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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Am I Expecting Too Much?

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Author Topic: Am I Expecting Too Much?
katiebird
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Hi, I've been here many times about relationships. So right now I've been with this guy for 3 months. We started dating in school (we go to the same college) and it was great in school - we talked often, texted a lot, and saw each other a good amount.

Now that's it's the summer, we both have jobs and time spent with our friends, so we don's see each other as much and I understand that and that's okay. But what bothers me is he never really initiates conversation with me like he used to. I've brought it up to him, telling him it upsets me and he says he can't always respond to texts. So I lowered it down a little, but he still hasn't really initiated conversation with me. With my last boyfriend, we would at least check in with each other every day so I'm used to that. But my current boyfriend if busier than my last - am I expecting too much from him? He says he won't really talk to me more than any of his other friends but I feel like with relationships you do and you should because it's a different kind of relationship. Am I expecting too much or making this relationship too serious (we've been dating three months)?


-----

Well this seems null now. I was expecting too much he broke up with me. We had a good long talk and I think we got a lot out on the table and I think I was at a getter understanding of everything but he didn't want to try it again. So. FML.

[ 06-22-2010, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: katiebird ]

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May Day
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Hi Katiebird,

I'm really sorry it didn't work out:( It happens and it can feel just awful. Even if it was just a short relationship, break ups hurt. There's nothing wrong with feeling blue about it either, if you need to have a cry do it, get it outta your system.

What you could benefit from now is a bit of self and life reaffirmation! I know you're working, but make time to do some special you-stuff and keep spending time with your friends:)
Do you have some hobbys that keep you active and make you feel good? When my bf broke it off with me in December i was feeling wretched. Everytime i felt lonely I went and sat at my music and played some saxophone. It made me feel good to take my mind off the hurting and it gave me a positive boost to hear myself improve.
I also think getting outside does wonders. If you can, how about a stroll out in the sunshine? Or go for a run? a short sprint can be a really good mood lifter:)

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katiebird
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Thanks May Day

I've been trying to occupy myself but still in me free time I think about it. Mostly because the day of the break up he pulled out everything - told me that he felt criticized by me and anxious and that I was never fully invested in the relationship and he'd been stressed about other things the past few weeks and this was just another thing. So it's just really been bothering me that apparently I was stressing him out so much yet he never told me earlier when I could have addressed it - so I just feel awful now because of whatever stress he might have went through those 3 months...I'm mad at the same time though because he never said anything.

I really want to call or ask him as closure whether the relationship was THAT bad for him because now I just feel crippling guilt that I can't get over and I'm wondering if the whole thing was that bad for him. But I don't want to call because a) I know you shouldn't after a break up and b) apparently since I cause him so much stress I don't want to cause him anymore. I already sent a message apologizing about hurting him but also expressing me being upset that he basically said to me I was a bad girlfriend - and he hasn't yet replied in denial or agreement. Which bugs me. Because that basically tells me what I said was correct. It feels awkward because we want to go back to friends but it's like if he didn't think I was a good girlfriend I feel like I can't be a good friend.

[ 06-23-2010, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: katiebird ]

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May Day
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ehhhh i really advocate for communication in a relationship. I think him not just talking to you about it was counter-productive. Obviously he WAS able to vocalise how he was feeling, since he did so right before you broke up, so he is equally responsible in the deterioration of your relationship from that line of thinking.
I realllllyy dislike how everything that could have been said earlier to help, comes tumbling out when it's too late and just serves to hurt people:( Sounds like that's what happened with you two.

If you've already contacted him through message and he hasn't replied yet, i'd let it lie. If and when he's ready to pick up communication again he has the window to do so. If you call it might give you some clossure, or it might leave you feeling like you need more answers.

In terms of guilt.. heh yea, i know what that feels like to after a relationship. When my bf and i broke up, i was feeling so guilty because i hadn't meant for stuff to turn out like it did and for him to be carrying weight silently. i know lotsa stuff was going round, stuff we couldn't really help and now i think.. well, it was just the wrong time and place for that relationship.
I don't think not being in the same "space" as this fella makes you a bad girlfriend at all, i think it makes both of you human. So it wasn't the right time and place for you two, it's okay! It might never be, and that's okay too.

I think maintaining friendships even if the relationship doesn't work out is a really positive way to go- especially if you were friends before the relationship happened. But everything takes time. If you give yourself and him that time, you'll grow a bit, work some of it out for yourself and then if things were never sorted out.. well you wont NEED them to be for you two to be mates again, you'll be able to shrug it off and move on. Learning curves and all that y'know?

