Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » he's into it, i'm not.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: he's into it, i'm not.
*a_dream_in_aqua*
Activist
Member # 40666

Icon 13 posted      Profile for *a_dream_in_aqua*         Edit/Delete Post 
A few months ago, my boyfriend and I wanted to try something new in our relationship. I knew that he had watched porn before but regretted doing it because he felt like he wasn't being faithful to me. (Let me just add that we are both of legal age for our area I am not talking about anything deviant in porn.) I told him that I'd like to give it a shot and see what it was exactly that he was interested in getting out of the videos. For a while, I didn't mind watching it with him. It was a rush, although at times it was incredibly awkward: There are two strangers on screen doing intimate things that are usually done in the privacy of their own home. He told me that what he enjoyed in these videos were things that reminded him of our love life. He and I go to school 2 hours apart and so when we are missing each other physically, he would look at that and send me links that he thought I would enjoy. Well, some of the links he sent me provoked the complete opposite response. I consider myself a very open person and I think that people are free to do whatever they want to do-but there are just some things that I am not into. (I know that you're not supposed to be too explicit here, so I won't go into detail about what I don't enjoy.) There are many parts of the porn industry that I feel have normalized some sexual acts that I don't find to be normal or healthy and safe. In watching some of these acts, my boyfriend has asked me if I would want to take part in those things and I told him I didn't. I'm worried that he might try to alter our love life to match that of porn (which is all constructed.). I've since come to terms with how I feel about the industry and I do not support it at this point in time. I do not like that there are multiple instances where women are degraded and where women choose to participate in activities I don't personally enjoy. He doesn't mind these things when watching a video. Well, he does not watch anything that degrades women--I can attest to this. However, he believes that "so long as the female is enjoying the pleasure, then it's fair game" but I've told him (from research I have looked up) that most of what he views is constructed. It's not even real. He's not addicted to it, and we've both stopped watching it but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from. I consider myself a strong individual who looks critically at how females are portrayed in the media. But porn has made me feel like I am not good enough. (Not anymore, don't worry! I no longer struggle with this feeling!) I've told him that no matter how much he tries to falsify that feeling I have, I still have that feeling. I really wish that he had never watched some of the things he has because I don't want him to get any ideas thinking that I'd be okay with modeling our love life after that.

I just wanted to sound off on that. I guess my question is, even though I know that he is more "tolerant" of some sexual fetishes/depictions, I'm not. How can we work with each other to understand where we are both coming from? I know that we may never agree but I want to be able to respect his beliefs and I want him to be able to respect mine. How can we do this?

--------------------
Knowlege IS Power.

Posts: 60 | From: MA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Big questions! But of course, you know that. [Smile]

I think most of this comes down to talking about fantasy vs. reality. In other words, his porn use is likely to be mostly about fantasy, as most people's is. By all means, in any kind of fantasy -- whether we're talking about porn, the twilight series or the Lord of the Rings films -- a lot of what is going on is constructed and isn't about reality, mostly because it's not supposed to be.

Intelligent, thoughtful people don't IME, expect what happens in porn to be what happens in their real-life sex lives. They may want to get ideas for some new things to try they hadn't thought of before, but we could all get ideas for new things anywhere and everywhere, and just like if they came from anywhere else, we can ask partners about them, who can always say yes, no or maybe. If we're good partners, we're always accepting that any given partner may not want to try what we do and are okay with that unless what we want to do or try feels big enough to our sexuality that we're facing a strong sexual incompatibility.

Of course, the only "normal" in sex really is diversity. In other words, there are so many different things so many different people like, that I do want to caution you in terms of what you feel is "normal." Safety is something we can talk about more clearly. Normal is...well, usually normal is just what any given person or group of people find normal for them, which may or may not be someone else's normal at all.

So, might you two be able to talk about this from that perspective, with him acknowledging that much of this is fantasy and you also accepting that it is?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
One extra quickie:

quote:
I do not like that there are multiple instances where women are degraded and where women choose to participate in activities I don't personally enjoy.
Can you explain that to me a bit more, specifically how it impacts how you feel about the industry?

I ask that because a) in every industry (not defending the porn industry, just sayin') there will be people doing things that we don't enjoy or aren't about us, just like in ALL of the film or TV industry, in the food industry, etc. and b) because our partners may very well sexually fantasize about things we don't enjoy personally, or vice-versa. Part of having a sexual fantasy life often does involve fantasizing about things we can't or wouldn't do IRL, or which partners can't or wouldn't do.

