Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Abusive parents + secret boyfriend = ???

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Abusive parents + secret boyfriend = ???
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Trying to keep a long and somewhat complicated story short, I've been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months now. It started innocently that we were just talking online, but it turned into something more over time. Our relationship started as a long distance relationship but we have met up and been together twice in person for a couple of weeks total and we both consider this as a serious relationship. After he's done grad/professional school, and gets his license he's moving to my state to be with me.

I'm currently away at college about 2 hours from my family. They don't know that I've been seeing someone, well they been having suspicions about it [and they're oh so wrong about who I'm dating]. My family is/has been abusive to me.

Currently at home, it consists of my mother, father, younger sister, and grandmother. As long as I can remember, my family has always been dysfunctional. My father would abuse me by hitting me, beating me up, death threats, and verbal threats about beating me up, kicking me out, killing me, etc. My mother would also beat me up, hit me, minus the death threats. While the abuse from my father happens, she does not attempt to stop it from happening, more than once she has walked out alone and stayed at a hotel leaving the my sister, grandmother and I to deal with his wrath.

I will have to deal with this again when I go back home after I'm finished college this semester.

Recently, my mother and sister have been snooping around [specifically on facebook, i know.] and since I have my sister on a restricted list she cannot see "all the good stuff," on my facebook profile. They have issues respecting my privacy, as this is not the first time they have done something like this.

I am planning to move in with my boyfriend when he comes to my state after he's finished with school/getting his license. The twist is that he's 12 years older than me and I don't know how to introduce him to my parents without them going all BERSERK on me and without death threats on my life/destroying the house/etc. My boyfriend already understands my situation as he grew up in a similar household. He wants to talk/discuss to my parents in person [The earliest time he can move here is in about 3 months, give or a take.] If it was up to me, I would have "broken up" my relationship to my parents but my boyfriend is vehemently against that idea because of his estranged relationship to his parents.

So much for keeping this short. The tl;dr version is, how do I introduce my boyfriend to my parents and tell them I'm moving in with them without it all blowing up in my face [and/or getting me killed.]

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can I suggest you don't go back home at the end of the semester? NOT because of the relationship, but because we are ALWAYS going to advise that our users do not return to abusive relationships or settings?

I would not suggest worrying about introducing your boyfriend to them right now: I think working on getting away from the abuse and doing all you can to get and stay safe is what's most important here.

What your boyfriend thinks about what you should do with your family based on his family relationship honestly isn't relevant, and I would not suggest letting his opinions and projections inform your choices about your family. It's his job to manage his own feelings and understand that his family is not your family, and his feelings about his family relationship and what he wants for it shouldn't impact yours, especially when you are in danger. I'd expect at least that level of maturity and self-awareness from someone who has 12 years on you.

What a caring partner should be doing is making clear they will support you in what YOU need to do, in your situation, that both keeps you as safe as possible and also is what you feel is what you want and best for you.

[ 04-11-2010, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The only possible way right now for me to not go back home at the end of the semester is either take summer courses, trust me if I didn't need to go home, I wouldn't. [of course money is an issue, plus the earliest courses don't start until early june, I need to stay somewhere for at least 2 weeks before classes start.] or another thing I discussed with my boyfriend is that I could stay with him until he gets his license [right now, it looks like it could be anywhere from 2-6 weeks after I'm this semester.] Of course money will also be a slight issue again, but less so since a plane ticket costs less for room and board and however many courses I'd be taking during the summer. I have a tiiiiiiny income to support myself if it comes to that and none of the above plans will work.

While don't know how my parents will react, I know that my boyfriend regardless how he feels about my relationship towards my parents, he says he will back me 100% with whatever I decide to do. If they get violent/ignorant/impossible to talk to, then we will back off and take it from there.

What would you suggest in getting away from the abuse if I can't stay with my boyfriend or stay at school during the summer?

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sparkles: I'm just packing it in for the day, but I'll come back first thing in the morning and leave you some ideas.

I understand how tough it can be some times to find somewhere other than an abusive home to stay, but let's see if we can't come up with something.

I just think until you deal with getting OUT of the abusive situation, it doesn't make sense to think about doing something potentially likely to increase it, okay? I'm sure your boyfriend would understand waiting on an introduction to put your safety first.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi SparklesandBubbles, I have an idea for finding a place to live for those two weeks. I don't know which university you're at in NJ, but if you're at a big enough place (or even a smaller one), you could try these.

