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Author Topic: 21 never had boyfriend
curiogirl
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Hi everyone,

I've been struggling with this for a while. I'm 21 and about to graduate from a top American university-and I look good on paper-but the problem is that I've never had a boyfriend. And I'm a virgin. And I've never done any serious making out with a guy. I'm quite embarrassed by this fact, so few people know this about me. The issue is that I get so envious of girls with boyfriends, even when they are close friends of mine.

I get this intense, involuntary dislike for the girl, and a kind of longing to have what she has. It's like an ache or emptiness I feel.

Mentally I know that its wrong to be envious of them for having a man, but on an emotional level I get upset/depressed/angry about the fact that they have what I want. Unfortunately for me, the guys I like don't like me, and the guys who like me I don't like! So I'm stuck. But anyway, what should I do to deal with this envy?

Also, for the last year or so, it gets very bad because at certain times of the month I get very horny. Of course this leads to sexual frustration and more unhappiness about the fact that I don't have a man. So I started to masturbate and I've started to use a vibrator, which has helped to relieve tension. But all that to say that this sexual urgency intensifies my sense of desperation and adds to my envy.What can be done about these negative emotions?

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Curiogirl

Posts: 2 | From: america | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mojango
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Don't feel too bad. I'm a guy, 21, and also have never had a girlfriend. I know I have had my unhappy moments, but I take it like it is and know that the right one will come along. Being single this long, I have learned from experiences of others and exactly what I am looking for in a girl.

But I have the same problem as you with girls not liking me when i like them and vise versa. But don't mutual feelings ever exist for you?

But I have a motto: "a relationship should never be established out of necessity." But I do think it is natural to be envious, but to have intense dislike for the girl is a little different. I think you can find the right guy for you.

How do you go about your life with guys you like? Are you proactive at all?

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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein

Posts: 18 | From: Atlanta, GA | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
EliotDorian
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I empathize. I also feel more than a little resentful that guys I hook up with are more than capable of being boyfriends to OTHER girls, but I? The closest I ever came to being girlfriend material was "a confidant and occasional lover, but since we're never in a position to make any more of it than that..." And that guy dumped me and I doubt I'll ever be truly over it until the next guy comes along. But yeah, it's like I'm pigeonholed into The Other Woman/The Last Fling, while those other girls get pigeonholed into the marginally better "girlfriend" role, and it sucks for everyone. So yeah, I'm 23 and I've never even had someone tell me he loves me. Only once have I even been *considered* (and ultimately dismissed!) for something serious.

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"What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if no one asks to see 'em?"

Posts: 87 | From: Virginia | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Love-Life
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Hey Curiogirl,

Have you seen these articles? They are awesome to read!

10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
To Be... AWESOME or Just Be –– Tips on Making the Most of Your Life Right Now!
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

I hope you check out those articles, especially the tips on making the most of your life right now.

As for the jealousy, I think that it may help if you talk to your friends about how you are feeling. Honesty can go a long way and so can jealousy. If you are always resenting them it will eventually ruin your relationship with them and it sounds like you need them right now.

If I may ask, do you think that more may be bothering you than just not having a boyfriend? What are your plans for next year? Graduation from University is a pretty big step. Congratulations, by the way!

Personally, I've never felt that drive to be in a relationship, but I do know that when I was single and my two close friends were dating they were constantly trying to set me up with guys and that was not a whole lot of fun for me. I started resenting them for it because it made me feel like they didn't think I was whole enough without a boyfriend. If I had told them I think it would have made everything a lot better between us.

Hope I could help! [Smile]

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There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

Posts: 153 | From: British Columbia | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hi curiogirl,

I think the previous posters have all made good points, and I'd also like to add a bit.

I hear you saying you're successful in many ways, which is a great thing. Doing well at university often takes a great deal of commitment and hard work: had you had a boyfriend, then perhaps you may not have had the same time or energy to commit to your studies. I'm not saying that it is or has to be an either or but not having dating extensively had positive benefits, too, even if it's something that's troublesome to you now.

