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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » thinking about relationships - being wanted vs needed

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Author Topic: thinking about relationships - being wanted vs needed
marigold
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[this comes from the "what's an ideal relationship?" topic, and is putely theoretical, too.]

What do you think about this text? (Or song, if you're into that style - on youtube, you can find an upload under the title "This is totally not copywrite infringement" [Big Grin] )

"I Want You, But I Don't Need You" (http://www.phespirit.info/momus/19970104.htm, [and for making things simpler, let's pretend, that the creepy line after "If your pleasure turned into pain..." isn't part of the text]).

"All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed"...

It's about attachment and dependency, and sometimes it says things that I can completely understand, but on the whole it also feels to me too cold and sad.

The text says "Don't need me to need you to need me/Cos' we're here one minute, the next we're dead/So love me and leave me/But try not to need me", but I'd rather let myself fall deep and get heartbroken after, than having to police my feeling all the time like that. But maybe there is a certain attitude, with which controlling these things doesn't feel like policing...

I think it's also about self-esteem, too: the trick might be believing, that one can be "wanted" even if s/he isn't "needed". But bonding is more complicated than just that.

So, speaking about good relationsips, what do you think about the amount of needing/dependency we can permit ourselves to fall into? Where should we draw the line?

Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Good question! I won't be around anymore tonight but here's a great new article that talks about the difference between love and attachment, which is quite related to what you're saying (but I understand how it's different, too.) I'll ttyl! [Smile]

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/love_growth_fear_other_kinds_of_bigscarywonderful

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marigold
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Ecofem, thanks! Don't threat this as an emergency, trough - I'm at the moment far from a position, that could bring dilemmas like this (noone on the horizont).

--------------------
{*)>>>{

Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by marigold:
[quote]So, speaking about good relationsips, what do you think about the amount of needing/dependency we can permit ourselves to fall into? Where should we draw the line?

I think the only relationship where someone truly "needs" the other is a caretaking situation, such as the one between a baby and its parent/guardian. I can also think of situations where someone "needs" to stay with a partner in order to maintain one's immigration status; however, that's tricky, too.

In terms of a consenting relationship between two (or more) individual adults, I don't think (co-)dependency is really ever a positive thing. Being dependable, however, certainly is important: I would expect to be able to depend (/trust) a partner in a committed relationship, just as I would expect the same in return.

I think the best way to have a relationship that is about wanting-- versus needing or depending-- is to make sure you (as in, everyone) comes to it self-sufficient and self-aware. [Smile]

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