posted
I do trust my boyfriend, but in two different ways. I trust him 100% as a best friend, I can tell him anything and know that it will stay between the two of us unless I say otherwise. However, as a boyfriend I trust him about 50%. I trust him completely in both aspects UNTIL we started having sex back in May. We've been together for almost three years now.
I wasn't pressured, it was a mutual decision. He had never ever tried anything with me before the night we had sex. He was always so respectful, so kind and loving. I couldn't have been happier. A couple months after having sex, I started noticing some changes. He's never mistreated me, emotionally or physically. I just noticed he became more of an *******, he temper was quick, and he was inconsiderate of my feelings. He wanted to "play" a lot, meaning doing things he KNEW aggravated me. I'm very mature for my age, I don't find playing around like five year olds very fun. He said I just became a bitch, and took everything so seriously. If anyone has a sense of humor, it's me. I've always been a fun loving, happy person. It's frustrated me for the longest time, and i can't tell him how I feel without him blowing up on me. He has a lot of family problems, I don't know if his new behavior is the result of so much stress. He's one of the most mature people I've ever met, he had to grow up very quickly. I don't know what can make a person purposely want to act so immature, I think he's regressing. Despite his attitude problems, he's always telling me how happy he is with me, how much he loves me and would never want to lose me. However, here's the catch. Since last Summer, I've started noticing changes to my body, as in showing symptoms of various infections. I've been too scared to go to the doctor, if my parents found out I've had sex I will be kicked out of my house and disowned by every member. I would be virtually homeless. I'm 16 now, if I go to the doctor and want to keep it confidential, do I have the right to keep it between me and my doctor?
Also, he was my first. He claimed I was his, and I believe him. I just believe he's cheated on me, so is it possible to develop infections/STD's even if my partner has had no other sexual partner (In any sexual way)?
I know this was all jumbled up, I'm just in a huge mess right now and I desperately need help.
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
First, some STD's can be transfered from mother to child during birth. If you have an infection it does not mean he cheated on you. Second, in most states, once you turn twelve your doctor has to keep things confidential. Third, you and your boyfriend just took a big step. It might be that he now feels comfortable enough to act completely like himself. But maybe not. You should ask if anything is troubling him. Good luck. I hope this was helpful.
Posts: 6 | From: U.S. | Registered: Sep 2008
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Hi extuyqu, I'm sorry to hear you're so feeling the way you are right now about this. I am not there to see for myself but it does sound like something is not right about this relationship, namely in how your boyfriend is treating you. Karyn answered your questions about STIs here so I'm going to focus on your relationship issues, although everything really is interrelated.
I do think you should go to the doctor and you should have your confidentiality: you can just ask your parents to see your family doctor or a GP, then privately explain your situation and worries to the doctor, who can test for your STIs and give you advice. In the mean time, I'd recommend holding off on sex with boyfriend for a number a reasons. First, it's putting your physical safety at risk, like if you were to get kicked out or if you have an STI, and second it's hurting your emotional well-being due to the understandable concern.
Why do you think he may have cheated on you? I can share my thoughts after you've written more but I'd also like you to look at this checklist and please tell me how it applies to your relationship. I care for you and am concerned that you are feeling so bad right now! I don't mean to sound scary or frighten you away but I think some of these things may apply so I'd like to talk about it some more.
quote:Abusive Partner Checklist [] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
Let's work on getting you to a better, happier, healthier place asap. You've already started by posting about your situation here. Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Well, he's not like a terrible person, 90% of the time he's sweet to me. It's just his attitude issues and his negativity that put me down so much.
[] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
Out of the list, that's about all that applies to me. And the first one, about yelling and names, it's not like screaming and insulting. He just raises his voice every so often if I say something he doesn't like, and he's never actually called me anything bad it's just sometimes his jokes are a little too mean. I'm his girlfriend, not one of the guys. I feel like it's my fault because he never use to be like this...
And I think he's cheated on me because I know he was a virgin when we first had sex. We were very good friends before we started dating, I know a lot about him and his family and I'm 99% certain his parents don't have any sort of STI's that could have passed down on him. And it wasn't until a couple months after we started having sex I started noticing symptoms. I know UTI's can happen regardless, but if I show positive for an STI then wouldn't that mean he cheated on me? He had to get it from somewhere.
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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With this issue of concern about infections, I feel like it would be helpful if we had the answers as to whether or not you DID actually have any STIs before we speculated about where they came from, okay?
So, how about you start by making that appointment and getting tested. We can talk about the other issues more in the meantime, but until you have those test results, it doesn't seem sound to me to talk about where infections you may not even have have come from.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Well, I was too embarrassed to say this but I suppose this is really important information. Back in September, I tested positive for genital herpes. However, I did not have it on my mouth. One doctor said I could have gotten it from a number of things, but another doctor said it's strictly skin on skin contact. I've had oral sex with my boyfriend, so why did I only get it on my genitalia? My boyfriend has it, but we've had it about the same time. (I told him and he went to get tested and they said he'd had it for about 6 weeks) which was the same amount of time I'd had the infection. We got tested pretty much the same time because I had an outbreak and told him immediately. I've obviously been faithful, but it would kill me to know I got it from like a bathroom or something and I'm the one who gave it to him when he hasn't cheated. But if I got it from him because he cheated, I'll be one pissed off person. (even though we should have used protection) He swears up and down he didn't cheat, but if one doctor is telling me I could catch it from a toilet seat and another is telling me I got it from sex, do I even have the right to accuse? It's a sticky situation.