So, I'm hearing you talk of your academic achievements as successes, which is great, but then I hear you contrast your dating life as a "failure." However, not having had a boyfriend and/or sexual experience at 21 is certainly *not* a "failure" by any means. Sure it's upsetting but it's hardly the moral or personal flaw I'm getting the vibe that you're (surely unintentionally) making it out to be. [Smile]

I think it's good for you to be able to recognize that this envy isn't something so positive. Relationships have their ups and downs, for starters, and what may seem great on the outside may not be on the inside. However, that's really no reason to trade envy for Schadenfreude, of course, it's just a fact. I also get the impression that you're looking at having a boyfriend as some sort of accessory that makes you cooler or happier or a better person. Sure, it can be a nice experience but it's not a panacea for happiness either; we're pretty big on how it's important to first find your satisfaction in life on your own before looking to share it with others. I'm not saying that you can't do both at the same time but I'd also work on exploring why you're feeling so down on yourself. It can be hard when society emphasizes relationships as a form of success, for sure. That said, I have a feeling that the feelings of envy are coming from within, that they're not about the other person having a boyfriend but you feeling you're not the neat person with a lot to offer who you truly are; if you don't feel you are, that's something then to work on, focusing on your strengths but also working on becoming the person you want to be, if you know what I mean. Vikki linked you some excellent articles for starting points.

I also think gatechfreak raises a good question: are you taking the initiative to make the first move? Sure, as EliotDorian said, not every crush or date is going to work out, but that doesn't you're doomed. It just means looking at things from a different angle. I'm sorry you feel this is something to be ashamed of and to hide from friends, because they could probably give you some honest feedback as well as potentially help set you up on dates. Sometimes the truth can hurt but when we know our friends care from us and want the best, asking them for some truthful insight on why they think these relationships aren't working out could be really helpful. I really hope you can work on feelings of envy towards them because that can really get in the way of a friendship, which is unfortunate, but they may have already sensed it themselves.

Finally, you'll be graduating soon and will be entering a whole new stage in your life. Some people talk about college being "the best four years of your life", and it's true that it can be great, but life afterwards can be -- and often is-- even better. And I feel positive that your future will positive in more ways than one. [Smile]

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Ecofem
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Also, one more point about the sexual frustration. This quote sticks out to me:
quote:
Also, for the last year or so, it gets very bad because at certain times of the month I get very horny. Of course this leads to sexual frustration and more unhappiness about the fact that I don't have a man.
I can understand how this may serve as an unhappy reminder about your relationship status; however, a man is not a dildo [Wink] or human object, so to speak, we're whole humans and not devices used to relive sexual tension. I know you know this but I want to point it out anyway because I think it's worth mentioning. And, chances are, if you're not happy with your solo sex life, you probably are not going to suddenly find happiness through partnered sexual activities. I think working on these inner feelings is a really good first step. In addition to the link Vikki gave you on "10 of the Best Things...", there's another link to check out that is different but pertains to your situation in some ways: Why is One Group of Women So Different...

Also: Am I Normal?

[ 02-10-2010, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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curiogirl
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The thing that is really bothering me, is that since I've gone so long without one, I have this suspicion I might never have a boyfriend. It lurks in the back of my mind. I haven't read those articles yet, but I understand the concept of "working on yourself" before being in a relationship. But the thing is: I don't buy that at all. You don't have to be this amazing, perfect, person to have a long term relationship. Looking around I see young women in varying stages of life, with a variety of flaws, issues, talents etc, who are happily dating. So what bothers me is, if I'm like them, why don't I have that as well? And yes I've been on dates with guys who were interested in me, that I wasn't remotely attracted to just to give them a chance and it sucked. I don't actually have any guys I'm attracted to at the moment, to even "take the initiative."

Yes, I have plans after college. I'm starting to plan my professional life around finding a man. Before I never thought about that when making life choices, but now I totally do. I focused on school for so much when I was younger, I missed my chances to date in high school (and it was easier there). And now here I am with a great education and whatever, but unfilled romantically. It's a horrible trade-off. I will never make that mistake again.

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Curiogirl

Posts: 2 | From: america | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I hear you when you express that not having had a partner yet means you never will, but please know that's actually exceptionally unlikely. In a lifetime, nearly all people who want to have a partner will have a partner or partners. And I have never seen any data or studies which show that people who have first partners later in life are less likely to have any.

But I hear you also saying that YOU haven't yet met anyone you feel all that interested in: is that right?

Can I also ask what you're looking for/to get out of a romantic relationship? In other words, what feels like it's missing for you without one?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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