At my tiny college, international students would either stay with a friend, housesit for a professor, or live in a hostel-like place in the basement of a building on campus. You could check with Residence Life if your uni has anything like that. You could also even explain your situation to someone there, if you get that chance, not necessarily going into details but explaining that you are looking for a place to stay for those two weeks and seeing what options they may have. For example, there are sometimes "friendship families" like a senior citizen who lives alone and likes having occasional live-in company of uni students.

At a larger place, like where my sister went, on-campus housing was at a premium so most people had to live off-campus starting their sophomore year. However, while uni was just Fall and Spring semester, their leases were year-round. Four people would share an apartment making the rent an affordable $350/month or so, but $700 is a pain to have to pay if you're not living there. People would try to sublet their places in the summer (at reduced prices) although there was always a surplus of housing for people there in the summer. If you're at a place like that, you may well be able to find something. (And you could get a part-time job to pay for rent.) If you were my friend or a friend or a friend, I'd probably let you stay at my place for free (as long as I trusted you) or for a minimal amount. Speaking of friends, might you be able to stay with one for awhile? Some work-study jobs also include free room. If you're active at a church or other place of worship, I'm sure they could help find you a place to stay.

I believe you have a lot of options but it's just finding one that works. The alternative of staying with your family sounds pretty horrible, so I implore you to find something else! If I may ask, what license is your boyfriend working towards? And, like Heather, I really think it's important that your boyfriend respect your [very strained] relationship with your family; plus, I admit I'm a bit confused: you're no longer a minor, so what does he want to "discuss" with them?

Good luck with your housing search! [Smile]

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you Heather, I really appreciate your help. :]

The thing is that I have already postponed informing my parents that I am in a relationship [my first nonetheless, and man my relationship with my boyfriend looks so bad on paper/in print, or at least how it started.] Honestly, if it was up to me, I would probably never tell them. Practically, almost all of my friends back at home and at college know about my boyfriend. The only people who don't know are the people that are associated with my family and my family themselves.

I am still financially tied to them. They're keeping my cash that I saved up at home from before college hostage, hidden somewhere. [Who knows if it actually exists anymore, my parents especially my father, has issues with money, i.e. gambling problems.] My student loans are co-signed by my parents, they also pay the interest on one of them. My bank account is a shared student account with my mother and she keeps vigilant over it and questioning every purchase I make [For example, I make a purchase to get a metrocard in NYC, then she questions my whereabouts, who I'm with, what I'm doing, then jumping to incorrect conclusions etc.], along with her taking out money from this account if she think there is too much cash in it, which is funded by refunds from my college/work-study funds, makes me stressed out from time to time. She has also over drafted from this bank account once because she was paying bills from this account instead of her own.

Ecofem, that's an interesting idea that I haven't looked into yet. I'll check with Residence life and see if my college has an option like that. Most of my closer friends are back home, and I honestly don't feel safe going back under that type of circumstance. Sadly, my work study job doesn't offer free board. Sharing an apt. would be another idea as long as the area is still near the campus/university area. The city my college is located at is notorious for being dangerous off-campus.

My boyfriend is working towards a medical license. I believe that he does respect my relationship with my family and he doesn't want to see me get hurt, but he doesn't want to see me end up isolated from his family in a situation like his own family [in my opinion, he was in a MUCH worse situation than my own].

I guess "discuss" wasn't the correct word to use, I would say it is more like reassure them that I'm not going to get kidnapped, raped, murdered, etc. [oh the irony.] and that this is a serious relationship and that we're going to be in for the long haul. [Razz]

Thank you both for the ideas and advice you've given me :]

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi SparklesandBubbles,

I must say that step 1 here should be setting up a bank account (preferably with a relatively big regional/national bank since you're likely to move soon) that your parents have no access to. While it's one thing for your parents to be helping with student loans, at this point, you really should be doing your own banking and setting your own budget. Too, breaking as many financial ties with abusers as possible is really key to getting away. It also really does not sound like your parents are financially responsible enough to be entrusted with your finances as well as your own. Also make sure you set up online banking (even if you have to pay a small fee)--it'll be worth it if you're moving around and don't have a permanent address for them to send statements to.

Odds are high you're going to end up picking up the bill for all of your student loans. I know that may be really scary, but there's always a chance that your parents will stop paying because they're upset at you, and then they'll ruin *your* credit.

So, step 1 in any plan to get away from this abuse is to separate yourself financially. The money you left at home might end up getting lost in all of this.

I'd also like to mention that it's not really useful to think of whose family situation is "worse." Your parents have been violent and emotionally abusive--that's really bad. Odds are high that with this sort of dynamic, little to no contact between you and your parents will be *a lot* less painful and stressful than what's happening now. Given a choice between being isolated and being abused, being isolated is often the best option.