He has yet to have an outbreak.
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
So, he has been your only partner for ALL sexual activities, not just for intercourse?
And he says you have been his only partner for ALL sexual activities? Does he by any chance have oral herpes?
Just FYI, you can't get Herpes from a bathroom or a toilet seat. The doctor who told you that TRULY needs more current education on STIs. As well, no test could tell either of you exactly when you got Herpes reliably. So, anyone telling either of you you got it X-weeks ago is likely making very loose estimates that may or may not be at all accurate.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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(Just FYI, you don't need to be embarrassed about having herpes here. Millions of people have herpes, and at Scarleteen we don't view STIs as being different from any other kind of illness.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Yes. He's been my only partner for EVERYTHING. And if he had oral herpes, wouldn't I have gotten it on my mouth from kissing him? I've never noticed any sort of bumps around his mouth, or sores. Now we take extra precautions so that we don't get it on our mouths as well.
So, the only way I could have gotten it was skin on skin contact, which is also the only way he could have gotten it?
Sounds like a cheater to me :/
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Genital herpes is pretty much solely going to be contracted through sexual contact, unless, for example, you did something like shared a just-worn swimsuit someone with genital herpes wore right before you. But cases like that are pretty rare.
There are a few possibilities here:
1) He has oral herpes and you contracted it genitally, then passed it to him genitally. That's possible without also contracting it orally.
2) He was not honest about not having had any sexual partners before you.
3) He has had sex outside your relationship.
Here's the thing: this actually doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me, period. calling you a bitch is verbally abusive. His not managing his own anger around you isn't okay: even if he's having issues at home, he still needs to manage his own anger with other people.
At the very least, you need to be able to have a mature, real talk about all of these things, including a talk where you make clear that the genital herpes (unless we're talking about scenario #1 up there) seems clearly to have been contracted outside the relationship, and you need honesty about that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I guess to me the verbal abuse thing is normal. There has not been one healthy relationship in my family, I grew up around fighting and arguing all the time. All men in my family are total jerks. The women just put up with it, and I guess to me it's normal. I do know I deserve better, it's just the teenage girl in me that doesn't want to let go of my first love, the guy I gave my virginity to, the guy who's become such a huge part of my life.
But last night, after posting this post in fact, he texted me and we had a very long talk. His family experience has been like mine, the men mistreated the women. He called me crying, because his parents were arguing. He said he saw so many things changing about himself, turning him into his dad which was the one person he promised himself he'd never turn in to.
He sounded very severe, telling me he knew I deserved better and he finally realized how mean he really could be to me. I know lies when I hear them, well, 90% of the time. He didn't sound like he was lying at all, and today I saw an obvious improvement. He was a gentleman again, even more so than he was when things were what I considered perfect between us. I know people can front, but it's obvious he loves me and I think, now that all this has happened, it can be a beautiful relationship.
I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that even if he did cheat on me, leaving him would just be the worst decision. Either he's learned, or he's fronting. I just need to find out to be sure, for closure purposes I guess.
Does it sound stupid that even though there's a big chance that he actually did cheat on me and gave me herpes, and/or lied to me about previous sexual experiences that I still want to stay with him because I feel like it's the right thing to do, that he can and already is in the process of changing?
That's a really long question, I hope it makes sense.
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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However normal it is to you, that's still abusive.
If you both come from abusive backgrounds, it's great that he's cultivated some awareness around his behaviour, but it's likely you're both going to need some outside help in changing your behaviour. When abuse feels normal because we grew up with it, we tend to need help learning what IS healthy, and then also learning how to do that and recognize it.
In terms of you asking about whether to leave or stay, I want to make clear there's another option, one that I'd say is the next step to take in any relationship you are considering stay in. That's to talk about this, honestly, openly, and over time, and to see what comes out of those talks. Like I said, it seems like a strong possibility he either was dishonest with you about not having had any sexual partners before (unless he hasn't been honest about having been sexually abused, which is also always a possibility), or has had sex outside the relationship. Especially if the latter is true, herpes not only won't be the only STI you'll be at risk at, I don't know how you could cultivate a healthy relationship with a big fat lie in it, you know?
So, why not start talking about all of this, see how he responds, see if you can't get to what the truth is, then make a decision? At the same time, I'd encourage you to also consider if this is going to be a healthy relationship for you, and also talk about what you two can each do -- especially on his part -- to get help with that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I do feel a lot better, thank you so much for helping. I had no one else to talk to, my friends would disown me just as quickly as my family would because they're totally against sex at this age.
(even though it's legal)
Posts: 10 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2010
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Glad to have been of help, and we're here if you need or want to come back and talk more after you have these conversations.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63263 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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