Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.

Topic Closed  Topic Closed
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » my boyfriend is 6 years older then me,.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: my boyfriend is 6 years older then me,.
alynnxx
Neophyte
Member # 37984

Icon 8 posted      Profile for alynnxx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We have been together since september and it was great. he is veryy jelouse. i have alot of guy friend and wheneveer im with them he thinks im cheating.we get in fights liek any ohter couple does butt itss not doing good now because someone told him he saw me get into some kids car and saw the car start rocking. whichh i didnt, but he doesnt believe me.the age difference doesnt really bother me causee ive always gone out with older guy, never that old but older then me. we broke upp andd everything is faling apart. like we still hangout everyday and we are very sexualy active. but he says he doesnt wanna go back out untill he really believes i didnt do it. andd he always teases me when were fightin saying "atleast im not the one who cheated" and it really bothers me. like we really do love eachother butt i just dont knoo how to prove to im that he can trust me.

--------------------
alynn xxo

Posts: 12 | From: USA | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, alynnxx, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. You sound like a kind and loving partner, and you shouldn't have to be going through this.

Jealousy, particularly jealousy as extreme as what he's showing, is not a good thing. He should be able to handle you having male friends, and not doing so shows that he is immature and insecure. Particularly being that much older, he should be able to keep his feelings in check and understand that you have other friends that are male and that you are not sexual with. He shouldn't be getting angry every time you hang out with your other friends. You have the right to hang out with your friends, and him getting angry with you is not cool; it's a way of isolating you from your friends.

On top of that, he should be able to trust you enough to believe you over someone else. Trust is a part of a loving relationship... and so is respect. Which he does not seem to be treating you with. Saying things like "at least I'm not the one who cheated" is manipulative and extremely unkind, and if he truly respected you, he would not treat you like that.

I do not think you need to "prove" that he can trust you, because you have really done nothing wrong and he should be able to understand that that other person was lying.

Also, if you have broken up but still have feelings for him, I really suggest taking a step back from being in close contact with this guy for a while, for at least long enough to get your feelings sorted out and move past it. If you are seeing each other every day and continue to be sexually active together, that's not giving yourself the space you need to move on from the breakup.

And really, I just don't see any reason why you should stay in contact with this guy, even if you were still together. For sure, age-disparate relationships can work out, be a wonderful positive experience for both partners, but for that to happen, there need to be certain things there (I'll specify in a second), and the older partner should be aware of the gap and the dynamics it might cause. The older partner must be mature enough to recognize the potential issues with an age-disparate relationship.

He is not treating you lovingly or respectfully, and it sounds like your relationship wasn't healthy. You deserve to be treated better than he is treating you, and he does not sound like a good person to be around. So please consider cutting off contact with him. I know that you love him, and I understand that this must be a very hard thing to hear, but I'm afraid love can't hold a relationship together on its own. To have a really good, happy relationship, you need trust, respect, communication, as well as love, none of which seems to really be happening from his end.

Here are a few articles I suggest you read. I know it's hard, but please consider what they say:
Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend
Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
The Abusive Partner Checklist

I hope you're doing okay [Smile]

[ 03-04-2010, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To add to Onionpie's sound advice, I also want to make clear that some people have the idea that all couples, or most, get in fights often.

In fact, that's not actually true. It more often tends to be what people tell themselves when there is lots of fighting in their relationships to try and kind of talk away or rationalize fighting.

In healthy relationships there are certainly disagreements, sometimes even small ones often, and when a person or couple is in the midst of a real crisis -- financially, a death or major loss of some kind, a huge life transition -- fights do happen now and then. But in most healthy relationships people really are not fighting, and when it happens, it's rare.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brittanycookie
Activist
Member # 47565

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Brittanycookie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Every relationship I've been in had fights.
All of my friends relationships fight.
I know married couples tht fight.
I don't believe what your saying is true.

Relationships do fight, and to me it all depends on what your willing to go through to be with that person,

Posts: 78 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mma
Activist
Member # 47280

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mma     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
And how's that working out for you, Brittanycookie?

Just because "everybody" does it doesn't mean it's healthy or ideal. You can work toward communication that resolves or addresses disagreements without fighting.

My husband is a wonderful person. So am I. We deserve to take the time to learn healthy communication skills to resolve conflicts without resorting to manipulative, hurtful or disrespectful behavior.

--------------------
http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

Posts: 116 | From: Texas | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 37835

Icon 1 posted      Profile for atm1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Brittanycookie,

While there are *disagreements* within every relationship, fights with yelling are absolutely not healthy.

It's sad but true that there are *many* unhealthy relationships out there.

Here, we work hard to get people to work towards having healthy relationships. We don't like unhealthy behaviors being normalized.

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brittanycookie
Activist
Member # 47565

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Brittanycookie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Most people i know, call a argument/disagreement a fight. so yeahh.
And thats very self centered to call your self a wonderful person.
And I'm still in my relationships even tho we have misunderstands, arguments.
And its working out just fine!

And i just find it hard to believe you and your husband have NEVER raised your voice at each other.
I'm not saying its not possible, I'm just saying it's hard to believe two people are so perfect in a marriage.

Posts: 78 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
naplement
Activist
Member # 46362

Icon 1 posted      Profile for naplement     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think it's not about imagining someone's self better or above everyone other (like, wonderful in the expense of others), but about having a healthy dose of self-respect. One needs to respcet oneself in order to treat oneself well and be able to request respect from the others in their life too. That's what this "wonderful person"-thing means.
Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mma
Activist
Member # 47280

Icon 1 posted      Profile for mma     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Brittanycookie:
And thats very self centered to call your self a wonderful person.

I think you might be confused about the definition of self-centered. It means to be engrossed in one's own affairs or to be selfish. I guarantee that selfish is a word that does not apply to me, sometimes to my own detriment. But I recognize my worth as a person (by the way, you are a wonderful person too, who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect) and also, if I look at myself objectively, I'm pretty great. Regardless, even if I wasn't, I wouldn't deserve to be treated with disrespect.

quote:
Originally posted by Brittanycookie:
And i just find it hard to believe you and your husband have NEVER raised your voice at each other.
I'm not saying its not possible, I'm just saying it's hard to believe two people are so perfect in a marriage.

Whoa, I never said that we've never raised our voice at each other! But we've been together a long, long time, since we were early-mid teenagers. And boy howdy, did we make some mistakes along the way. Perfect is definitely not a word that applies!

But we have invested significant money, time, and emotional energy in learning to communicate in healthy ways. I honestly can't remember the last time one of us yelled in anger (as opposed to calling out across the house or yelping in pain if we bumped our head, etc.). I remember times it did happen, though. And those times are examples of unhealthy behaviors that we both want to avoid. Just because we're not always successful doesn't mean we should stop striving for only healthy behavior.

--------------------
http://www.safeplace.org

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org

Posts: 116 | From: Texas | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, y'all: I'm going to close this thread up. Not only are replies months after it as first posted, and is the OP clearly not longer participating, but as a moderator, it feels to me like it's mostly becoming an acrimonious conversation between two people, rather than replies to the OP.

Just to be clear for Brittany, since you suggested what I was saying was untrue, fights and disagreements are words I would use to describe very different things. To be clear about the difference, a disagreement is something which could certainly turn into a fight, but which also could be resolved differently. Fighting implies something combative, which a disagreement in and of itself is not: a disagreement is simply a place where two people have different ideas or feelings about something.

Hopefully that clears that up, but again, from a moderation standpoint, I think it's best this thread be closed since the OP doesn't seem to be using it, and probably wouldn't at this point as it's been made about people other than herself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Open Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3