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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Self-Esteem Issues

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Author Topic: Self-Esteem Issues
Member # 34046

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She's been single for 2 years.
Her last relationship ended when her boyfriend got too drunk and admitted to her that he is actually gay.
She was heartbroken and understandably so.
I told her 6 months ago that I had feelings for her. Unfortunately I was more intoxicated than her previous boyfriend was when he came out of the closet.
Needless to say, she told me she wasn't interested. Would you be into a guy who had tossed 16 shots of vodka down his gullet in one night then decided at 2am that it was a good idea to drunk dial and say he was interested?
I hated myself for doing that. I tried to explain that my feelings were legit but to no avail.
I went back to school for a semester and kept harping on that one night. When the school year ended, I decided I would start over again in attempting to woo her. I know I'm better than that, my friends know I'm better than that. I just had to prove to her I was better than that. I had to show her I was a decent guy and not a stupid drunk.

I started calling her at night. The first call was on her birthday just to tell her happy birthday and let her know I was thinking of her.
When I called her again she was sick. She could barely talk. I told her get well soon.
I called her again and she was so depressed. She said she was miserable living at home still and going to community college. She said she hated her current job and often came home at night and cried. This phone call would plant the seed for the realization I came to a few days ago.
We hung out immediately after that. We chatted, had fun, and to my surprise there was very little awkwardness. She came to a party at my house a few days ago.
Said she had gained 10lbs. since we last hungout (about a month ago).
I can honestly say i haven't noticed any weight gain at all. She's always been curvy. She is by no means fat or unattractive though.
She was hesitant to have people touch and hug her because she worried they would feel the excess pounds and be disgusted.
There were other things she said to indicate that she feels very negatively about herself. I arrived at the conclusion that this girl has serious self-esteem issues! I've dated girls with such issues before and my first instinct was to say "**** it." My friends agreed and told me to wash my hands of this one.

However, I can't let go! I don't understand how someone who brightens my world has such darkness in her own. I know she's in an emotional rut but I wanna be the one to pull her out of it! I really care about her and want her to know that she is loved by me and deservedly so. Will she allow me to love her? Will she ever allow herself to love anyone after the way her last relationship ended? I want her to allow me to be by her side so she doesn't have to face this difficult world alone. Any guy can say they love a girl or wanna be with her when she's happy and at her best. I want to look in her teary eyes and tell her they still look beautiful despite her messed up make-up. I want to take that curvy body she's so concerned about, wrap my arms around it, and hold it close to me for a long damn time! However, at my house a few days ago she wouldn't even let me compliment her...

Did I ruin any chance by what I so stupidly did 6 months ago? Has any girl been in any position that even remotely resembles hers? Do I have a chance? I want to let go and say "this girl has issues, let me go search for one who doesn't," but I can't I care too much about her. I really need help here. Any comments would be appreciated. Be as brutally honest as you need to be.

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I don't think anyone here is going to be able to provide you with the answers to the questions you're asking. It's just not possible for us to know how she feels towards you and whether there is a possibility of a relationship in the future.

I admire your persistence and honesty, but to be honest myself, you cannot and probably won't be the one to "pull her out of it". The truth it, if someone cannot love and accept themselves to some degree, there's very little chance they are going to be able to love and accept someone else. Self-love tends to need to come first before any real, healthy relationship can happen with another.

I don't think you ruined your chances, persay. Did you do yourself any favors? Not a chance. You may very well have broken any trust she may have placed in you, or given her the idea that you aren't to be trusted to begin with, given that she's already had a bad experience with partners and alcohol.

Right now, I think your best bet is as follows: if you truly care for her, continue to support her and be there for her as a friend, until such a time when she's in a better place emotionally and can decide if she wants a relationship.

As a side note, I get the feeling you didn't mean anything by it, but your comment about girls with issues was, I feel, somewhat insensitive. Someone who lacks self-confidence, regardless of gender, doesn't necessarily have "issues". Who knows what she has been through in her life, or what she's experienced. I think passing judgment like that isn't necessary, you know?

Not meant as a stab at you, but just for future notice.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34046

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No, no, no insensitivity intended. When I said the "issues" statement at the end the point I was making is that's the exact attitude I'm trying to avoid. Yes, it would be very easy to say something like that and walk away from all of this but I outright refuse to do so. You're right I should've been more careful of how I worded it. I don't know everything she's been through but I know enough to know she should not be judged. In fact, I was actually in a very similar place as hers abut 2 years ago which is why I initially believed I could pull her out of it.

Anyway, you're absolutely right. She has to love herself before anyone else and there's nothing I can say or do to make that happen. Thanks for the response.

Posts: 28 | From: DC | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If I might suggest a helpful gift? Gloria Steinem's "Revolution from Within" is pretty much my favorite self-esteem book for women.

In fact, I give away so many copies, I just picked up another at a used bookstore today.

You can help, by being supportive, by directing her to tools that can help her help herself in this way. You just can't fix it for her. [Smile]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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