[ 05-16-2010, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
*a_dream_in_aqua*
Activist
Member # 40666

Icon 1 posted      Profile for *a_dream_in_aqua*         Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I feel like it is a common fantasy among pornography for women to be degraded in how they perform sexual acts and what they allow to be done to them. (Is that clear enough? I'm trying to say what I want to say without being explicit..haha) I think that a lot of what I've found with mainstream porn is that a common fantasy is portrayed in which the women are usually the ones in the submissive role. When I say that women choose to participate in these activities, I'm saying that they have made an active choice to engage in whatever activities theyre in (including degrading activities) and that's fine. I believe that everyone has the right to do whatever they want with his/her own body. However, I find it saddening that some of these women would choose to do degrading things to their bodies. It's true that I don't know them or know why they have made the choices they have made and I can't speak for them on that subject. My concern is that the fantasies played out in pornography may not have even been a thought to some viewers but then when it's constantly being thrown in the viewer's face, it's become normalized.

I guess I'm just a bit disappointed that he fantasizes in things that I don't enjoy nor do I think I would ever enjoy. I'd like for us to want the same things but finding this out was pretty disappointing. I guess I'm just angry because I don't understand why it would be a fantasy of his in the first place...but there's nothing I can do to change that. Certainly I don't want to reject him for who he is nor do I want to make him feel bad about it.

A great site I think you would like about this topic is :
www.makelovenotporn.com

It's about separating fact from fiction!

--------------------
Knowlege IS Power.

Posts: 60 | From: MA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think the thing to understand with submission is that a) some people (of any gender) who are into submission play don't find the things you find degrading degrading or b) if and when they do, that's part of their enjoyment of those activities, because it's part of their submission in their heads.

I do disagree that things in porn aren't otherwise in people's heads: they started there to get there, after all. For sure, the heads they are coming from tend to be more about who wants to SEE someone than do something, but it's tough to think of anything sexual in porn that didn't occur out side of it before, even if some of the dynamics would automatically be different because a) there's a camera there and b) it is written and acted as fantasy. Know what I mean?

I also think it's probably sound to make sure that you're aware that in any scene, everyone involved is a doer, not just women. In other words, whatever women are doing in that porn, unless they are doing it alone, the other men or women involved are doing it, too.

That all said, I hear you, and I think you get to feel however you feel about this, and there is validity in those feelings. (I've heard from the woman who does that site in the past, too: while some of the ed she is giving is off in some ways, I agree, it's a cool project.)

Again, I think you might be helped by understanding that fantasy is separate from reality, and that he may fantasize about what he does with or without porn, just like you might. Now, maybe at this point in your life you only fantasize about things you two do or would do, but you might not always be that way. Part of what people tend to enjoy in fantasy is exactly that some of it isn't something they'd bring into real life: that's part of what a lot of people find freeing about fantasy, whether we're talking about sexual fantasy or some other kind altogether.

It's so hard to say why anyone has the fantasies they do, but chances are good that any given person's fantasies have roots that are deeper than just a given thing that echoed or suggested that fantasy. Sometimes things aren't always as literal as they may seem, either: for instance, all the details in a given fantasy may be less relevant to what dynamic or emotional tone they create.

By all means, you could certainly talk together about what he likes in all of this, but I'd try to have those conversations (if you are going to), without judgment. In other words, I understand you feel disappointed, but again, you're not likely to find a single sexual partner whose fantasy life aligns perfectly with you or your actual lives. That'd kind of make it...well, not really fantasy at all anymore. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
*a_dream_in_aqua*
Activist
Member # 40666

Icon 1 posted      Profile for *a_dream_in_aqua*         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, that makes sense. I understand better now what and why fantasies occur. I think I also just feel like we've been together for so long and he didn't have some of the fantasies he has now when we first met. I think he found them out through porn. And like, that's fine, I can accept that but I can't help but feel like I'm not doing enough then for him physically if he's turning to fantasy videos. Does that make sense??

--------------------
Knowlege IS Power.

Posts: 60 | From: MA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
He may have found them there, he may not have. But few of us will have the same kinds of sexual fantasy throughout all of our lives, and it's important to remember that in the teens and twenties, we're really just beginning in our sexuality. So, with a whole lot of sexuality during those years, something that was one way one year may be totally different the next.

I hear how you're feeling, but hat I'd encourage you to do is to bear in mind that again, fantasy is different from reality, and that even if a given partner was doing absolutely everything we liked and wanted sexually, we would probably STILL have a fantasy life in some respect, and it's likely that at least some aspect of that would not include them, or be something we even WANTED to have include them.

Again, I don't know about your own fantasy life, but if so far it only includes your partner and no one else, is only about him or only about the things you two do, know that probably will not always be the case, with this partner or others.

Here's the biggie, though: you're not supposed to be a real-life partners fantasy: you're supposed to be their reality. [Smile] Trying to live up to their fantasy shouldn't be something you have to do, and is also something you want to try and separate yourself from per any way you'd try to do that. Not only is it often not possible, and might that not really be authentic for you, in some ways, it's also a bit like trying to co-opt something that's his and for him by himself and make it yours. Do you know what I mean by that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3