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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » So upset, really need ideas

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Author Topic: So upset, really need ideas
Member # 43709

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Hi. I'm so lucky it's labor day weekend--I'm at college, after my first week. I'm lucky because my roommate's gone and so are most of my acquaintances, and I'm so terribly upset and depressed.

I'd been thinking about an idea to meet up with my boyfriend and stay over somewhere some weekend, which we were going to do the first time this coming weekend. We spent hours last night finding a cheap hotel about the middle of our two locations (we're 500-something miles apart), and we reserved a room. Then today I decided I just couldn't not tell my parents--they have a right to know where I am, especially when I'm out of state, and for more than a day. I brought it up over email because thinking about talking to them on the phone made me cry every time. We've been writing back and forth every few hours. Their attitude basically went from apprehensive to very negative. I think they were both really upset. My mom left the house for hours to be alone and think. I didn't mean to cause such a big, upsetting situation.

I've decided I can't do this if it's going to cause this. My boyfriend will be absolutely crushed when I tell him (I won't be home for another 5 weeks). I am terribly lonely for my family and my boyfriend and I just don't know what to do. My dad said, "This is like being tied to a tree and watching someone you love walk in front of a truck you recognize and they don't." I hate making anyone feel this way, especially my parents, or anyone I really care about. The alternative is making my boyfriend just as upset. I love all of them. I don't know what to do at all.

Any ideas?

Posts: 87 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28394

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Hi heylife,

I'm really sorry to hear about the tough position your parents are putting you in... It seems to me that you're feeling the full weight of this entire problem while you are not actually the only person who needs to take responsibility for making the decisions which can impact on everyone else. The people around you are not the only ones with feelings which need to be considered, you have them too, and they could be doing so much to make this incredibly strenuous situation better for you.

They're right that there could be some risk involved, some logistics to get right, or even time taken to assess whether it is a good idea or not... but those are issues that are for you to handle, decisions for you to make, and they may have a lot to offer, but making this a personal ultimatum is really really unfair.

Assuming that what you really want to do is visit your boyfriend... not because of any pressure from him which too would be unfair, but because you want to be there. No doubt taking the initiative to do what you really want shows the strength and empowerment you need to make a healthy and balanced relationship work, and assert how you want it to be. If that's so... then doesn't it imply that actually your parents are the ones left with a decision? Aren't they the ones who should be thinking about what emotional position they're putting you in?

I have to say with my parents I had a similar dilemma and for me so very much was at stake... I had to think about how my parents were treating me and what I could do about it. The simple thought of mine was "if not now, then when", which very much sealed for me what I had to decide... I had to go with what I wanted, and knowing that there'd rarely be an occasion as crucial as that, I'd have otherwise confirmed their behaviour and made it even more difficult for myself.

"If not now but when" isn't completely rhetorical either... it's good to think about if you ever want to have that much control over your life, and if so when and how you think that might happen. Asserting myself when I felt safe enough to do so was the only way I could move forward with my life... (Someone may feel physically unsafe making those assertions, in which case it can often be better to work out how to get out of the hostile environment than to have a potentially dangerous confrontation within it)

It's really important that you work out exactly what you personally want and then for that to be the basis of other people's decision making... you can ask them for help, for support, and advice, but it's up to them to give it, and crucially their problem.

"This is like being tied to a tree and watching someone you love walk in front of a truck you recognize and they don't." I hate making anyone feel this way,
You really aren't making anyone feel that way...

You've found yourself in a situation and your parents need to figure out where they stand.

This is less like walking in front of a truck, and more like getting into a car... a truck is gonna pretty much kill you, but getting in a car has risks, and issues... where your parents aren't tied to trees but are free to guilt you for scaring them and wanting to drive, or they can support you, ask you if you think you're ready, whether you can afford it, offer you help to pay for lessons, tell you what they've learnt in their experience... all things they could easily do now... but it's also something that if you work at you can "finance" yourself, do off your own back or decide for yourself to hold off for a while.

I know it's hard, but I think it is really worth it to pushing the choice back onto your parents to support your or not in your decision and with your feelings, so they can realise the role they play in all of this, and if you like you can explain to them things they can do to help if they want to make this a safer thing, or ask them more about if they think this relationship is bad, but they need to respect your decision ultimately, and the concluson you finally come to needs to be about something other than the emotional ultimatums imposed on you by others and more about what you want to do.

[ 09-07-2009, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43709

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Thanks for the reply and for taking the time to write such a lengthy one. I completely understand what you are saying, but I'm just too... I don't know the adjective--maybe sensitive, or just whatever... to do this. I'm pretty sure I've been upset today much more than they have been, but I just can't upset them like this. It doesn't matter anymore if they have a right to act this way--I can't do it. They've been too wonderful to me, and I can respect their wishes too.

I talked with my boyfriend about it for a few hours on the phone. He was angry, but not really at me, and he'd had a pretty rough day with his family also. I cried a lot and in the end he supported me. I basically said I didn't know when I'd see him next, and he accepted it. He said, "I'll wait." He was really sweet and wonderful.

My parents do realize that I need to see him and need to be home as well. I've never been someone who ever wants to leave home--even leave the house or go outside my normal routine. My mom offered to fly me home for a weekend two weeks from now--otherwise it would be five weeks before I was home, for only a few days--and I told her I'd think about it, but I don't think I'm going to go. I'll have to see if I'm still this much of a mess in a few days, since I know we'd want to book the flight soon. I say I don't think so, because while I would be happy to be home, I would feel horrible that she was spending so much money just to indulge me for a few days, when I'll be home in five weeks anyway.

I can live with being unhappy sometimes, and I know that's to be expected when I'm so far away and so alone. I just worry about asking too much of my boyfriend. I love him so much and I know he loves me too.

Posts: 87 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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