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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I NEED HELP MORE THAN EVER (Page 2)

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Author Topic: I NEED HELP MORE THAN EVER
Brittanycookie
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He does help me alot when I get angry, he holds me and talks to me about calming down.

And thankss, I'll get him to check it out

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Heather
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The thing is, it's not really about helping you, it's also about protecting him and having care for him, especially if he is the one being called names and yelled at. When that's the case, it's actually HIM that needs to be taken care of rather than you, since you're not the one being called names or yelled at.

In a partnership that's healthy, it shouldn't be someone who is being verbally abused's job to care for the partner doing the abusing. In a healthy partnership where someone has a mental illness, it shouldn't be the partner's job to manage that illness: that's up to the person with the illness and the qualified counselors/therapists/healthcare providers helping that person.

Know what I mean?

[ 06-30-2010, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I understand that, but he'd never leave me. I know your not saying he will but I'm just saying. He loves me too much. And I do love him and it hurts when I say that stuff to him.
Its just the way he is, even if I'm the one doing something wrong he's still there for me.

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Heather
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I don't know why leaving you keeps coming up, but I do know that if someone is being hurt or harmed by someone else and won't act in their own protection, that that person needs their own help from someone (not the person hurting them) in order to learn better boundaries and ways to take care of themselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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The thing is, he just doesn't care.
As long as he's with me hes doesnt care.
And he's told me that

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Heather
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Okay, so here's the thing about that. I'm going to be very direct, because not being so would be patronizing to you, and I also don't know how to explain this without being very direct.

If, in fact, your boyfriend is not bothered in any way by being yelled at and called names or otherwise treated poorly (which isn't consistent with other things you've said, mind, but still), and/or has made clear that no matter how badly you treat him or how unhappy he is, he'll stick around, and he's in earnest, that means one of two things, or both:
1) The abuse dynamic here is profound, and he's been deeply impacted by it, to the point where his self-worth and own protective instincts have been damaged. Now, maybe he came to this relationship already like that, but another abuse dynamic here will keep that going or make it worse.
2) He has some kind of depression, his own mental illness and/or low self-esteem in which little to none of this is registering, or it's making him feel very hopeless and like he doesn't deserve better, which everyone does. NO ONE deserves to be yelled at, called names, or otherwise made to be unsafe or mistreated.

Like I said, it could be one of those things or both of those things, but either way, and yet again, you are describing what is, at best, a very dysfunctional dynamic or, at worst, an abusive dynamic. This, like other things you have said, does NOT describe a healthy relationship or a relationship between healthy people.

I really can't encourage both of you enough to get good therapy and to actively participate in it. I know you haven't liked any of our assessments of all of this, but they are what they are because we know what we know about mental health and healthy and unhealthy relationships.

I'll also be honest with you: if your boyfriend had been the one who came here and posted about this, describing being yelled at and name-called, describing being thought to be stupid a lot, describing feeling like he'd stay no matter how poorly he was treated, I'd suggest that he strongly consider leaving the relationship or at the very least, getting himself some solid and ongoing therapy so he could feel better, understand these dynamics better and ideally, make choices for himself that were more in alignment with his own well-being.

Again, I know you might not like me saying that or it might even make you feel angry or attacked. I am not trying to attack you. Rather, I am responding to what has been said and described with the knowledge and education I have of working in and around these situations and the best advice I have to offer.

Obviously, you can take that advice or leave it. However, if you're here asking for advice, either from users, volunteers or staff, I would be surprised if anyone suggested anything very different than that. You certainly are welcome to go to other sites like this and see what they advise if you'd like other opinions, or to talk to other resources designed to give counsel and advice with interpersonal relationships.

But at this point, I feel like we are at an impasse, and I have to confess that it's become very hard for me to talk with you because I'm not comfortable talking to someone who is in any way enabling any kind of control, abuse or maltreatment, even if they feel like those things are outside their control when doing them. We're also just not really equipped here to counsel people who are doing any abusing of any kind: when it comes to abuse, what we do is primarily about helping people who are being abused. Understand what I mean and where our limits are?

So, what I'd like to ask is that a) we take a break from talking about this issue, and that b) if you want to talk about it with us some more, you please take at least one or two of the steps we advised, like talking with your doctor about treatment, re-entering therapy or enrolling in some anger management classes.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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He is not depressed.
And he puts up with it because he knows the main reason I do it is because of my BPD.
And because I haven't always been like this.
And neither hs he.
I'm only like this now because the way he used to treat me, which was horrible, and I ended up like this.
Neither of us have always been like this,
which is why i put it up with him, (and cuz i love him)
and I THINK thats why he puts it up with me.

I really do apperaite you trying to help me, but I'm the type of person who doubts what people say. And just doesn't take advice well.

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Heather
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If you are saying the abuse has happened on both sides, then by all means, I'd give you both the same advice.

You say you don't take advice well because you doubt people's words. That's clear, but at the same time, it's then up to you to recognize that when you ask for advice, you're...well, asking for advice. You get to take that advice or leave it, but arguing back and forth with people who you asked from advice from isn't appropriate or fair, because we are simply providing you what you asked for.

If you know you don't really want advice or won't be receptive to it, it's also then your responsibility to recognize that in yourself and not ask for it.

So, again, I need to set a limit and a boundary that you will need to respect.

I am not comfortable discussing this further with you, nor are the other volunteers, until some kind of effort has been made around what we have advised. If you don't want to do any of those things, you get to make that choice, but we also get to make choices, to, including setting a boundary that we're not comfortable talking more about this relationship -- nor does it seem at all likely to be productive -- until one or both of you seek out some outside help, you for your BPD and one or both of you for the dynamics of this relationship and the behaviors within it.

[ 07-01-2010, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I was not argueing,
And fine I'll no longer ask for advice since y'all do not want to give it to me.

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Heather
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You're more than welcome to talk with us about other things.

We are simply putting a limit on further advice about this issue until or unless you're willing to take and apply some of the advice we have already given you, both because it's nonproductive for everyone otherwise, but also because we, like anyone else, simply have limits and need to have sound boundaries for ourselves.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(FYI, one thing I do NOT want to leave you hanging with, and is a different issue, is any problems you may be having at home, especially with this instance of your parent putting you out of the house without an alternate guardian or family member when she "needs space."

So, if you want to talk about that, or have us connect you with helps/resources for that, do please let us know.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I'll be fine, I always end up at someone's house when my mom wants alone time. It's been hard for her ever since my dad left. And it's also hard for her to accept that I'm VERY unhappy at home, I'd rather be with my dad or my boyfriend. I hate being here, and she just can't understand it.
Posts: 78 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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