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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » sorting out some thoughts...

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Author Topic: sorting out some thoughts...
Member # 29737

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I've been with my bf for a little over three years now. I love him a lot and for the most part we have a great relationship and he is one of my best friends. There are of course things I dislike about him, and we've had our issues but none of them are really major and we've been able to work through them all. We have both just finished up our 4th year of university and will both be taking a 5th year.
Issue 1: Neither of us think of this relationship in the long term. Neither of us have any interest to move in together or think about a future together. Even if we wanted to try to continue our relationship after graduation next year it would be iffy. I want to travel, and neither of us know where we will end up working, and neither of us are willing to give up our life plans or career goals to move closer to each other. So even if we did decide we did not want to break up indefinitely after graduation, we would at least have to break it off for a couple years. Long distance is hard enough, long distance with only a maybe we want to stay together is even harder.

Issue 2: I'm not sure that a monogamous relationship style is for me. I don't get overly jealous and value the unique things about different kinds of relationships. However, I don't know for sure that I would be comfortable in a polyamourous relationship, but it is definitely something I would like to explore, my current bf is not interested in this kind of relationship model.

So do I stay with him for another year, when we know we will at least have to break up for a few years at least, or do I break up with him now and have the opportunity to explore different relationships in my last year of university? I love him a lot and a break up would be really upsetting to us both, but it might be what is right for now.

Also, I know this seems kind of silly, and I hate to say it but I am very involved with student politics at university, and have just won an important position for next year. This will involve a very busy work and social schedule. My bf is not a great date, he like to meet new people and make friends but he is a poor conversationalist and bad in social situations. I worry that if we don't go to the things I need to go to together we will barely see each other, but I also am not able to spend the whole night with him, or else worry that he is just sitting in the corner alone looking bored. This wouldn't be a deciding factor in the breakup, but i see it as something that could affect the amount of time we spend together (which will already be limited) and something that is kind of frustrating to me (but nobodys perfect, I don't hold it against him).

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on the situation? I love him so much, I just don't know if our relationship is right for right now, but we will both be devastated if its over, but it will be over in a year anyways and we are both aware of that. And I just feel that University is a great time to experiment with relationship models because there are so many great social opportunities. The thought of breaking up with him makes me feel sick, but the thought of staying with him makes me feel a little antsy.
I'm just really confused

Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You were actually voicing some similar things over a year ago, here:

So, it seems like you've kept some substantial reservations about this relationship for some time now.

Ultimately, it sounds to me, based on this post and in part on the other, like you just might be getting to the point where you have potentially outgrown this relationship. That may or may not be the case, it's going to be your call, but it certainly happens often enough, especially during the teens and twenties. As well, sometimes we can stick with things because they're familiar to us and that familiarity can be as tough to walk away from as feelings of love are.

I'm not sure I really understand staying together for a planned year with a plan to split after that, unless a spit is something unavoidable and a relationship is an alarmingly great experience for everyone otherwise, you know? And I also hear you saying things that kind of sound to me like you might be looking for someone to tell you making the choices you want to are okay: if so, whatever they are, they're okay.

Clearly, the two of you have kept in great communication about all of this, so it sounds to me like whatever choices you make, this is likely to be amicable. A breakup will probably be a big change to you both, and an end of one part of your relationship, but it sounds likely you'll be able to be friends fairly easily if that's something you want.

In your heart of hearts, what do YOU think would be right for you now?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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