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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I NEED HELP MORE THAN EVER (Page 1)

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Author Topic: I NEED HELP MORE THAN EVER
Brittanycookie
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just today i found out alot of stuff i didn't know.
I was on my boyfriends myspace and found a message asking a girl if she wanted to have sex. Right after he said just picking.
And it was the day after my birthday.
That week we went through major problems, MAJOR.
I called him and asked him about it, and he got pissed.

Another story, a while back when we took a break a girl named taylor sent me a pictures of her kissing him on the cheek.

Every time I asked him about what happen he always tells me she kissed him on the cheek.

Anyway, today i brought that up, idk how but I did. and he ended up saying they kissed on the lips.

I just lost it!
I got so mad, and it happend months ago, but i just found out.
And I felt really hurt, and lied to.
He kept saying just forget about the past we've both changed.
But he still brings up stuff I did like 8 months ago.
But he got mad when I correct him.


I just got so pissed! And hurt!
Idk what to do

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Djuna
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Hi Brittany! I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Looking at some posts you've made in the last few days as well, it sounds like at the moment you and your boyfriend are making each other quite unhappy. Do you think that's a fair enough thing for me to say?

I don't want to make any assumptions, and obviously 11 months is a decent period of time with a certain amount of rough and smooth patches. But could I ask, because I don't know the whole situation, what reasons are there that make you want to stay in a relationship which (at the moment at least) seems relatively unhappy?

I'm hearing that you seem to be going through a really hard time this week - I hope things get better for you in one way or another. [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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atm1
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Brittany,

In your other thread, you described that you've been having problems with this partner for quite a few months.

It sounds like there are problems with trust on both sides, and that your boyfriend has taken actions that are not okay with you.

Do you and your boyfriend have very clearly laid out rules for what is and isn't considered cheating in your relationship? If not, I strongly encourage you to sit down and have that conversation. It's important to set standards that you will *both* be held to.

If he agreed to stay with you after you cheated, then no, it's not fair for him to keep bringing it up. Similarly, if you two have a long conversation about this and decide to stay together, it will be important for both of you to not use past cheating as a means of digging into each other, if you know what I mean.

Finally, did you read through the article that Heather linked to you in your other thread ?

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Brittanycookie
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I still do love him, idk if im stupid for that, but I can't help it.
He was always there for me no matter what.
Me and him both have bad anger problems and alot of times thats why we fight, b.c it's hard to control.
I always tell myself that hes different from any guy I've dated.
And he is,
but its just when he gets angry.
And he puts up with stuff no other guy could put up.
Like how I'm demanding and picky, how I always assume and raise my voice.
And when he makes me VERY mad I call him names.
I know I shouldn't, but I call him what he acts like.
And he still puts up with everything else

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Heather
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Brittany: I'm heading out in a bit, but one trouble I'm having here is that when we tried to talk with you before about what was and wasn't healthy, you were very resistant, stating that things like having big issues with anger, name-calling and raising voices all the time was normal and okay.

Can you see how it's going to be a bit tough for us to talk with you about problems like this if you aren't on board with us that this kind of thing is very much NOT okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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So your saying I can't come for y'all for anything?
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Karybu
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That's not what anyone is saying. We're more than happy to talk to you about this as much as you like, but it's going to be difficult to help you if, when we point out behaviours that sound unhealthy and problematic, you don't acknowledge that those things are problems. It would be sort of like if I had a sore throat, went to the doctor and got told I had strep, but then refused treatment and said that having a sore throat was normal and okay even though it was causing me pain. See what I mean?

[ 06-28-2010, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Brittanycookie
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I believe I said in one of my other posts on this thread that i know I shouldnt be doing it to him.
And yes i know it's unhealthy, but it's so hard.
I have been tested for bipolar. I do have it, but i try not to use it as an excuse.

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Heather
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Are you being treated for your bipolar disorder?

In addition, have you talked to a therapist about a) this relationship, honestly, and b) if they think an intimate relationship is something you can handle right now? Have you asked about THIS relationship specifically and if they think this is healthy for you?

