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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Dealing with an unwanted crush I have

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Author Topic: Dealing with an unwanted crush I have
Member # 20650

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I have been in a happy, stable relationship for the past four years. I live with my partner quite happily, and look forward to spending my life with him. We have mutual hobbies and interests (except one or two). I love him dearly.

However, for over a year I have had a rather occupying and innapropriate crush on a university classmate. The feelings are not sexual, but they are entirely different from the love I feel for my partner. He is studying my major and is at the same stage as me. He's intelligent and physically attractive. I have avoided him and never really spoke more than two words to him in hopes of the crush going away. I did see his info on facebook while I was searching for other classmates, and he is in a relationship. This is ridiculous. I don't even know him. The only desirable thing about him that my boyfriend doesn't have is an ability to have an intelligent conversation with me about my najor (I'm a Philosophy major, my partner is an IT professional and doesn't enjoy conversations about Philosophy at all). I have friends in my major who I talk to, and plenty of opportunities in class, so this is not redirected loneliness.

I have tried to ignore, rationalise, analyse and every single -ise and -yse under the sun. This crush makes me physically ill. What do I do?

Argumentum Ad Misericordiam

Posts: 105 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Without sounding like I'm being dismissive, might I suggest you consider that what this is is a desire for a friendship?

I mean, you say it isn't sexual, and express a keen interest in both this person's mind and how you might have great intellectual discourse about a shared interest. So, why not initiate that?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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maybe it's something that I've once heard referred to as a "brain crush"? The term was used in reference to students having crushes on their teachers -- one can sometimes mistake admiration and love of someone's mind and intellect as a crush or sexual attraction. So, sort of having a crush on someone's brain. Are you sure it's a crush and not just this great desire to share thoughts and opinions with a great mind?
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Obviously we can't know for sure, but from what you've explained, this sounds less like a physical/sexual attraction and more like a need for someone to converse and have a platonic friendship with.

Too, our romantic partners aren't going to always be able to fullfill our every need. Very rarely do we come across someone who can satisfy us intellectually, physically and emotionally at every single moment. So, having a diverse group of friends is important.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43709

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I've had crushes in the past where I would dream about them. It made me terribly upset because for months at a time, I would have these wonderful dreams with me and this crush, either spending time together or doing sexual things, and in the dream I was so happy. Then I would wake up and be terribly miserable because I didn't want to want these people. I was and am in a happy, steady relationship with someone else who I almost never dream about. The worst was when one of these people had a huge crush on me too, and my boyfriend knew all about it. It must have been really horrible for him. I haven't seen any of these crushes in a long time, so it's not a problem anymore. I still don't know how to cope with something like this if/when it happens again.
Posts: 87 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 20650

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Well, the deal is that I do have friends I can talk about Philosphy with, I do so on a regular basis. And while my 'crush' is intelligent, he is not outstandigly brilliant. I suppose it was slightly misleading to say that the feelings are not sexual - they are not, but I've never had a strong sexual attraction to anybody until after I started dating them. I keep shooting stealthy glances his way, looking forward to the classes I have with him. He pre-occupies my thoughts. I just want these feelings to go.
Posts: 105 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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