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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend doesn't feel responsible?

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Author Topic: Boyfriend doesn't feel responsible?
Member # 31187

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My boyfriend and I were talking last night, and he was questioning why I didn't get my period yet. (It's not quite time yet, but that's not the issue) He suggested that I go to buy a pregnancy test. I'm low on money, extremely so, so I told him if he was that concerned, he could purchase it and I would take it. His response was "well if you are pregnant then I'm not responsible, you're on birth control, so if you're pregnant it's your fault for taking the pills wrong". After this we got into an argument about money. I have none, and his parents fill his debit up any time it dips below 400$. I told him how I've been paying for the birth control pills, the doctors visits (out of pocket) to get the prescriptions, the last pack of condoms we had used, the last pregnancy test. I don't have the money to buy a test to settle his concerns when there shouldn't be any. And I got so upset that he doesn't feel responsible.

Should he be cleared of responsibility because I maybe took the pills wrong? The worst mistake I made was a few hours after my designated time. I'm usually around him at the time I take the pills so I feel like since they're preventing a pregnancy for the both of us he should help in reminding me or something. He said he feels like just because he put his dick in me it doesn't mean he's responsible, because I'm on the pills, so he's clear and it's all in my hands.

Posts: 16 | From: Long Island | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Can I be super honest here?

A partner who views any potential pregnancy test as entirely your responsibility, is the type who's likely to view a pregnancy as entirely your responsibility too. It also seems like the wants to have it both ways: he wants to declare what you do with your body (ie take a pregnancy test), but not actually have any responsibility for it. Heck, it's not like you can get pregnant all by yourself. It's certainly going to be half his doing. His is not the attitude that a caring, respectful partner will have.

How about asking him to pay for half of your birth control pills? If he flatly refuses to consider helping you out with this and tells you that preventing pregnancy is your responsibility alone, I'd strongly encourage you to rethink being sexually active with him and maybe the relationship overall.

You have a right to feel upset that he doesn't feel responsible. I think your proposal was very reasonable, since it doesn't sound like you have any reason to be worried. It also would have been very reasonable to refuse to take a test at all. It's your body, and he doesn't get to dictate what tests should be run on it, you know?

And honestly, I'd feel better about him if he didn't try to insist on a pregnancy test on top of it. At least then he'd be consistent about simply trusting you to deal with anything that arises. BUT it sounds like he doesn't trust you, and frankly, doesn't care about placing the burden of pregnancy prevention entirely on you.

If he isn't comfortable with any level of pregnancy risk, then he shouldn't have sex. That's all there is to it.

If you guys are using condoms and the pill, that's about as low risk as it can get.

Taking the pill within a three hour window each day is considered perfect use, so I doubt you've compromised your effectiveness at all.

[ 10-13-2009, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: atm1 ]

Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40765

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Your boyfriend is most certainly equally responsible for any pregnancy that might occur because of the activities that BOTH of you take part in, TOGETHER. If he was worried about pregnancy, he could certainly purchase condoms to double up. Birth control is both of your responsibility, and legally, he IS responsible if you get pregnant and decide not to terminate.

Honestly, this doesn't sound like someone mature enough to accept the consequences of his actions (and pregnancy is, sometimes, a consequence of sex).

Posts: 222 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31187

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His argument would be that pregnancy doesn't have to be a result of sex, we're technologically advanced enough (according to him) to prevent it and if I don't take my pills right, then I'll just get an abortion.

I do support the abortion aspect, in the case that I do get pregnant.

But I'm just pointing out here that he has flawed logic. When he is told that he's wrong, he refuses to admit it. Or he'll twist his words around so that he was never wrong in the first place. I'm worried if I go to him with this now he'll say "well, that's not really what I meant..." and then do some logic in his head to twist it all around. It's impossible to argue with him.

I feel like he has a one track mind (but only when it's convenient for him). It gets in the way of my security sometimes. The other day I got my fingers caught under a dresser and couldn't get out, I called for him to help and he said "well hold on a second, I'm reading something.." I'll keep calling, and he'll say "I'm coming..." and it will continue until either I find a way to help myself or he hears a roommate or a housemate coming. I ask him why he couldn't help me immediately, as I tend to my crushed fingers, and he says he can't do more than one thing at once, that once he's started something, he needs to finish it. That I can come as a backseat to most things because I'll usually be here, and I can help myself. I can get a hug AFTER the Daily Show, or I can get a ride from being stranded in the city AFTER he plays video games with his friends. But to the one-track mind thing, he does it when it's convenient. I've frequently seen him watching TV, reading a blog, writing an essay at the same time. He can talk to his dad on the phone while reading an article. I feel like I take a backseat to most things, and I do. We do things on his schedule. Such as now, I was set to make dinner tonight, so I made it and he got back from classes and called me to say that he was tired and didn't feel like eating so he was going to take a nap. I know I can heat up the food later, but I just feel like I did something nice for him so he could make an effort? This happens all the time. Another issue is dinner - we live in townhouses at a college and we cook for ourselves. Sometimes we'll eat by ourselves, but usually we eat together. I'll end up making dinner while he watches TV because he doesn't know how. I try to teach him but he purposely messes up and pretends not to know. I saw purposely because if I refuse to help him long enough, he knows just what temperature to turn the stove to, just what pot to grab...he's taking advantage of me but I can't get him to admit it, because of his logic. "Well I don't know how to do kitchen things, so you have to do it." "How did you do it just then?" "Well it was luck, I grabbed whatever was there/turned the knob to a random button...." He'll never admit to lying/flawed logic.

