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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » introducing the parents to the boyfriend...

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Author Topic: introducing the parents to the boyfriend...
Member # 46412

Icon 9 posted      Profile for grumpy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have a very stereotypically strict, old-school mother and a very laid back father.

I'm 18, almost 19, and he is 23. I read the age gap guide in this forum and I honestly feel like it's a fair relationship, especially because we're in the same place in life despite his being older. I'm second year uni and he's starting a new major at college, and we're both still working entry-level retail jobs. I have no doubt that this is a healthy, non-exploitative relationship, there's nothing that says to me otherwise...the problem is convincing my very strict mother of that.

I have a little while to chew on this, since right now he's going to college in the Ohio (only a short drive away from me in Ontario) and he's not coming for a visit until August or September. My mom is already alright with the idea of me dating another student. Not ecstatic, but alright.

I don't like the thought of being dishonest with my parents, and I want them to meet him as soon as possible and see what a good guy he is and how much I care about him. I just feel like if I mention his age my mom will immediately just shut down and ignore the fact that our relationship is stable, healthy and responsible. I think the fact that we're both post-seconary students is more important than the actual age, since there's not a drastic difference in expereinces between us.

My parents had a much wider age gap, with my mom being 22 and my dad 37 at the time. Despite that, I don't feel like she would be understanding at all...

I'm just really confused and not sure how I'm supposed to do. I really don't want to lose my mom's approval because I have a good relationship with her. But at the same time I'm old enough to make good decisions on my own, and I don't want to have to sacrifice my relationship because my mom doesn't trust my (so far, very good) judgment. And if I made the wrong choice, so be it. Mistakes are a part of growing up. My mom just doesn't seem to want to allow me to make any...

I could really use some advice, I feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do. [Frown]

Posts: 7 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43186

Icon 1 posted      Profile for TheTasteOfPurple     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That sounds like a sticky situation. I honestly wouldn't be sure how to handle it, either. Personally, I don't think that four years is really that big of an age gap at the ages you both are (then again, I've been in/around more healthy age-disparate relationships than a lot of people have, so I might have a slightly different point of view.)

Is his age something that will come up in conversation with your parents before they meet him? If not, do you feel like it would compromise your integrity just not to bring it up before they meet him and have a chance to talk to him? It seems like you can honestly say that it didn't seem important to you.

If you feel like it would be dishonest not to tell your parents how old your boyfriend is as soon as possible, or if it will be an awkward issue to steer around in conversation, have you tried sitting her down and telling her that you're frustrated by her seeming not to trust your judgment, and reassuring her that you are taking this seriously and know your relationship isn't unhealthy or exploitative.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

Posts: 50 | From: Halfway down the California coast | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46412

Icon 1 posted      Profile for grumpy     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think your first suggestion might be better, just allowing them to meet him and talk with him before they make their judgments. I feel like if I immediately bring up his age my mum would flip out and just assume that he's exploiting me even though it's not like that, lol.

It might be slightly disingenous to say that he's just another undergrad like me, but I honestly think it would go over so much better since the age really isn't a huge factor in our relationship.

I've tried your second suggestion before about situations other than boyfriends, but it doesn't really seem to stick. I think she's just very used to seeing me as a child who is constantly in need of her guidance. Not like I never do, but just this isn't one of those times.

Posts: 7 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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