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katiebird
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Well, I guess I'm wondering that means if I have no reply - does that mean he was too frustrated with the whole thing and didn't want o say anything? I didn't really ask anything, just apologized and brought up him saying I was a bad girlfriend - I was hoping for some denial or confirmation on that.

At the moment, I'd really like to try and patch things up. I think I really came to a good understanding when we had that good long talk, but I'm nervous about it. Just because I'm still not sure whether it was the whole relationship he was iffy with or if it was just the last 3 weeks of arguing/stress. That's another reason I want to call and get answers to those questions - so I can fully understand (and if it WAS the whole relationship realize maybe I shouldn't try to patch tings up) and fully apologize to him. And then go on to focus on myself give each other space and try to patch things up within a month or so? I don't know. I've never wanted to get back together with someone after a break up but in this situation I do mostly because I realized a lot of my own mistakes.

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May Day
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It's impossible to tell what silence means. It could be anything, it could have to do with you completely, him completely, something external he's trying to deal with...

If giving him a call is something you really want, then i wont try and convince you not to. However, before you do give him a call, sort out (maybe write down? that helps me) what value you're placing on this call.. like, you know that you can't *know* what he'll say and he might come out with something that's totally confusing and painful. If it turns out you both resolve these leftover issues, fab! if you don't, what will you need to do for yourself to move on?
Mostly, i'm thinking right now that talking things out is a good idea, but only if you're in a frame of mind not to take steps backwards if it doesn't actualise in a way you would prefer.

Wanting to get back together because you've realised your mistakes is one thing, but for that to work.. he needs to realise his errors too. It takes both of you to make things work, including reconciling and being friends. He wont contribute, there's not all that much you can do except let things go and move on.

Good luck!

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katiebird
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I would like to have the call - I know it guarantees nothing, and it very well just make me hurt more, but I'm willing to take the risk I think because I want to know these things for future relationship and for my own reflection.

I think the only major error on his part was the lack of communication. At this point, I know when I'm going to call him to talk about these things but I'm planning on doing it a specific way - I want to ask my questions, say what I need to say in apology/my own realizations, but I don't want to directly ask him whether we can get back together because I want it to be in his hands to think, well, do you want to try this again? I keep thinking it's very unlikely though. Is this a good way to approach that, or should I straight up tell him I'd like to get back together?

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katiebird
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Sorry for double posting - it's the time past that I can edit my previous post! I just wanted to put an update on this.

So I talked to my ex, who still is my ex. I think I was really able to communicate my mistakes, and I told him I was making changes to ensure I didn't make them again - which was mostly focusing on myself more so that I don't always expect attention from him (which is unhealthy). He also recognized that he needed to communicate better. I did tell him I would have liked to get back together with him, and he told me wasn't open to it. He originally said he wouldn't consider trying again in the future but then admitted he never knew what would happen. He said he needed me to build up trust again (he felt vulnerable with his feelings before) and that needed to come through hanging out as friends.

Now I still want to be with him, so I'm not going to hanging out as friends again. I do think I need time to get over him. The thing is, I think once we go back to being friends again, I think I'll start liking him again. I told him that in the future, once I'm over it, I'll be great with being friends, but wouldn't be opposed to being in a relationship with him, but would never be trying to pressure him into it. Here's the problem: I'm worried I might cling onto that hope that I could get back together with him and prolong not being able to get over him. So what should I do? I want to start building up our friendship and trust again, but I also want to make sure I don't get caught up on that one little hope. At the same time, I don't think I'd ever be opposed to being with him again, so how do you eliminate that hope without also eliminating the possibility to be together again? Should I just completely start thinking we'll never be together again? (Yes, reading this now sounds like I'm still hung up on him, oh boy.)

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May Day
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Hey Katiebird, thanks for the update!

Heh wow, that last paragraphy i could have written in December. And now it's nearly July, me and my ex hang out only occasionally and i started dating a new guy in May:P

How you feel now? It probably wont be how you feel in two months time, and two months after that it will be a lot different again.
While it's not the same for everyone, i think time is the constant variable: it definitely takes time to change. A lot of it wont be you deciding not to think about him anymore, it'll be you just doing other stuff and his part in your life will get smaller and less urgent.

I was i guess holding on to "we'll get together again" in the back of my mind, and i knew that's what i was doing and couldn't really help it. I did remind myself that right here and now is the wrong time for us. For me, the hope that we'll get back together has gradually calmed down and I'm a bit "*shrug* maybe in the future, not a big deal now though" about it:P It wasn't me consiously moving on, it happened by itself.