So, do you think you can talk to people at your college and look into setting up your own bank account (and setting things up so that money gets deposited there instead of elsewhere)?

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Looks like Lena and atm1 already did a great job getting you started!

I'd concur with what both have said, all around.

One thing I want to respond to before I say anything else is this:

[quote] The city my college is located at is notorious for being dangerous off-campus.[/quote}

The thing is, your HOME is dangerous already. Certainly, it's a danger you know, but based on what you have described, it is a very unsafe place, more unsafe than any city in the states is. For sure, when we choose where to live in cities, if we live in cities, we want to pick neighborhoods that are as safe as we can get, and then take safety precautions, but seriously, bad things can happen everywhere. As someone who grew up primarily urban, including living in one of the worst neighborhoods of Chicago, my personal experience is that the two times I was assaulted in my life happened in suburbs and then for me, like for you, there were some years where it was safer for me to sleep on a park bench than at my own home. If your emphasis is on getting you safe, getting you out of that house has to be priority one: it's strongly unsafe.

I agree that a bank account is a great and easy step to start with. I'd also suggest you find a guidance counselor and financial aid person at your college to talk with and that you be honest about the situation with your parents. (I'd also agree that you need to figure you will be paying off your own loans, if not now, soon enough.)

A guidance counselor can fill you in on some options that may be available with living situations for the summer.

Other options besides what Lena suggested are things like getting a live-in nanny job, looking into working at sleepover summer camps or seeing if there might be any jobs or internships that involve travel and board. Shelter systems are likely not going to be options for you since you're not a minor, so you going home is basically totally elective.

I'll be honest: one thing I'd not suggest is speeding up any moving in with your boyfriend. Having only seen one another a couple of times in person now and going right into cohabitating would be seriously rushing things, and what I'd hate to see is you finding yourself stuck in yet another bad living situation. Not saying it would be like that, but without having spent more time around someone in-person, it's a pretty big questions mark.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by SparklesandBubbles:
Ecofem, that's an interesting idea that I haven't looked into yet. I'll check with Residence life and see if my college has an option like that. Most of my closer friends are back home, and I honestly don't feel safe going back under that type of circumstance. Sadly, my work study job doesn't offer free board. Sharing an apt. would be another idea as long as the area is still near the campus/university area. The city my college is located at is notorious for being dangerous off-campus.

Heather addressed the safety issue in great detail but I'll also mention this: I think it might help to also make more friend connections at college. I know it can take awhile and it's good to keep up with old friends at home, too, but it can be nice to have local support, too. [Smile] I really hope ResLife can help you find something-- as a former RA, I can say that that's what they're there for!

quote:
My boyfriend is working towards a medical license. I believe that he does respect my relationship with my family and he doesn't want to see me get hurt, but he doesn't want to see me end up isolated from his family in a situation like his own family [in my opinion, he was in a MUCH worse situation than my own].
Others have also already addressed this, but I think it's important that he respect your call there. (After all, if he misses his family, he can always try to reach out to certain people and patch up things if and where he can. [Smile] ) Like others have said, your family sounds very abusive and I can't imagine much worse in terms of your physical and emotional safety at risk! (I don't say that to make you feel bad but just to express my support!) However, it's not really a contest because a bad situation is a bad situation.

quote:
I guess "discuss" wasn't the correct word to use, I would say it is more like reassure them that I'm not going to get kidnapped, raped, murdered, etc. [oh the irony.] and that this is a serious relationship and that we're going to be in for the long haul. [Razz]
OK, I see what you mean better now: thanks for the example and I hear you on the irony! It may just be that I come from a different background, but my family views my relationships as being valid/weighty based on what I tell them rather than what a partner might, but I know there are different strokes for different folks. Also, as a teen, my parents had a pretty laissez-faire approach to my relationships (minus an abusive one they stepped in on) where they trusted me: as my mom always said, "You can't really judge someone's character by a quick meeting: it's how they act over time that proves they're good, trustworthy people." I know you have your own take on things, but I just wanted to put it out there to think about. [Smile] Of course, even in a family where such first meetings are important, the family has to be open to the person and relationship: otherwise, it's pretty much a guarantee for things to go badly, unfortunately.

Again, good luck with finding summer housing and work opps! Also, here's a thread you may find helpful in setting stuff up: Pioneering Your Adult Life

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, I want to thank you all for the excellent advice. I finally got a chance to read all of it over. End of the semester + college exams = no free time at all.

