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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Just need someone to tell me I didn't overreact

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Author Topic: Just need someone to tell me I didn't overreact
Mortality
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I was in a mainly just sexual relationship with this guy, let's call him Mike. It was not monogamous. He knew about all the other people I was sleeping with, and anything I thought he needed to know to be able to manage his risks. I thought he let me know everything I needed to know as well. Turns out I knew about all the other people he was seeing, but not enough to manage my risks.

I started sleeping with him in October. Another girl, let's call her Jenny, also started sleeping with him in October.

In November the lot of us got chlamydia.

Now here is what I'm pissed off about. During the time he was on antibiotics abd after Jenny found out she'd tested positive but before she started her treatment they had sex. He didn't tell me about this. Part of his reasoning for not telling me was "you didn't ask".

I also found out that apart from the time when they had chlamydia they skipped the condoms. If you're not gonna be monogamous it's really important to me that you use condoms. He claims that he told me that him and Jenny skipped the condoms. If he did he told me when I was too sleepy or too drunk to remember it. Cos the skipping condoms is a dealbreaker for me when it comes to sex.

So about two weeks ago I met Jenny for the first time. She is really nice. She told me about the time they had sex when they had chlamydia. She thought I already knew. I got soooo mad. I dragged Mike of to a corner, pushed him up against the wall, yelled at him and I even slapped him. (I did apologise for slapping him the next day)

The week after Jenny made me and Mike talk about it. He claimed that he cares about me, and this is where he said that part of the reason he didn't tell me that they had sex when positive was cos I didn't ask. I told him that what he did shows a complete disregard for my safety. I told him I didn't want to be friends. Just as I was leaving he was like "oh, by the way we tested positive again, maybe you should go get tested".

A bit later the same night Jenny told me that they had been nixing conomds. She thought I knew this too. She had to physically hold me back from doing anything stupid (like hitting him again). I got sooo pissed off.

When I left Mike was just outside so I told him that I never wanted to see him ever again.

I don't know what to do... I had major trust issues before all this stuff, and now I don't know if I'll ever trust a guy enough to sleep with him ><

I'm still really mad at him. Not only did he put me at great risk for getting chlamydia again, but he put every other person I've slept with at risk too.

Someone please tell me he was a complete idiot and that most people wouldn't do something like this?

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I wish I could say most people wouldn't do something like this, but unfortunately, a LOT of people don't manage safer sex or nonmonogamy well. Do most people who make agreements around it lie about it like this? I think it's safe to say no. (And is this about the fact that he's a guy? No.)

At the same time, like I said, doing safer sex right, and being honest with sexual partners, especially with STI issues, is clearly a pretty widespread problem.

There are some ways to help with that. For instance, if you're going to have an ongoing relationship with someone who is also having one with someone else (like, it's not a one-night thing), you can meet that person sooner rather than later and assure everyone in on board with the agreed rules. But that isn't always possible, and getting that finessed at nonmonogamy can tend to be a learning curve.

(Just to check in, too, if you're going to be in this model again, you and Mike were using condoms, yes? Because if not, that really opens you up to risks, big time.)

Was he an idiot? Well, yes: he knowingly put your health at risk, from what I can gather, and he broke the rules you two had and did not tell you. That's completely not okay.

Suffice it to say, I'm sorry this happened to you. It obviously is a double-stink to land an STI and have your trust betrayed in this way when you put the time and effort in to negotiate it all.

I should add that I'm not going to say that hitting or otherwise assaulting someone isn't overreacting. That is always going to be an abuse, unless it's an issue of self-defense.

[ 02-02-2010, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mortality
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Thanks for the reply [Smile]

I use condoms for everything but oral sex. Condoms with oral sex is the best way to trigger a flashback for me.

This wasn't my first non-monogamous relationship, but it was the first one where I wasn't the only one with multiple partners. I knew he was a bit of a jerk, but I really thought he was honest with me. He said that he cared about me and that he was using condoms all the time and I believed him.

I know it's not the fact that he is a guy that's the biggest factor in him being a jerk, but I mainly sleep with men.. that's what I meant with "trusting a guy enough to sleep with him".

One of the reasons I was so mad at him was that he knew how important it was too me to always use condoms. I haven't skipped condoms since April 2008 when I got of birth control pills (I was in a long term monogamous relationship back then and both me and my then boyfriend had had several negative test results).

I'm just happy I didn't spread the chlamydia to anyone [Smile] All the people I've slept with since my last negative test tested negative [Smile]

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Heather
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I think one important thing to bear in mind is that if you know or sense someone is, in general, a bit of a jerk, expecting them not to be with safer sex and sexual honesty isn't often a realistic expectation. Mind, I'm not excusing your behavior, just saying that in the future, if you think someone's character is iffy or cruddy, it's sage to expect that to also be the case with their sexual character/behavior.

(And with the no barriers for oral sex, my personal advice, then, would be to skip oral sex if you can't do it safely, especially in open relationships where the risks are so high.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mortality
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From what I could tell he was always honest, even if he did things I didn't always think was a good idea.

Anyway, I've learnt a few things from this and hopefully won't end up in the same situation again [Smile]

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Heather
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I'm so not expecting you to have been psychic. [Smile] Nor to somehow have perfect judgment, something never of us can ever have.

Just trying to let you know that if someone's character is clearly lacking, or their judgment seems questionable, you can expect both those things are likely true for them sexually. People's sex lives tend to often very much be a reflection of...well, people.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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I tested negative this time around ^^
Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Great to hear! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mortality
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Yesterday I met some of his friends at a party. One of them asked me if I was gonna stop hanging out with them cos I was pissed off at Mike. Apparently his friend don't want me to stop hanging out with them ^^

Also, all of his friends that know the details pretty much told him that what he did was a shitty thing to do ^^

Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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