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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend Frustrations..

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Author Topic: Boyfriend Frustrations..
Member # 46178

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Alright, so here we go. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half. We have known each other for about 9 years and have always been friends. Hes funny, goofy, cares about me and knows me more than anyone. Hes literally my best friend, which is a good thing, right? I dunno. He really wants to make me happy..but.
He makes these almost racist comments. His close friend is black, and gay, and one of the sweetest guys ever. But, apparantly, the steriotypical black person is loud, annoying, mean, and genuinely stupid. According to my boyfriend anyway.. he claims there are "exceptions" but very few. Hes told me before that hed be really upset if I ever dated a black guy if him and I ever broke up.. (part of this I think comes from the fact that one of my extremely close friends is a black male.) Ive told him before that if him and I were to get married and have children, I dont care if they date black kids, or mexican kids, a different race from white. To him thats horrifying.. Sometimes it seems to get in the way of our relationship because my thoughts on that are so different. All of our other views coincide, we are very much alike. This seems to keep getting in the way! Im not sure how to approach this, or how to make the issue neutral between us. Comments or advice? :/

Posts: 3 | From: South Carolina | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46178

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And on another note.. he seems to be constantly attracted by me. I mean, overly.. everytime im with him, curled up to watch a movie or even just laying next to him, something about me gets him that way. I personally dont want a sexual relationship, weve gotten far enough.. after a pregnancy scare last month I told him I couldnt handle the paranoia. He said okay, I understand..I love you and respect you. And he trys, yah know? I think he is anyway.. but when I go to kiss him, or hold him, he just gets that way. Its affecting our relationship.. I feel like I cant kiss him anymore. He apologizes for it and hes sincere. Have you ever been there? His sex drive is so high its ridiculous.
Posts: 3 | From: South Carolina | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37752

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So basically you let him know that you don't want...any kind of sex that puts you at risk for pregnancy and it seems like he's willfully ignoring that? Like he's willfully ignoring the boundaries you've put up? I think a lot of people have been there, and it doesn't sound like a simple case of "high sex drive." It sounds like a guy who's willfully ignoring your boundaries.
It would be very easy for me, where I'm standing to say, "Dump the racist!" but I know it's not that simple. Can you actually reach him on this issue?

"What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if no one asks to see 'em?"

Posts: 87 | From: Virginia | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
May Day
Member # 39174

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okay first issue: you and your boyfriend having differing attitudes regarding acceptance of diffences in ethnicity and race. KatieKins, your boyfriend's comments are racist, there is no "almost" about it: making assumptions about negative personality traits and intelligence are based on race IS racist.
Comments like that say that the speaker considers non-white people to be inferior and unworthy of respect. It's not cool, ever, and should not be tolerated.

Unfortuately it's often quite difficult to educate people whose prejudices are deeply ingrained. You may want to find a compromise between you, but what if he's disinterested in changing his attitudes? People with irrational prejudices often are. How about having a good sit-and-chat with him about it? asking him rethink his attitudes and be open to change.

If this were me and my relationship, and my efforts to change his perspective had been fruitless, i would defintely consider ending the relationship.

On to your second issue: am i right in saying that what he's doing is trying to engage in "more" than what's happening? As in wanting to go further sexually?
If this is correct, then he is doing a poor job at respecting the boundaries you've stated and is alienating you in continuing (you said that you feel like you can't kiss him any more, this is what i mean by alienating- he's pushing for what he wants with little to no regard for your comfort). He may apologise and do so sincerely for acting like this, but sorry doesn't mean anything if his behaviour isn't changing.
To me, this is sending up red flags, because if he can't respect your boundaries in non-sexual, low-stress situations (like watching a movie), will he respect them in sexual situations? Probably not.
Yes i have been in a similar situation, where my partner (first bf and sexual partner) wouldn't respect my boundaries. He sexually abused me- he didn't stop when i said stop and he ignored my protests.

This is more than a high sex drive (hey, he can still masturbate!), it's being disrespectful and has the potential to escalate to sexual violence.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46178

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Thank you to both of you who answered. Normally when I was upset with something I'd go to him.. but I didnt exactly want to go to him first without thinking things through. I will most certainly sit down with him and talk about whats on my mind. Hes normally open to conversation about things we disagree on so maybe I can get through to him.
Posts: 3 | From: South Carolina | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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