So about 2 months ago, my boyfriend of 6 mo. and I broke up. It ended up being a rather messy situation, which i'll try to summarize: we're freshmen in college, it was long-distance, and he got reeeally clingy and insecure. It didn't help that I was having a great time in college with new friends, activities, etc, and he hated it. He also hated me talking about these fun things I was doing because i was "rubbing it in and making him feel bad." He didnt like me hanging out with other guys, despite us discussing what we wanted to happen to "us" in college beforehand, and me telling him flat-out that I wanted things to remain open. He also wanted very constant communication with me, and got frustrated/upset/angry when I didn't have my phone on me and didn't respond to texts, despite us talking on webcam or phone on an almost daily basis. Breaking up occured after about 2 weeks of 3 hour long phone conversations into the AM with one or both of us in tears. He broke up with me since I couldnt make enough time for him, although the next night he wanted to get back together, saying he didnt mean it. I did not want to get back together and didnt.
The next few weeks had the same scenario happen multiple other times; with every contact he brought up us "trying again," trying to fix things, even to the point where he bought a train ticket to come visit me (6 hours away) after i told him not to.
As I said, very messy. I can give more details if necessary but I'm refraining since it was pretty hurtful and he said some kinda terrible things. Anyway, emotionally, I've been a lot better since basically cutting off all contact, however I felt, and still feel to an extent really bad about doing so. He is still trying to get in contact with me most times I go online (AIM) although I have ignored him. My mom has urged me to not talk to him since she's seen how hurt I've been after talking to him and staying up crying until 3 am multiple nights a week was not good for my grades....
Despite this, I still feel bad. Especially since I know he's having a bad time and feels alone, often drinks to just have people to hang out with, and is basically just really emotionally unstable and insecure about himself. But what has most started to concern me has been his blog posts. Ever since the night of the initial breakup, increasingly so, he's been REALLY moody and had some disturbing things to say. At first it was just how sad and empty he feels, ow much it sucks to be alone, how he still loves me, etc. How he feels betrayed and dead inside, angry, ripped apart. Then they turned into how he "hated himself for f----- everything up." This was still going on a month after breaking up.
Most recently, his posts were about how he was "spiraling down, with nothing to grab onto" and he "needs to get out of a horrible painful cycle." Now maybe I'm paranoid, but this sounds scarily suicidal. Honestly, I was worried about this happening even before we broke up, and didn't want to initiate doing so because I felt he needed me to talk to and for support (possibly a bad idea, but it was what I thought was best at the time). Everything inside of me and the people I've talked to have kept me from being in contact with this guy.
But seriously, what I am supposed to do? I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me from feeling terrible. I've been afraid any contact will just give him hope that I'm open to getting back together since he's proved that true every time. i also don't feel comfortable talking to him about much of what's going on my life now since he's been so averse to hearing about it and I doubt he can really talk to me as a friend at this point. I'm just looking for some helpful opinions of what, if anything I should do at this point.
Posts: 117 | From: U.S. | Registered: Jul 2008
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I agree with your mom-- deciding to cut off contact with your ex-boyfriend seems like a good choice, since you say that you are much happier when you can focus on your own life. I don't think the way he has been acting is okay; being very emotionally dependent and blaming you for his feelings of sadness and emptiness is manipulative behavior.
Why are you still reading his blog posts? It sounds like you care about him a lot, and want what's best for him, but at the same time you need to prioritize your own emotional health and take your own needs into account. I can empathize with the difficult situation you're in, but your ex-boyfriend needs the kind of support that you (or any other friend) won't be able to provide. Maybe you could suggest that he see a therapist or other trained professional, but I wouldn't advise getting emotionally involved with him again.
I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe... I do, I do, I do. Posts: 140 | From: Montreal | Registered: Jul 2009
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