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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Not sure where this is going

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Author Topic: Not sure where this is going
Member # 6514

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Wow, it has been a long time since I've been on here, but I am glad to be back. Hello to everyone I hope you have all been well!

Ok so to try and make a long story short, here it goes.

I was in an abusive marriage to a military guy for almost 4 years. Married at 18, and divorced at 22. I am now 23. I left him in January 2008, but we were still seeing eachother, and being intimate, about once a week until August 2008. That is when he had told me that he didn't love me like someone should love a wife anymore, and that he wanted a divorce. Yes I was hurt, after him leading me on and telling me that he wanted to make it work. I was floored, but I had to accept it. We filled out the papers and I filed for divorce on March 18th, 2009. It was finalized on March 19th, 2009.

Previously, he had started dating someone of his nationality (russian) back in September 2008, a month before we had filed. In October as we filled out divorce papers, I became emotional and had to stop. That's when one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. That was the last time I saw him, and having sex with him, in my vulnerable state, was a big mistake. I know this.

I started dating a wonderful guy in December 2008. We went to high school together but lost touch when he went off to the military, 3 years later we met again. It was great to catch up and share our experiences, and that led to liking one another. He was so caring, a great listener, very friendly and generous. I was slowly falling for him. I flew out to see him in person before he got out. When our eyes met again, we fell harder. Those 5 days were amazing, seeing the sights and getting to know eachother again. My first night there, we had sex for the first time. It was wonderful, but at the same time I KNEW I shouldn't done it.

After a month he was finally out of the military after one term and he moved back home, 10 minutes away from me (I was living with my mother at the time to get back on my feet). I had run into some major problems with my mother and was looking for another place to stay, my family wouldn't help me. If I get into a situation, I need to get myself out of it, even if I end up homeless. I had to deal with it. Anyway, his parents asked me if I would like to move in with them, I said yes. From January 2009 to October 2009 we lived with his parents until we found a townhouse and moved in. However, in between our time living with his parents we started bickering. It was never physical but I did become emotional. He has never raised a hand to me, never raised his voice, is always patient and kind, everything I've wanted in a gentleman. I started thinking that we were moving way too fast, only dating for a month and then moving in with him, spending all our time together. Although he made me really happy and he treated me like a woman should be treated, I still felt that I didn't give myself any healing time from my divorce. All I had was 2 months, I should have given myself at least a year.

Now that we live in our townhouse we are fighting all the time, we don't have sex as much as we used to. We have sex maybe twice a month if that, when it used to be 2 or 3 times a day everyday. I do love him, and I am in love with him, but I don't feel like there's a connection anymore. Every piece of mystery that we had when we first met was gone. Every spice in our intimacy sauce had already been used. Now I don't want sex, and it may be because I haven't fully healed, and I haven't secured a therapist to help me deal with my problems (I don't have insurance of any kind). I feel no kind of arousal, not even from watching a porn. I have no sex drive, when before I was put on medication for bipolar and social anxiety I had such a high sex drive. I have been off medication since January 2008 because of personal choice. I didn't think I needed them anymore, and I've been fine ever since, I've actually gotten better since being off the meds.

I know this is long and I'm so sorry, but I don't really know what to do now. We do love eachother, so much, and we want to make this work. We want to put more spice in our relationship, we want to experiment more, we want to put that spark back from the beginning. But it remains to be seen if my mind and body will allow that.

[ 01-10-2010, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: BiLLaBaBy017 ]

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is mystery
Today is a gift


Posts: 294 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Ashley, I think in the past I suggested this organization to you: there is a GREAT therapy org for women in Minneapolis you CAN use, and which also has a sliding scale for those who are uninsured. Some of their services are free from the outset.

I would suggest them as the very best first step for you. Here's a link:

You can not only get counseling for yourself there, they also offer couples therapy.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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