My advice is to feel how you feel but keep the distance. Do other stuff, see other friends, don't hang out with him. If you see each other at social events, be friendly, have chats, then have chats with other people.
You guys have all the time in the world to get to know each other as friends again, so there's no rush:) Give yourself plenty of space to move on how you move on.

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katiebird
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I understand (the part about feeling one way one day and then completely different another). I'd like to think I have a bit more foresight with this kind of thing because I've had two relationships before - one where I was the dumper and the dumpee - and in both we said we wanted to be friends and that just never panned out. I might talk to them once every blue moon. The thing with this relationship (and I don't know, maybe we just say this with all of them, just like I did with previous ones) is that I really do think I want to be friends with him after. We only dated for 3 months, were really close for a month before starting to date, and he's just the friend that I've always wished I could have. I think he's a very inspirational, motivational, and hardworking, social person. Most of the friends I've made in school are great - but they're not into community service (I am) and they're a bit more reserved/homebodies. And he's just someone I think fits really well as friends with me.

So, I guess I'm saying I know I won't have the same feelings once I'm over the relationship and accept it - but I also am just scared to lose him as a friend, and to have that usual thing where you say you'll be friends and then it never happens. Because this time, I think it should happen.

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katiebird
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Also, (dang it sorry for double posting, time elapsed for editing again!) - how do I know when I'm over him? Because it was weird - today I was pretty busy with myself and I went rock climbing (makes me feel awesome) and I just felt already like I was okay. Like I could go into hanging as friends (I was also probably thinking this because for climbing you need a partner and he's the only friend who could be a partner). Anyway, yeah. He's already over the relationship, and since we were so straightforward with each other, I feel like this transition is going to happen faster and be easier than I expected. Like I'm starting to think, "Yeah we tried a relationship, and we work better as friends, so let's get back to that."
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May Day
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When i broke it off with my first boyfriend, i wanted to stay friends but was hurting a LOT. Had no idea how to even approach it! a friend said that we needed to build up the friendship again from scratch with the knowledge of how the relationship went and how that wasn't right, and with the time to not feel the hurt from the relationship not working. I think that's kinda.. about right. It's pretty hard to reverse your feelings and experiences and backtrack, but it's not so hard to start over (with the handy benefit of hindsight!).

I hope it IS an easy transition for you, as in, i hope it doesn't cause any more hurt. I dunno when you'll be over him, because i don't think being "over" is just *one* step. I think it's more like.. "okay so this aspect is now at rest but there's still all this other stuff to go". A month after my break up, we could hang out and have a great time and i'd go home happy, but later on i'd feel realllllyyyy miserable. It was a bit up and down. Eventually my emotions calmed down a bit, it wasn't so UP then so DOWN, it evened out. That's how i noticed me getting over him, that his presence or lack of presence wasn't dictating how i felt. Sure, i definitely perk up when we hang out, but i do that with all my friends, and i *don't* get disappointed when i don't get to see him.
I've had people say "you're over them when you can watch them snog their new lover and not feel personally hurt by it". To be honest.. that's not something i really feel like seeing, and i'm pretty over my ex:P

I definitely think getting over someone is easier when you're busy doing stuff you love, including relaxing (that counts as busy right..? [Razz] ).

As far as still be friends? Don't count your turtles before they hatch:) If you wanna be friends, it can happen.

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May Day
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Oh, i suppose this *might* be useful: mutual friends. If you have them, there's the option that you'll all spend time together occasionally:)
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katiebird
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Thanks so much May Day for all your help! I think I can finally just start working towards feeling good about this. And yes I understand what you mean by getting over someone - there definitely are steps and you can feel yourself progressing through each.

Well, we do sort of have some mutual friends - we both kind of met this group of people at the same time while we were friends at school. Here back at home though he has a group that I don't know that well and he spends a lot of time with. I feel like once we're back at school will be the time we start hanging with each other more again. He seems more closer with the group at school than me, but there's this one that's in a club with me at school, and all three of us like to rock climb. So, yeah, we'll hang out eventually probably but I'm not going to wonder about it.

Right now I think I'm probably talking to him too much. I already kind of decided that I'm over him in the kind of way of getting over the first step. Yesterday I asked him about climbing via text and today about running. I think he could be getting irritated with it.

[ 07-01-2010, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: katiebird ]

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