By all means, being bipolar -- particularly if you are not being treated -- is going to make relationships harder to manage, particularly per your moods. But bipolar people can have healthy relationships.

Obviously, who knows how much any of this has to do with your being bipolar. Since you've also voiced the sentiment that you think things are healthy which aren't, it may be that, too, you need to do some more work on finding out what's healthy and learning healthy ways to interrelate before being in an intimate relationship.

To boot, your bipolar disorder certainly doesn't tell us anything about his behavior. From the sounds of things, you both have some unhealthy patterns and ways of behaving. It may be that you two also just are not a very good mix.

Have you talked together about taking some time away from the relationship? Because that's something that sounds like it could be a sound, smart first step to me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I'm not being treated for it, cuz theres something in I'm allergic to i think?
And we think he is bipolar but he hasn't been tested for it.
And even though we go through rough times, argueing and such, we still love each other.
It's just hard to not say something mean when he's pissed me off

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Heather
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There are many different treatments for bipolar disorder. It's very unlikely a person would be allergic to ALL of them.

As well, talk therapy isn't something someone can be allergic to, and that's probably one area of treatment you could use, especially as a) you adjust to managing bipolar and b) you navigate this relationship.

What you're describing when you say it's hard for you not to say mean things when you're angry is a need for help with your anger management.

As well, people can love each other, but still not be right for each other, either on the whole, or at a given time in their lives, such as if and when they don't have the skills to have healthy relationships.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I've only tried one medican and I turned out to be allergic to that one so we decided I wouldn't try any different one.

And even though we have problems, and he makes me so mad, I couldn't go a day without him.
I love him too much,
there might be things I haven't forgiven him for, but I love him

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Lilerse
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Thinking you can't go a day without him is not healthy - you CAN, and you have to prepare yourself for doing so in case it ever happens. Saying you can't go a day without someone is co-dependency and it's not a good thing.
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Brittanycookie
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Youre reading too much into what I'm saying.
I'm saying, I can't go a day without him in a relationship. I'm in love with him.
WE argue a lot but we still love each other.

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atm1
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Since you decided against medication, have you explored talk therapy?
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Brittanycookie
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I've been in therapy before for other reasons, that still haven't been resolved.
I believe it's a waste of time,
and my mom can'y afford it right now.

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Heather
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So, here's the thing. If you have bipolar -- which certainly is going to make managing your emotions much more challenging -- but won't take any medication for it, and also don't want to do any other therapies, then that'll just go untreated. Not only is that just not advised with bipolar, it means any of these issues stemming from your BPD or made worse by it....well, they'll probably stay as they are.

Are either of you willing to do anything to work on this, like say, going into anger management classes of some kind? Or, doing something DIY, like sitting down, talking about better ways to resolve your conflict, maybe even each agreeing to keep a journal of when things like yelling or name-calling happen so you can sit down and address those when they happen, or get a handle on how often they're happening?

In case it isn't obvious, in order for things to change, if you two aren't going to leave the relationship, you both have to be able to start to manage it in a radically different way than you have been. If you can't make any big changes, aren't willing to, or won't access the kind of help in that people tend to need, then things will likely only stay the same or will escalate and become worse.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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Were both willing to change, his anger has gotten better over the last few months but mine hasn't.
I guess I just need help
Its hard tho

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Heather
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being willing to change behavior is always a huge part of changing. But we often still need help in knowing how and developing the skills TO change.

As well, sometimes in order to change an interpersonal dynamic, we have to step out of it for a while, each do our own work, then come back to each other when we've done that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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That I'm not willing to do.
Ever.

But I am willing to change, and to anything that will help me change.
He doesn't deserve what I make him put up with when I'm angry.

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Heather
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Well, then just know that may limit how much change can actually happen. That's not always needed, but in most situations/relationships where there are things like verbal abuse and unhealthy ways of expressing anger going on, most people who work with folks at improving relationships will tend to suggest that.

