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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Polyamory Question

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Author Topic: Polyamory Question
Member # 43801

Icon 5 posted      Profile for LittleCuriousity     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry it's so long, the situation is just a complicated one...
- I've been good friends with my boyfriend for a long time and we know basically everything about each other. Meaning that when he asked me out I was perfectly aware of his friend with benefits (another boy). We talked about it and I decided to let him continue messing around with that friend, as we live a long distance apart, he has a strong sex drive, and their relationship was purely sexual. Recently this friend admitted that he's in love with my boyfriend. My first, and rather possessive, reaction was to tell the guy to get away from my boyfriend.
- However, I really don't like hurting people and knew that telling this guy off would hurt him as well as my boyfriend. They asked me to consider including the friend-with-benefits in our relationship. The idea was pretty hard for me to stomach at first, but I agreed to not change anything or make any decision until I met the new boy. I'll meet him next week.
- Here's where we get to the issues: The type of polyamorous situation they're considering is a triad. Meaning I'd be dating both my current boyfriend as well as the new boy and they'd each be dating eachother as well as me. In other words, they want me to agree to dating a boy after meeting him only once. I've only talked to him on the phone a few times, at least half of those included him taking something I said much to seriously and personally and being offended/upset. He has a number of immature tendencies that I don't want to put up with and he believes in things that I simply don't and that he's convinced my boyfriend to believe. My boyfriend has been acting different (though unexplainably so) since the friend-with-benefits made his confession, and it's not a different that I appreciate. The new boy also told me, just a few days ago, that he loves me. I don't see how that could be possible, considering we hardly know each other, so I'm suspicious that he said it to make me more willing to share my boyfriend with him. Also, since he made his confession things have changed. He gets offended when my boyfriend refers to me as 'mine' and not 'ours', I've heard them say "I love you" to eachother, and other things which generally imply that I've already agreed to being in a triad with the two of them. All of the friends that I've told this to have asked a lot of questions and told me to be careful, but all of his friends are sure that it will work perfectly, including a few adults that he's told. Both of the boys are positive that I'll say yes. I've tried to tell them not to get their hopes up, but neither will listen to me.
- I can be fairly possessive/protective over my boyfriend and that (as well as all of the other issues with the situation) makes me really wonder if I should even be considering this. To me it seems like a recipe for disaster.

Posts: 4 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 40774

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I agree with your instinct that this seems like a recipe for disaster.

The main problem I see is that I don't get the impression that any of you--let alone all of you, which would be a necessary for this to work--really want a triad. It seems you and your boyfriend want to be together, and your boyfriend and his FWB want to be together; I don't see the triad angle.

The type of polyamorous situation they're considering is a triad.
I've tried to tell them not to get their hopes up, but neither will listen to me.
It concerns me how thoroughly you are being ignored in all this. From what you wrote, I don't see any indication that YOU are interested in dating someone else, particularly this guy who you seem to clearly not have chemistry with. That either of them expects you to immediately start dating someone new strikes me as extremely bizarre, and I think is a big red flag that you should take the triad idea off the table. Any healthy relationship requires valuing and respecting the wants and needs of everyone involved, which I don't see happening here.

My first, and rather possessive, reaction was to tell the guy to get away from my boyfriend.
I think that's a perfectly reasonable reaction, and shouldn't just be something you have to stomach. I understand not wanting to disappoint other people, but those feelings are important and should be taken seriously.

If I'm understanding correctly, the admission of love between your boyfriend and his friend seems to have changed things for everyone, and the triad was presented as the solution. But, I don't see a triad as the logical solution at all. (Another configuration option, for example, would be for the three of you to continue as you have been, with your boyfriend's relationship with the other guy deepening.)

But that stuff I really think is secondary. The real issue is your feelings, desires, and preferences not being respected. Do you feel like there's the space to have a more open conversation with your boyfriend about this? In healthy poly relationships, there really should be a ton of open communication between everyone, checking in, and making sure everyone's okay, getting their needs met, and feels good about what's going on. If things aren't feeling good for one person, that should be something everyone feels concerned about.

without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43186

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Bluejumprope has basically covered all of the important bits. A triad seems very very illogical to me here, especially if you don't even know you like the other guy as a person (let alone a romantic interest.)

If you don't feel like you can have an open, honest communication with your boyfriend about this, it really is just a recipe for disaster. It's better to tell him how you feel and deal with whatever comes from that sooner than later, because the deeper you get into this the harder it is to get out. Like quicksand.


The highest result of education is tolerance. -Helen Keller

Posts: 50 | From: Halfway down the California coast | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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