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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I feel guilty

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Author Topic: I feel guilty
amelie1302
Neophyte
Member # 45825

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Iím not sure if this is the right section. I am confused and upset. A guy who is my good friend and has never been on romantic terms with me, asked me for casual sex. I am very sure that he is a really good guy; I know it through my personal experience and through common friends. For last 6 months he has been talking to me with a changed attitude; he would flirt often and paid a lot of attention more than needed. Along the way I was infatuated with him and really did not do much to discourage his advances. A month back he asked me openly about sexual relationship and said that he just wanted it to be fun and that nothing is made to last forever. I felt apprehensive about it even though I liked him a lot because I wasnít sure about the consequences; as to how my reaction would be emotionally. He persisted and I gave in. I did develop a trusting relationship with him before I slept with him, though we were both not in love. We kept the whole idea a secret. And after having sex, a day later I felt like avoiding him. I didnít feel secure. And 2 days later he told me that he felt sorry about the whole incident, that he was guilty of making me do things and say things and felt like he ruined me and asked me for forgiveness. I feel devastated now. I feel guilty. I feel so guilty about not keeping a tab over my emotions at a very early stage. I donít feel angry with him because now I secretly feel I encouraged the whole thing. I donít want to blame myself but I just canít stop feeling depressed about it. When I face him now I canít say a word, neither can he. I do not like this and I canít forgive myself. I donít know where to direct my emotions.

[ 02-15-2010, 05:08 AM: Message edited by: amelie1302 ]

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marigold
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"He persisted and I gave in"? Could you detail this a bit for us? Did he really make you do things you didn't want? Because it's not clear from what you wrote. And this is quite important - the situation seems abuse-y. I will write about the other possibility at the end of the post.

(maybe you can use this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist)

From what you write about your feelings and of what he said, it seems that he was quite responsible for all this going wrong, but you want to channel all the guilt into yourself. Why?

If he did hurt you, the responsability is basicly his, he did choose to hurt you, and the way you did or did not protect yourself has nothing to do with his responsability. I can steal your phone and blame you, that you shoulnd't have let me - and you'd see the absurdity of the argument. ("I donít feel angry with him because now I secretly feel I encouraged the whole thing.")

And even if it's all your fault (ie. he was correct, and the problems appeared just because you misjudged your emotions, and only found out after sex that you didn't feel secure enough with him for this (by the way, i've read in these forums and maybe in the advice column too, that sex can change a relationship, without this being anyone's fault)), I don't see this as some huge secret shame. Well, I think no-one gets born with all the wisdom needed for managing a relationship, we have to learn all this, and emotions can be hard to keep track of - it doesn't mean that we shouldn't try hard to understand them, but getting confused about them is not something you should feel so guilty about.

and we aren't responsibe to read minds!

you say you can't forgive yourself - on what ground? maybe it would help if you would write down the assumptions (axioms) your judgement is based on. at least it would be useful in this conversation.

sorry if I have made theories about you that doesn't fit - i've tried not to.

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{*)>>>{

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Amelie: I want to be sure we understand what went on here.

When I read this, the impression I got was that you did say yes to something pretty freely, even though you weren't sure that it was right for you.

Then, it seemed like you both had very mixed feelings about what happened, with both of you feeling guilty or ashamed. He used some pretty strong words -- like saying he "ruined you," and I'm not sure what he meant by that -- and my impression was your guilt was about a) his feeling lousy about it and b) you feeling in hindsight you made a sexual choice that turned out to not be what you wanted.

Does that sound right?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amelie1302
Neophyte
Member # 45825

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Marigold, that's okay because I agree with ur second theory. i understand i wasn't very clear in my previous post chiefly because i could not put my finger on it. And i do agree with what you said in the second part of your post regarding misjudgment of emotions.

Heather, sounds right. (a) and (b) both sound correct to me. I was in two minds, took a decision and consented freely but I did not care to see if it was right.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Know what else?

You may now have KNOWN in advance what was right for you.

None of us are psychic. For sure, sometimes we have a very clear sense of what a good choice for us is, especially the longer we live life and have more life experience with these things. But sometimes, we really don't, so we make a given choice, and then we find out. And we may find out it was a choice that felt best for us, or find out that it wasn't.

One part of our sexual readiness checklist mentions feelings prepared to be surprised, or to experience feelings -- positive or negative -- that we weren't expecting. I say that because sometimes we will be surprised by our reactions and feelings, and that isn't always easy.

But it's important to remember that we don't always have all the information we need to make a decision, including the ability to see into the future. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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marigold
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and I understand from what you write, that you had basically good intentions, didn't want to hurt anyone, and just did things the best you could... is it so? Because if it is, then you might feel bad or upset about what happened, but I don't think you should also feel so guilty.

An intercultural example, without assuming anything about your religion or the lack of it:

you know, how the catholic church is quite preoccupied with the problem of sin and guilt? Even inside that theory, there is the idea, that one can only commit sin, if s/he knows in advance, that the effects of what s/he does will be probably harmful, and s/he still chooses, in a constient way, to do it.

So not understanding perfectly one's emotions wouldn't be considered a motive to feel so guily, even inside that specific and strict tradition - and I agree with them in this point.

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{*)>>>{

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amelie1302
Neophyte
Member # 45825

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Thanks for the help Heather and Marigold [Smile]
I really needed this opinion. At the back of my mind I was aware that self-blaming is the worse thing i can do for my sense of worth, but somehow I couldn't picture it in the correct perspective... because feelings of guilt are so overwhelming at times.
Now I can think over this whole issue with a different feeling, which I feel is positive.
Thank you for such kind words!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Great to hear!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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