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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Potential Relationship Thorniness

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Author Topic: Potential Relationship Thorniness
Member # 43956

Icon 1 posted      Profile for VirginianWoolfsnake     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Scarleteen, thanks for being a great resource. Up until now, I feel like I've handled my relationship issues well, but I'm currently in uncharted territory and am looking for someone to throw me a land line.

I'm nineteen and a university student. About a year ago I met this man - I'll call him Guy - and we became good friends. Our friendship eventually reached the point where we would sit around for hours just talking and enjoying each other's company. We trust and respect each other and know a great deal about each other's pasts, including sexual history. Well, Guy developed feelings for me and told me so after we had known each other for several months. His timing was bad; I had just broken up with my boyfriend of over two years, and I needed some space. Guy and I had a long conversation about the possibility of romance between us, during which I basically told him that it wasn't going to happen and he said he would try to move on.

We lived far apart during the summer, but we would talk at least once a week on instant messenger. During this time, I started to question how I really felt about Guy. I missed him something awful, and from our conversations it was clear that he still had strong feelings for me. I will admit that I didn't try to discourage him; in fact, we flirted pretty shamelessly during a few of our IM convos. [Razz]

Summer ended, we came back to school, Guy and I continued to be friends... But a few days ago he admitted that it was "driving him crazy" to be around me just as a friend. We ended up having another long conversation that ended with me agreeing to go out on a date with him. Date went well - we went to his place to watch a movie, he made me dinner, and we sat around just talking the way we usually do. It really wasn't that different from what we would do as friends except that we cuddled while watching the movie and we kissed once, when he brought me home afterwards. The kiss wasn't amazing or earth-shaking or anything like that, but it felt right.

We agreed to go on another date, which is coming up in a couple of days.


I'm really stressing out about our relationship, and I'm not really sure WHY.

In the past, some of my friends have accused me of "thinking too hard" when it comes to relationships - I have a terrible time letting a relationship take its course because I'm always jumping ahead to the future possibilities (What happens if we're still together when I graduate? Is this someone I could eventually see myself getting married to? etc.). One of the things that irritates me is that I wasn't always this way. I had my first relationship in my freshman year of high school; it was sweet, it was innocent, I had fun, but I broke it off because I realized I only loved the guy as a friend. I wasn't nearly so preoccupied with these concerns of "Where will we be in a year or so?" It was the same, initially, with my next boyfriend - for a long time I wasn't so serious. After we had been dating for about a year and a half, we began to talk about more serious things like having sex or getting married, but we concluded that we weren't mature enough for either of those things and tabled the discussion. Now it seems like I'm stuck in "long-term concerns" mode.

I guess part of the reason I'm preoccupied is that Guy clearly wants an exclusive, serious relationship somewhere down the road, and that expectation is kind of looming over us. If we do become serious, that brings up the topic of sex.

I could probably write a book about my insecurities about sex, the biggest one being - I rarely feel any kind of sexual arousal or attraction. I don't have a lot of chemistry with Guy, but the fact that I have ANY at ALL is notable. Guy and I are about equal in terms of sexual inexperience; I don't think either of us has gone far beyond heavy kissing. It's not that I feel sexual pressure from him; it's that I keep thinking, in the back of my mind, "If we have a second date, there might be a third date, and then more dates after that, and then we might be committed, and then we might try to have sex, which will probably fail miserably because of my low libido and make both of us feel insecure."

Then the other part of my mind screams at me that we have only had ONE date and it is WAY too early to even be CONSIDERING anything like this.

I guess my biggest issues can be summarized as:

1. I'm not sure how I feel about Guy - if I really want to be in a relationship with him or if I want to stay friends. On the one hand, he definitely wants something more serious than I do, and I don't know if we can work that out between us; on the other hand, I really enjoyed our date and I'm curious.

2. I'm terrified that my sexual hang-ups will prevent me from having any kind of future sexual relationship.

Sorry for writing a novel. Any advice would be appreciated.

The Virginian Woolfsnake: should never be allowed near a typewriter. - Lemony Snicket

Posts: 1 | From: University | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39705

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I'm waiting to see an answer to this question too, actually. I deal with relationships in the same way, as soon as I say 'yes' to dating someone, I'm constantly worrying about when they'll ask me for sex, to the point it makes me pysically ill. I don't get aroused, and I've ended a relationship before because I was CONVINCED he wouldn't be able to wait for me until I was ready for sex. Now I'm scared to see I'm thinking the same way about my current girlfriend, and I don't want to lose her over something so silly.

At least we're moderately in the same boat here [Smile]

[ 09-03-2009, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: Shea ]

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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In terms of the sex concerns, one big thing I'd mention is that if and when we get to sex -- physically -- we should be able to talk about it verbally. In other words, if you're feeling close enough to anyone to BE sexual with them, and vice-versa, you should also be able to voice these concerns and talk these things out with that person.

If sex gets put on the table before you feel comfortable doing that, then by all means, you can know it's probably too fast for you, and you simply make that clear, that you're not there yet. And if it never really feels right to talk about, I'm of the mind that that tells you it probably also doesn't earnestly feel right to do.

Does Guy feel like someone you could talk to about all of this?

Just for the record, I'm always wary of calling sexual issue "hangups." For sure, there are sexual hangups, but that term is SO loaded when it comes to putting a negative value on something that I think it often isn't helpful and doesn't nurture the good stuff. What I'm hearing you say is that you find feeling sexual chemistry with others rare for you, and also that you're infrequently aroused. You feel concerned about these things, presumably because you feel others don't have the same experiences. If that sounds about right, those things don't sound like hangups to me, but like plain old human sexuality variance.

Let's address the other bit, about long-term concerns and leaping to the future and out of the present with relationships.

Can I ask what your relationship models have been like? In other words, in your childhood and adolescence, in who is around you now in relationships, can you see any of this coming from how things have been modeled for you?

Do you feel like you intellectually get -- even if you don't emotionally feel it now -- that being in any relationship doesn't obligate you to either stay in it, or stay in it in a given model? That everyone involved has the power to construct it as they go, in the present, without making any promises about down the road?

As well, I think a year and change into a relationship you can think about if it's something you'd want to have in a longer-term way, so I don't think thinking or talking about that is hasty, really. But I wonder, with what it seems like you put on that, if you might feel like talking about it = committing to something, or if you feel like considering those things as possibilities (even if you know you're not talking about that right then, as something soon) is somehow problematic?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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