One thing I can tell you is that while it's fine for us to know our limits, closing the door on ways we might be able to make positive change happen from the onset tend to be a pretty big barrier to positive change actually happening.

That all said, and at this point in the conversation, what ARE you willing to do to foster positive change in this way? What sources of help are you going to investigate?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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Anything I can do,
except leave him.

I've tryed that and it just tore me apart!
So I'm not trying that again

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Heather
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I didn't suggest leaving anyone in the last few posts. I suggested each person doing work on their own while taking a break from trying to relate to each other.

However, "anything I can do," is pretty vague. We've suggested some of the ways you can work on this here, like medication or other treatment for your BPD, talk therapy, anger management classes, getting a mediator to help both of you. Any of those things things you're willing to try?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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Like I've already said, we can't afford alot of stuff at the moment.
Glenn (boyfriend) is trying to help me, but it's hard for me.
I'm not saying he's stupid, but he kinda lacks comon since, and when i have to explain something to him like he's 10 it really frustrates me.
Probably from his year of drug abuse.
Which he no longer does
And I'm going through some stuff at home which isn't helping.

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Heather
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Let's get to any economic barriers after you express what you WOULD try, period, first, okay?

So, setting those actual or possible barriers aside, what things on that list would you be willing to try?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I'm not sure what there is to try.
So I don't know how to answer that.

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Heather
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Can you look at the list I posted for you two posts ago where I reviewed some of your options, please?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I can talk to my mom about trying to get me on a different type of medican and see if it helps.
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Heather
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Treatment for your BPD would most likely help at least a little, if not a good deal. It probably will not be all you need to do to learn how to manage and express your anger and frustration in a healthy way, but it would probably be a very good start, and help you be more able to learn how to manage your anger better.

So, how about you start with that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I dont believe in medican for everything.
Thats why my little brother goes to privite school because his school wont allow him to return unless he's on drugs.
But if it will help i suppose I could give it a try.

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Heather
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I don't either.

However, I know enough about bipolar disorder, and enough people with bipolar (some of whom prefer alternative approaches to medicine) to know that most people with bipolar disorder do not do very well without ANY kind of treatment, and mental health organizations as a whole strongly advise those with bipolar disorder not to go without SOME kind of treatment, be that a medication or combination of medications, talk therapy or other treatments.

Here's some links for you so you can have more information to make this choice, though the best person to talk to about it would be the psychiatrist who has diagnosed you with BPD:

• http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356
• http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml
• http://www.pendulum.org/articles/articles_misc_lisaalt.html
• http://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/main/bipolar-disorder-serious-psychiatric-condition/menu-id-67/
• http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2006/08/06/dangerous-and-bipolar-disorder/

[ 06-30-2010, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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I talked to my mom about it, she said she'll take me back to the doctor in a few days.
I'll be staying at my boyfriends house as of tomorrow for about a week.
So she said when I get home she'll take me.

She's not to fond of it because she doesn't see me get very angry around her. but I think she knows i do

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Heather
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Well, perhaps you can ask your doctor to explain BPD to her a little better so that she understands.

Getting treated also isn't just about controlling your anger: it's about your whole quality of life and how safe you are.

Staying at your boyfriend's house for a whole week when you two are having these kinds of problems sounds pretty iffy to me. However, you didn't ask my opinion, so I won't talk with you about that unless it's something you want to talk about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Brittanycookie
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Its okay I'm up to listen,
And i spend every weekend with him.
He lives like an hour away and he just got layed off so I'm spending the week with him.
My dad no longer lives here and my mom wants some her space.

I'm hoping by talking with him face to face will help.
Sometimes it does, over the phone and text just make is worse.

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Heather
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FYI, my friend Charlie just suggested this book for your partner: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

With this week-long visit, perhaps the two of you might make some agreements in advance so things don't escalate? For instance, maybe you make an agreement that if and when you start to get angry and feel lie you might yell or name-call, you'll take a walk and he can remind you to do that if you don't do it yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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