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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » telling mum.. [trigger warning]

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Author Topic: telling mum.. [trigger warning]
May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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My first boyfriend and sexual partner sexually abused me. This was between mid 07 to mid 08. Prompted by my partner last year in April, i finally started counselling but it took *months* for me to start being verbal about him raping me, not there being something wrong with me.
Right now, i've started seeing a counsellor at the sexual assault resource center in my city. I'm really.. not content to let my ex bf's bs hurt me anymore- it's not me with the problem, their his and i just now have to deal with them so they don't affect me and my life anymore.

Anyway.. my partner and i broke up 4 weeks ago. I've had too much on my plate and us being together hasn't let me concentrate on my needs, how i need to heal. It was his idea to end the relationship and it was a relief really once it was done.
In ending it, i came home and told mum about how sad i've been for such a long time, how hard i'm still hurting after my first bf. I didn't tell her though that it's because he was *sexually* abusive.
Now i don't know how to, or even if i want to. My partner was the first to know when i realised for myself, and in the past few weeks i've told some close friends.

My mum and i have been kinda estranged for over a year, because i was hurting from my abuse and i think resentful towards her. She knew how poorly i was being treated in that relationship, but because *I* couldn't see it, i felt like i had to stand between my mum (who's always had my best interests at heart) and my bf (who WAS hurting me, i finally ended that relationship WHILE being abused).

Now that i am dealing with my rape, now that i'm in a head space to concentrate on healing, i don't know how or even what to say to my mum. It's not a conversation i really want to have, but she KNOWS i'm in counselling and he's a big reason why. So counselling comes up in conversation.
So what do i do with this? i can be explicit about my abuse, but i don't want to share this with mum right now.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Hey May Day,

First of all I think it's so great that you are concentrating on your own healing and getting the help you need to do that right now, I do understand how hard that can be and I also have been in a very similar spot to where you are right now. It sounds like your Mum is supportive of you and you healing from the abuse that you suffered from your ex, and you know I would not be all that surprised if your Mum already knows or at least strongly suspects that your ex was sexually abusive toward you.

I understand that finding the words can be hard, but have you thought about maybe writing it down for her? Leaving it with her for a little while and then when you are both ready you can talk about it if you want to? I have found that as hard and as scary as it is to tell people about my abuses it actually has helped me to just not have to live in a different skin around those people anymore, you know?

Your Mum sounds like she just wants to ensure you are safe and well, and I think that having another person who can support you, another good person behind you can't be a bad thing, right?

Also, I hope you feeling insanely proud of yourself for the steps you have already taken, because you are brave as hell, whether you feel ready to tell your mum right now or not.

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May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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thanks for the suggestions, i'll think about writing it down. Mum is very supportive and very wise, and i will tell her about it. Maybe not while it's still something i'm really attached to, but after i have methods of responding to being triggered, ways to stay in control, it'll be easier to talk about with her. She knows me better than anyone, so telling her stuff is pretty intimate.. which is another way of saying she's seen me vulnerable and not many people have. Tell my friends was easier because they only know me at a distance i set, they don't see me really vulnerable.

Thank you also for the kudos, i haven't felt brave, i've felt frightened with no control. But also fed up enough to make change.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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No problem,

Sounds like you have a good plan, I get ya on the telling part of it, friends was much easier than those who were really close to me, as well. I hope things work out for you with your Mum. [Smile]

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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