I am planning to close my current student bank account, and then reopening it only under my name this time. I have other options to bank at but this bank fits my needs the best, plus it has awesome hours so I can actually go deposit my check on a Friday afternoon, after work,and it's open 7 days a week unlike most banks around here. I also believe that the bank that I'm using right now has online banking for free? I'm not sure how to go about using it besides checking my balance all the time. I also get a physical check in my hand, since i opted out of doing a direct deposit.

@Heather, I understand where you are coming from. For some reason, I associate the danger of living in the city [something that I am unfamiliar with], differently from the danger of my home [something that I am sadly, quite familiar with.] Also, the financial aid department at my college is HUGELY lacking. It's quite sad because they seem to be really incompetent and quite unhelpful [regarding things directly towards financial aid anyways].

Maybe I'm just making excuses but honestly, I think I have spent enough time with him over the past 7 months to see if living with him will work out. The time we spent together in person, we were basically inseparable, except for when I had to go to class when he came to visit. [Razz] And if it doesn't, I already have a backup plan for the fall semester since I am already guaranteed housing [I'd actually have to pay a cancellation fee if I don't want to live there during the fall, but I have up to August 1st before then.], and if we REALLY can't stand each other, I always have other options open. Also the fact that he's actually MOVING to NJ, and talking about this for a while now, gives me confidence that this isn't something that hasn't been unplanned or just a fling, kind of thing.

@Ecofem
While I do have friends here at college, most of them are commuter students so I only see them during classes and occasionally, outside of the learning environment. ResLife here has been extremely helpful regarding information about summer housing and such, but unfortunately their resources for off-campus housing is a bit lacking.

I also do believe that he respects my actions towards my family, he stresses the part that I shouldn't totally isolate from my family, but for now it may be the best option. He's leaving the choice up to me, I'm really just looking for his insight on this matter. Your link about Pioneering Your Adult Life is awesome. Your valuable experience in the thread also gives me a different point of view in life [one that I have not experienced before.] along with others. So thank you so much for the link [Big Grin]

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think your ideas about cohabitating are about making excuses, but have you ever lived with a partner before? If not, then I think it may just be that you don't have a good sense of all that can entail, and about how much we really can't know about living with someone without having spent a good deal of time with them in person. Even then there can be some surprises, but without that, that's a LOT of question marks. And occasional visits don't tend to be the best indications, because they're more like finding out how someone is when on vacation, not in daily life.

Someone being willing to move also really doesn't give any information on if you'll live with someone well or not. All that given, I'd suggest you at least consider perhaps trying student housing for a semester first, spending lots of time with each other in person over that semester, then think more seriously about cohabitating when you have way more information and more than just a couple weeks spent in-person together.

That's great you're starting with that move with the bank, and also great you have a backup with student housing.

Just to also check in: right now, until there are other housing options or you're ready for them, do you have a safety plan? In other words, when things look like they may get bad at home, do you have somewhere else you know you can go, have a small bag of your important things you can grab easily, etc. to get out?

[ 04-19-2010, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Just a quick update, I talked to ResLife today and since I have work-study, if I just e-mail someone who deals with the housing stuff, I'll be able to stay up until May 23rd-ish [because the work study money is a use it or lose it, and that's when it expires or something like that]. Give or take a couple of days.

Ideally, I was hoping before that time, I would visit my boyfriend again and stay with him until June-ish, which is when he would be done with all his clinic/tests/whatever else is left that he needs to do. And then we'll be taking a roadtrip back to NJ.

If I'm unable to visit him, and I don't come up with any alternative solutions, I'd have to go back home. I don't really have a safety plan per-say, but what I would probably do is just leave home and ask a friend to pick me up and see if I could stay at their place for a couple of days.

[ 04-21-2010, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: SparklesandBubbles ]

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you want help making a safety plan?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I think that would be a good idea Heather. What exactly would be included in a safety plan?
Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think it would, too.

So, here are your basics: you want to have your most important stuff, one or two friends you KNOW you can rely on to help, and a place or places to go.

With the stuff, what's advised in abusive settings so you can leave fast if you need to is keeping your most important stuff in one place, like in a small bag hidden somewhere you can get at easily and quickly: that'd be things like all your ID and personal paperwork (bank stuff, birth certificate, etc.), keys, anything of extreme value to you that's portable, and a change of clothing. Having a little cash in that bag is also smart.

