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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » help please!

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Author Topic: help please!
belladonna
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For the first time in about a year and a half of dating, I am beginning to seriously worry about my relationship with my boyfriend... it seems though, that problem mostly lies with me.

For the last month or so (and he and I have talked about this, though not very much in-depth), I've been feeling strangely... "detached." I'm not even sure it that's the best word to describe it, but I feel like we've reached that point in the relationship where it's become routine and less exciting. My sex drive of late has also been... pretty much unexistent. Now, I KNOW that relationships tend to simmer down after a while, and that this is normal. I also KNOW that sex drive can sometimes dip from time to time. It just bothers me because it feels so unnatural. I'm wondering whether my birth control has anything to do with it. I've been on Yasmin for almost a year.

I love my boyfriend very much. And although I sometimes get paranoid and insecure, I believe him when he says he is happy and loves me. I am just afraid that if these "issues" that I am having keep up, it may lead to problems. I have considered that maybe we need a break from each other, as we spend practically every waking moment together. We will be having separate holiday celebrations with our families this year, so I'm hoping that might help us miss each other and bring back some of the "spice" that is missing. In the meantime, can anyone suggest what else I could do? And... should I go off the pill for a while and get back on it if and when things improve?

PLEASE HELP. I would appreciate it so very much.

Posts: 130 | From: hong kong | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Love-Life
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Hi Belladonna!

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do if I were in your situation.

First thing I would do is talk to him about it. As much as it's a scary thing to think about, just make it really clear that you don't want to break up, but you are just having some issues. I sincerely doubt that he hasn't noticed and it will be relieving for both of you to be honest with each other. I've been in a relationship for 8 months now and we have had a few times where it feels perfect, then the mood will shift and it feels so wrong and awful and I just wish that I didn't have to see him all the time. Then we talk about it, and it isn't always a magic fix or anything, but it is reassuring for us both to decide to wait it out. The worst part for me when things aren't going great is me worrying that he is going to break up with me, or that he is worrying that I'm going to break up with him. And it's just a good feeling to be on the same page about it.

As for the low sex drive, it is very common. I'm going through some things in my life right now and I have absolutely no sex drive. Like none. And my boyfriend is okay with that, but I find that if we have a little argument or something it's harder to move past because we use sexual activities as a crutch to help us work through things. We are working on finding other ways obviously, since we aren't having sex. So, from personal experience I've found that being able to have a sex-less relationship with a partner from time to time is really a good thing (so long as you are both on the same page). And obviously you aren't me, and I can only give you my perspective. But I really do think that talking to him about this will help.

As for the birth control, it can decrease your sex drive. But things like stress, and feeling "detached" can also lower it. I would talk to your doctor or gynecologist about it and see what they suggest before going off the pill.

I hope this helps! :-)

--------------------
There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

Posts: 153 | From: British Columbia | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
belladonna
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Thanks so much for your input, Love-Life. My boyfriend and I have talked about things, and I feel a little better... I guess now I have to work on the issues myself; especially figuring out the birth-control, boredom stuff, etc.

I know that taking a break from sex would be good for a while. Based on your experience, what sort of fun activities have helped you get through it?

Posts: 130 | From: hong kong | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Love-Life
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Well, right now we are both at the end of our university term so we don't have a whole lot of time for fun things, but we do always make sure we spend a couple nights together each week. During this time we talk a lot, I was assaulted last year and have a lot going through my head all of the time, so he likes to try to help me in any way he can. We also play video games, rent movies, and cuddle when we are at home (which lately is all we have been up to) but when we find time to get out of the house we go out to eat or watch a hockey game or go snowboarding... Really anything that we both enjoy.

I think that the most important thing is honest and open communication. I always tell him how I feel and what mood I'm in and he does the same. That way we can figure out something that works for both of us at that time.

And you mentioned that you were going away for a while, now I don't know what your situation is at home or anything but sometimes planning a trip somewhere or even a night out with just the two of you may help lift your spirit and make you feel more interested.

(I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, I'm on my iPod so it's hard to tell) [Smile]

--------------------
There is an upside to everything, sometimes you just have to turn it upside down to find it.

:-) Vikki (-:

Posts: 153 | From: British Columbia | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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