He's really smart. He'll let me win , insignificant arguments so that when I approach him with this issue (we always eat to your schedule, we always eat what you want, I always pay for pills, you never let me win an argument) he will cite that time whennn..."I bought you dinner two weeks ago/You decided what movie to watch that time/You chose where we hung out last weekend" and then I lose...again.

I do love him. We've been together for almost 2 years now. I know I'm only mentioning the bad stuff, but that's because that's what I need to fix. I want to fix it, I don't think it would make sense to leave him just yet. I don't know if this will/could last forever but it works for me now, except for what I've mentioned.

Posts: 16 | From: Long Island | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I agree with what StrangePudding and atm1 have said. He just honestly doesn't sound mature enough to be having sex, as pregnancy is ABSOLUTELY partly his responsibility. As atm1, it's not like you could get pregnant on your own.

What he said was very inconsiderate, and a partner who really is mature, responsible, and who cares about you, would NOT want YOU to have the whole burden of a pregnancy. He wouldn't be "cleared of all responsibility" if you had taken a pill late. He is responsible too, because he is deciding to take part in those activities with you.

I'm really sorry to hear that he's acting like this, and hopefully you can talk some sense into him [Razz] I'd suggest having a big serious talk with him about taking responsibilities for his actions, and if he still does not listen, if I were you I would SERIOUSLY consider at the very least stopping sexual activity, if not the entire relationship.

To start, I think it'd be a great idea for him to read this article, as a good lead-in. I think that if he's more considerate about entering your body (not just "putting his dick in you"), it'll pave the way for being more considerate about responsibilities, too: Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

This article is more about equal share/say in sexual activities, but it should also be applied to responsibility, methinks: Reciprocity, Reloaded

And this person asks about a partner who is similarly refusing to take responsibility, though in a slightly different way. Heather makes some good points that I think are relevant to your situation.

And I took so long writing this response that you replied to the others' comments before I finished [Big Grin] And on reading some of your descriptions of him... I think you could probably benefit from reading this article and checklist:

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
The Abusive Partner Checklist

I'm not saying he's necessarily abusive, but there are certainly several traits that are pretty big red flags, and definitely unhealthy. And I hear you when you say you love him and that you're good with the situation, aside from these instances. But these are quite a few too many instances, and that's some pretty continuous manipulation going on there. And really, you shouldn't have to put up with ANY manipulation like this.

It's definitely your decision, and we're not going to try and force you to make any certain choice. But I would like you to think about it, at least. And this has lasted 2 years already, and has he gotten any better? Do you think he will?

Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Honestly, this is setting off ALL kinds of red flags for me as well. Partners who are not willing to stop what they are doing...especially when it's a trivial help us (and even moreso when we are hurt or literally in need of immediate assistance) are showing a huge lack of maturity. Plus, that purposefully messing up cooking so that you can "pretend" not to know how to cook is ridiculous. That's manipulation and for sure is taking advantage of you. Frankly, it doesn't sound to me like he's employing any "logic" here beyond doing and saying whatever it is he needs to in order for him to get what he wants.

Being sexually active with this partner really sounds like a bad idea right now. We know that even using two methods perfectly there is a small chance for failure or pregnancy. While that risk is minimized, it still exists. And for your partner not to be willing to take any responsibility in the case that something did happen...well frankly that does not sound like a good partner. You are the one who has the risk of being pregnant. You are the one who would have to deal with an abortion or pregnancy. So his unwillingness to participate in the purchase of condoms or his quickness to BLAME you for any potential pregnancy is really really not cool.

My gut reaction is that this is a really immature person who you probably should seriously consider whether or not to be in a relationship with right now. He is not acting like a caring partner...he's not acting like a good partner...or even like a minimally acceptable partner. He doesn't even seem willing to work with you to address these issues...beyond making excuses for his bad behavior and continuing to manipulate the situation.

If you want to try to salvage this, it's clear that these issues must be addressed. Have you considered seeking some counseling through your university? That might be a really good place to start.

Beyond that, it sounds like it's time to start negotiating EVERYTHING, explicitly with this guy. Everything that you typically share, list out who is going to pay for it. If you buy pills, he buys condoms. When you go out, everybody pays for their own dinner. If you get to pick out a movie this week, he gets to pick next week. If you make dinner today, he makes it tomorrow...or everybody is responsible for their own dinner.

It also sounds to me like it's time to talk about what the status of your relationship is. While obviously we are not there to run at our partner's beck and call, it's pretty ridiculous that you take a backseat when you are in need of help. Have you let him know how much that hurts you? If not, then he needs to know about it. And frankly, if he cannot be bothered to help you when you need something serious, then you need to be ready to call for help another way.

It really is concerning when someone "just can't be wrong". Everybody is wrong once in a while...and the ability to admit that is very important. If your partner is unable to do that, and is unable to stop manipulating the situation, then again this sounds like somebody you'd be better off without.

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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