With the friends, I'd advise checking in with them now, telling them you need to know if they're willing to be on call for you in an unsafe situation you need to get out of, and seeing what each can do. Like, who has a car and can come get you? Who might have a place to stay and can provide you a key? Who might be able to help you out with food and petty cash for a few days, etc? Write those names and numbers down somewhere and put them with that stuff and keep them on your person. Establishing a code word for friends can also be helpful, especially if you may have to call them when anyone abusing you is in the room or can hear.

With places to stay, you want to identify one or two temporary places you know you can go, ideally with no notice, and get into, places which are safe. Knowing where your local domestic violence shelter and police station are, also very helpful.

Also? Figuring out the places in your home where you can't easily be cornered, and can get out of the house from. If a confrontation starts, you can subtly move it in that direction so you can get out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I have some good news.

I managed to close down my old shared bank account and reopened a new one in my name only. Of course my mother was religiously checking my account, so within hours she confronted me about not seeing the shared bank account anymore online. I told her that I closed it and reopened it in my name only, and she kept telling me again and again that I shouldn't of done that, etc, and to add her name back onto my bank account, something about reverse charging. I stuck my ground and told her that I was only keeping this bank account in my name, and that if she wanted to transfer me money, she could do it through the shared savings account [which she made when I was much much younger, it was just never put to use by me].

I have my best friends in mind, and I'm sure that they would understand my situation and pick me up and let me stay with them if needed. All my personal paperwork, like birth certificate, passport, is with my mother, but currently, I have my social security card and drivers license/bank info with me.

Unfortunately, at home, I live in an apt on the 2nd floor so there is only really one way out, which is through the front door. [unless I decide to jump out the window.]

My current plan for this summer right now is that to visit my boyfriend after I'm done my last exam and leave directly from the dorms to the airport and stay with him/help him move when he's done with his tests/classes which should be sometime in June.

I'm also thinking about informing my parents this week that I am not going to be returning after the semester is finished and officially informing them about my relationship with my boyfriend. Any ideas about how to go about doing this?

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That was a heck of a brave, bold move with the bank account and how you addressed your mother: good for you!

With the important papers, might you at least be able to get a chance to photocopy them and have photocopies?

In terms of informing your parents about not returning and talking to them about the boyfriend, how safe do you feel in this? Have you considered that given the abuse in your home, it might be safest for you NOT to tell them until after you have not returned and are not at home where you can be hurt?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't believe that I will be able to get a chance to photocopy it, but if needed, I can order another copy of the birth certificate.

I feel relatively safe about this decision. My boyfriend is giving me his full support, and stands by whatever decision I'm making.

Currently, I am not residing at home since I'm still at school [which is more than 50+ miles from home] for another 2-or so weeks and I am not planning to return before the semester ends. They are coming by the weekend before the semester ends to move my stuff into storage.

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's great your boyfriend is supportive, but unless he is going to be present in the house with you when you talk to them, he's not going to be able to help in keeping you from being hit.

Maybe telling them when they are AT school is your best bet? You could tell an RA, for instance, or someone else, and have someone with you.

Given how this may go down, I'd also not give them anything to be put into storage you may want back easily, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was actually thinking of telling them over the phone, not in person. I know that my boyfriend wants to be with me when I actually tell them, but I'll be visiting him before he actually comes here.

I was also thinking that I would tell my mother first, and then see how it goes from there. I am almost positive that I am not going back before/or after this semester ends. I will be returning home after I help my boyfriend move to NJ and then I will be able to have him as backup once I see them again in person.

If they become violent/want to visit me to confront me about this situation, I would not let them enter the building and inform an RA/Security/Housing Office about the potential abuse. Since from what I understand, they will need permission [from me] to enter the building.

The things that I'm going to have put in storage is probably my chair/tv/ps3 and bedding and clothes, things of that nature. If things don't go well after informing my parents, I'll just check out other options.

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SparklesandBubbles
Neophyte
Member # 46617

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SparklesandBubbles     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, a quick update from my last post.

I ended up telling my mom Wednesday night while I had my boyfriend listening in [he could only hear my responses] and he says it seemed to go pretty well. She tells me that while she cares for my safety, I am on my own when I tell my father [wtf? how is this caring for my safety? :\]

Of course she was a bit shocked that my boyfriend is 12 years older than me, and she is against me visiting my boyfriend but she says I COULD visit him if I brought one of my parents along with me if I went to visit and I could stay at max, for a week. But this would only happen after I go/stay a while at home. I did not tell them I already bought a ticket to visit him right after school is out. And I am still planning to visit him and stay with him until he's finished in June.

Now, she is constantly calling me [to the point it's interfering with my study time and she is using up my minutes] asking me about him, and asking the same questions again, like, "Are you pregnant?, etc."

Posts: 10 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3