posted
So I have a rather exceptionally odd situation here. . . . I broke up with my very emotionally abusive boyfriend about three weeks ago. So while I was dating my now ex, I kind of secretly had a crush on his friend for the better part of that relationship but never acted on it. I also thought that he wasn't interested in me like that. Anyway, this guy and my ex stopped being friends about a year ago because of the way my ex treated me.
So after I finally broke up with the abusive now-ex, his former friend and I hung out one night and he told me that I absolutely made the right choice because my ex was a psychopath (and this guy would know because they used to live together too). So he said that one of my friends told him that I was originally interested in him and I confirmed his suspicions. He told me that he had, infact, liked me this whole time and we had a long discussion about it should have been us all along and I now feel like I've wasted two years of my life on a bad relationship that was so . . uneccesary.
We stayed up all night talking, which progressed to cuddling, which progressed to sex. The other night we finally discussed what "we" are. We're essentially "friends with benefits" however, he still has a girlfriend back home in California. She is significantly younger than him, will likely never move to Arizona, and he has no intention of ever moving back to California. He has a lot of trouble with the distance and the two of them fight all of the time. He told me that he is still in love with her but now has very strong feelings for me and isn't sure what to do. He said that he isn't trying to jerk me around or anything and he feels bad but isn't sure what the right thing to do is. In my selfishness, I would ideally want him to break up with his gf for me and we would then date. However, I just got out of an abusive relationship so starting something serious right now is probably a bad choice for me. I also don't want to push him into anything that he doesn't want to do. If he wants to stay with his long-distance gf, I can respect that although I don't want to be "the other woman". I want her to know and be ok with it if he's going to be with both of us.
Even though they're not really friends anymore, I'm kind of afraid of what would happen if people in our social circle knew about what happened between us. I also know that my ex would be livid. However, that being said, I know that he can protect me from my ex because he's an NCAA wrestler and a Jiujitsu blackbelt.
What should I do? Should I tell him that he needs to choose one of us or should I just enjoy a "friends with benefits" type of scenario that can give me a lot of the benefits of being in a relationship while still allowing me to enjoy my new freedom? Any thoughts are appreciated.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
Honestly, this sounds like it could get very messy, in a way that few people could deal with so soon after getting out of an abusive relationship.
I'd like to put it out there that I have been in an abusive relationship before, so I'm familiar with some of the challenges involved in starting relationships after one.
The thing that I believe is most important is to start any time of romantic or sexual relationship only with someone you an trust to be very respectful and honest. Now, someone who is willing to lie and break a monogamy promise to another individual is not necessarily the type of person you can trust right off the bat. I'm not saying that he's totally untrustworthy or anything, I'm saying that it's best to start a relationship with someone who is *extremely* trustworthy. Okay sometimes just isn't good enough for people after an abusive relationship.
It sounds to me like you don't want to enable his breaking of a promise to this other girl, and I think that's a good thing. There's nothing wrong about saying "Look, I'm really uncomfortable doing sexual things since you have a girlfriend. I don't want to pressure you to break up with you, but for my own sake, I need not to be sexual with you again unless you speak with her about opening up your relationship. I do not want to be a party in your dishonesty." No matter what you choose to do, that's a very, very reasonable way to feel, and it shows a good level of respect for yourself, him, and his girlfriend.
I'd also like to point out that three weeks is very soon to start any type of a new relationship. I'd encourage you to take some space for at least another couple of months--often when you first get out of an abusive relationship, you don't have the greatest perspective on what's really healthiest for you.
You also said just a week ago [url=http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/37/t/000334/p/1.html#000004] here [/quote] that you weren't interested in dating right now. Has something happened to change your mind about that?
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I did say that I wasn't interested in dating right now. This guy started changing my mind because, I know this sounds kind of silly, he makes me feel really safe which is a luxury I've gone without for the last two years. Even if we were "dating" I would still want to take things very slowly given my current situation.
We talked earlier today and decided that it would be better for everyone if we took sex off the table for now while he decides what he wants to do about his relationship and I take the time I need for myself after leaving my abusive ex.
However, we still plan to see each other frequently because we do like each other a lot and his presence in the aftermath of my abusive relationship has been very comforting.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
So, um, update. I found out tonight that the guy's roomate told EVERYONE about us. I pretty much have no friends now, and a bunch of my ex's friends now feel that they have the "responsibility" to tell him which is complete crap because we're broken up and who I have sex with absolutely none of their business. Everyone is angry at both of us because we "betrayed" my ex. But for whatever reason, I am apparently more to blame because I am "enabling" this guy to cheat on his girlfriend and just generally being a s***.
I really don't know what to do now and I had a massive emotional break-down tonight.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out. I'm especially sorry that none of your friends supported you; however, they sound like sh*tty people you wouldn't want as friends, anyway, so I wouldn't consider that much of a loss in the long run. The bs about "betraying" your ex? Complete BS. While it's the guy's choice to cheat on his girlfriend, it's also not cool for you to go along with that when you know all the details. I don't want you to feel chastised by us for all this; that isn't the case... I get the feeling of wanting to have good sex and feel safe, especially after an abusive relationship. But this is not a good situation, this is not a good person you're having sex with, and the so-called friends are pretty crappy; you deserve better. My advice would be to stay away from the guy, from these friends, take a break from dating to work on healing, and focus on other areas of your life. I'm really sorry about all this. Is there any way you can get away from this for a bit, like go away for the weekend or at least go to a different part of town where you can rest and collect your thoughts and not be around them?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
I also just want to second what Lena has said and add that when you're trying to get out of an abusive relationship, you need to do what you can to get as far away from that person as possible. That can include changing your social circle and your dating pool (especially the latter): if you stay connected to the same circle an abusive ex is in, or get even MORE entrenched it it with the people closest to that person, you're unlikely to be able to really get out of that person's grip and away from their influence.
And if you just want to feel safe (and I get it), someone who cares for you should be willing to offer you help with safety w/out you needing to sleep with or have a romantic relationship (or the future promise/notion of either) with them, you know? Too, it's also, I think, worth thinking about the fact that while you're just out of an abusive cycle, if you look to other guys for your safety, rather than trying to create it for and within yourself, you really risk still enabling some things which can land you in abuse. Do you know what I mean?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63668 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thanks for your advice, everyone. After recovering my judgement I had a long talk with this guy and I told him that I will respect whatever decision he makes about his relationship but I will no longer have any part in cheating. Due to the fiasco this weekend we decided it would be best if we waited for things to blow over and settle a bit before hanging out again, only this time just as friends.
I think feeling lonely and unsafe made me lose my head and make an unwise decision in this case. I think for the time being only having guys as friends would be best for me because then I can avoid drama while concentrating on my own recovery from my abusive relationship.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2009
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