likely at this point that he WILL be joining me at my college this fall. So the distance will no longer be an issue..but that'll also make it that much harder to get over him. It doesn't sound like he wants a relationship and he even says he wants what we do have to be "asexual" for awhile to see if we can do it, but I know that's going to suck. It's going to hurt way too damn much to be around him and not be with him - and I WILL be around him, because my school is tiny and I know we're going to have the same friends too. I don't know what to do.

And I was just watching an episode of Scrubs where J.D. tells Kim he is sure he's never going to love her (even though she loves him) and I keep thinking about how even though my ex never said that exactly, it's probably true. And I probably shouldn't be in a relationship where I love the person and he's never going to love me..but I don't know.

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lilerse
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Oh and it wasn't always long-distance - the 2 months we were "official" we were living together (after living together for 1 month). So we've always had either intense togetherness or intense apart-ness. Another reason we've had problems.
Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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