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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » how to get over irrational jealousy?

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Author Topic: how to get over irrational jealousy?
Member # 35546

Icon 1 posted      Profile for belladonna     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've posted on here before about feeling somewhat insecure in my relationship sometimes, and being afraid about girls from my boyfriend's past. I've come to terms with the idea that most of my fears are in my head... and that I'm probably being irrational about things. But how can I get over these feelings?

I feel like I am confident in other areas of my life, except concerning my relationship, but I don't know how to get out of this rut. Even after my boyfriend's reassurances, things pop up to make me nervous all over again. It's not that I don't trust him, but I don't trust the other girls... Argh. What should I do?

Posts: 130 | From: hong kong | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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It's perhaps worth asking what exactly other women could do WITHOUT your boyfriend participating himself?

In other words, if your concern isn't about a partner being assaulted or harassed, this can't just be about other people. In order for a partner to consensually do something outside of a monogamy agreement, they have to participate, too. This can't just be about the other people.

Can you catch me up on how this specific relationship is going for you and how it's been? In other words, overall, is it a relationship that's made 9and still makes) you feel very good about yourself while in it, that feels like a healthy, happy place for you, that's beneficial and meets your wants and needs? How about your boyfriend: how does he express feeling about the relationship?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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My boyfriend recently moved far away to go to college, where he has close female friends and no supervision, so I've had to engage this question in my mind a bit.

The way I deal with it is by turning it around. I went away to college 2 years ago, when he and I were still together. I know he probably thought about me being around other guys and might have felt jealous. But I know that I would never hurt him, and being inappropriate with another guy would hurt him so it's something I would never do; he trusted me enough to believe that, so he didn't let himself worry irrationally about it.

Now, I turn it around and think the following. First, I believe he feels the same way about me that I feel about him; the thought of cheating on him seems absurd to me, so I find it doubtful that he would ever consider cheating on me. Second, he has made it clear that he would never do so, and I trust him as he has trusted me these couple years I've been away; just because there are new possibilities for him to cheat doesn't make him any less trustworthy than he ever was.

This kind of turning around does require that you two have a relationship built on trust and openness, because you have to believe that he wouldn't hurt you and trust him when he says so. So, as Heather said, you should consider your relationship in interpreting this advice.

One last thing I can offer, which should be useful to any kind of relationship, is this: If you need motivation, consider that consistently feeling jealous (particularly if you're nagging him, but even if you're not and it's just poisoning your feelings) will wear away at your relationship and could eventually destroy it. Trusting someone else, opening yourself up, letting yourself be vulnerable--none of that is easy. But I think recognizing that you have to make an effort to do so if you want the relationship to work is a big step.

Good luck with this! [Smile]

Posts: 96 | From: West Coast USA | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35546

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Hi Heather and LondonBlue, thanks for your input.

To answer Heather's questions... this relationship has been going pretty well and I've been very happy. My boyfriend has also expressed that he's very happy. It's just that recently he was hanging out with some old friends and so he's been talking about ex girlfriends a lot. He mentions them to me, and sometimes shares stories... but I wonder sometimes how much these memories must mean? He and his ex girlfriend went through some drama and heavy emotional stuff together in the past. I wish I could ask him, but I guess it's really none of my business and I wouldn't know how to start.

You and LondonBlue are right: I don't want this to eat away at our relationship when it's going so well. I need to get over my fears... and "care less" in that regard.

Posts: 130 | From: hong kong | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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